The song, in case you've never heard it, is Jean telling the story of three different girls - though either (both?) of the latter two could be Jean herself - who've struggled in their romantic endeavors, thinking they've got what they wanted, learning otherwise, and trying to keep persevering throughout. Each of the song's initial two verses concludes with the lines, "Still too young and dumb to call it quits," as if to say the person is still too young and hence still too optimistic (which then makes them "too dumb") about the prospect of finding love.
With mere weeks until I turn 28, I find myself relating even more than ever to Jean's song. It used to be because I felt like I was definitely the guy Jean describes in the song's second verse - the guy who's "sweet and honest" but who eventually loses the girl to his best friend because the girl thinks he's more focused on his work than he is on her. I've for the most part purposely kept myself outside of the dating pool this year because I said I wanted to focus on getting myself in order. That doesn't mean that I haven't been interested in people, or that I haven't tried to hang out with young women. Rather, I haven't truly invested myself the way I have in the past in anyone. It helps, perhaps, that I've found an alternative albeit not ideal outlet to direct my feelings and desires for companionship towards, but nothing can replace the real thing.
But what, exactly, IS "the real thing?" At 27 and 28, arguably, nobody takes you at face value anymore. Nobody's really checking for who you are as a person. Instead, the opposite sex is checking for WHERE you are as a person. Are you upwardly mobile? Do you have your own spot? Do you seem to be taking strides towards financial independence and stability? Do you look like you handle your responsibilities? Do you look like a husband? Do you look like a good father? These things matter much later down the line when you start getting up in years like I am.
"Growing, but hopelessly romantic still..."
This causes you to question the genuineness of the opposite sex. If you strip away all the surface dressing, would someone really be checking for me? Now that I have a car, a decent job where I have some kinda income, it's possible that I could enter the dating arena as some kind of contender. But my concern is, I couldn't contend before I had all that. It's interesting. At 28, I'm more scared of ending up alone than ever but more than I am scared that I'll be single forever, I'm terrified that someone will have to "learn" to love me.
"Trying not to have a shallow heart/ But battle scars are deep but reach into the depth of hell and back..."
It shouldn't be that way. Someone shouldn't feel like they have to settle on you because you offer them - and, by extension, a potential family - the best chance at "succeeding" in life. So they marry you because what you have gives them hope, and hopefully over time, they'll learn to love the real you. I'm sure I'm speaking from a jaded place, but at the same time, I know what I'm saying makes some kind of sense. How do make someone, as Jean raps in the song, "your universe, holding the center position" if you can't trust their motives? Why would you make someone your universe if they never thought you were a star before the shine came? Does this mean they're lowkey rooting for you to fail and prove them right in being incompatible for them?
"But it takes some time to realize your own worth/ Come into your own/ Play your mental rebirth..."
I know that my self-confidence and trust issues still require plenty of work. I had hoped the latter, at least, would change as I got older. It has... slowly but surely... like at a snail's pace... improved. With every rejection, it took a hit, but I'm still asking. And with every rejection, I've changed the way I've gone about in asking someone out or attempting to court someone. I'm a hopeless romantic at my core. When I drive around Houston, I take note of places that would be nice to take someone on a date on, or places that might be nice to give a proposal in front of. I still believe in good morning texts and just because gifts and flowers on doorstep - though I don't believe in flowers because they die easily - and cooking dinner for her when she lands it on her presentation, promotion, or with her students... yet I worry that I'm losing a little more faith in these things every day.
I don't know when I'll get my shot to be "that guy" for some woman someday. It may never come. I may never find "her." But I, too, "grew up believing in passion and love." And at 28, I'm still too young and dumb to call it quits. There are no consolation prizes or participation trophies in love, and there shouldn't be. But just once, I'd like to feel what it's like to win. In 2014? Who knows... I'm still writing my own love song.
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