For the longest time, I always felt like that. Hell, in a sense, I still very much do. It's the unfortunate byproduct of being the guy who has friends that girls always compliment. I've certainly never had the privilege of being one of those guys who girls is say is "fine as shit" or who gets talked about because he looks good. I envy that so much. Seriously. I would kill to have been considered super attractive like most of my homeboys are, but that's never been me. It may be one day, when I have money... because money makes people attractive.
If I were honest, though, I can't say that I wasn't wanted. I can only say that the people who at least appeared attracted to me, I never wanted them back. For whatever reason.
A conversation that was brought on partially by twitter and partially by a group that I am in on facebook, referenced the idea of what "counted" as a date, and this in turn led to dates on which you might cook for someone or someone might cook for you. I was reminded of one girl in particular, the first girl, in fact, who cooked for me.
We'll call her Jessica to protect the innocent.
Back in our undergraduate years at UT, Jessica, much like I did, started out trying her damnedest to make some kind of mark on the UT Black Community. My niche was appearing to be a leader in public, but J's battle was a little different. She wanted to be a leader in print. Specifically, she aspired to be a journalist, although it was clear that she was interested in politics as well. Not necessarily to participate directly in them, so much as to serve as a commentator of and about them. She tried to get involved with efforts to reinvigorate the UT Chapter of the National Association of Black Journalists, but this ultimately fell apart. That didn't stop Jessica. Indeed, her ambition was one of the things that attracted people to her, professionally and, I'm sure, romantically as well.
Jessica and I had been friends. We didn't have a super close relationship like that, but whenever I saw her in public, she seemed elated to see me and I admit it was often good seeing her. We also often had great conversations, usually related to campus issues or things affecting Black people at the time. But we both stayed busy.
My first senior year, back in 2008, Jessica did something that completely caught me off-guard. She offered to cook for me. At the time, I had been heavily interested in someone else so I didn't exactly know what that entailed. I had thought that it was just a friendly offering of a sort, and I even offered to cook the dessert so she wouldn't have to do all the work. My laziness, coupled with my obliviousness, resulted in me just buying a frozen strawberry pie from the grocery store at the last minute as my contribution.
So she comes to my apartment. And it's convenient that this weekend, of all weekends, my roommate is actually out of town. So it's just the two of us, and it's about 7:30, 8 PM at night. She calls to let me know she's arrived, and I go downstairs to help her out because she has a few pots and a baking dish. We bring everything upstairs to the apartment and she has everything pretty much pre-prepared, but just has to reheat the broccoli and her chicken dish. I helped her out a little bit, following her instructions to rinse, stir, add water, and the like. The dinner is cooked, we eat, we talk. Mostly minimal conversation about how school is going, graduation that was looming (back when we both thought we might graduate on time), and plans for the future. Jessica had apparently deduced my interest in politics, because she name-dropped some gathering that she was looking into that a statesman was hosting in the city later on that year. I did the dishes for her since she cooked. She gave her a mini-tour of the apartment, she got to see the mess that was my room (though I'd straightened it up, as all men do when they have female company visiting), and I also showed her my movie collection. Jessica noticed that I had "New Jack City" and she said she'd never seen it before. So we decided to watch it together.
We sat on the couch watching it in the dark the whole time. Her sitting very close to me, shoulder to shoulder and leaning her head over. I didn't try anything. I was a gentleman - not just because I respected Jessica, but also because I'd never been in that kind of situation before. And there was also the fact that, admittedly, I hadn't been attracted to her physically. She had a great mind and big plans, and a very bright spirit. But I just wasn't feeling her like that.
The movie ended, and that was that. I walked her out to her car and told her to text me when she got back home safely. We didn't really keep in too much touch after that night, honestly. Now that I'm older, I can see the signs. Now that I'm older, I know that, in college, with a young woman like that (who isn't about games, or flaunting herself sexually), being cooked for is a big deal. Hell, even outside of college once you reach my age, a woman cooking for you is a big deal. I know now that that was a date. I know now that possibly, Jessica was interested in me. As in legitimately interested and attracted to me.
If I had "liked her back," I can't say I would have done things. I can't say I would have wrapped an arm around her shoulder. I can't say I would have tried to kiss her in the dark or something like that. Like I said, back then, when I was 22 and still a virgin, with no experience with women at all... that whole thing was new to me. But now that I'm older, I see the signs. And it's a shame that I wasn't feeling her back. I have no idea what she's doing these days, but I know whatever she's doing, she's laying a foundation to be something big. Likely a political correspondent of some sort.
So I can't say I was never wanted, I guess. But it would have been nice to be liked by someone I actually wanted back. Maybe one day. Maybe one day.
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