"They ask me, am I okay? They ask me if I'm happy/It's 2011. I have to admit, I'm very thankful to have made it to yet another year. 2010, as I've said many times before, was a year of gifts and curses, but still my best year to date. I got to participate in commencement ceremonies for graduation, hustled so hard to get back in school; and having been deterred and set back yet again, I hustled some more and didn't quit. Got enrolled back in Houston to finish what I started.
Are they asking me that because of the shit that's been thrown at me?/
or am I just a little snappy, and they genuinely care?..."
- Eminem, "Difficult"
In 2010, I got my heart broken. Again. lol I met mainly two young ladies who meant something to me. One I'd known somewhat, I became attracted to when she admitted her attraction to me; and while I did start liking her, in the back of my head, I guess I never thought it would work out because she seemed to be attracted to a certain type of person, one that I knew I couldn't be. So it hurt me but didn't shock me entirely when she broke away from me in favor of one of my best friends. The second, is the more interesting case. We met by accident... well, rephrase: we met randomly and started vibing almost immediately. I got further with her than I had with any young lady for some time. However, as has become customary with me, I messed that up, too. I gave her a lot of my effort and time, but due to a combination of my lack of communication (because I didn't want her to know about my school situation) and her own desire for someone with more means, we fell apart.
I can say in 2011, that I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy with where I am in my life because I expected to be further along. I'm unhappy because no matter what I do, it seems like it's never enough to satisfy the people around me. I'm unhappy because, to borrow the phrasing from one of my old poems, it's 2011 and I'm still "never the greatest match, but rather, the greatest friend." For a long time, I based my happiness upon relationships. Not just romantic ones, but also my friendships. The people I considered myself close to Austin, my Austin circle... for a very long time, I struggled because I always wanted their approval, always wanted to know I was "cool enough" to hang with them. These days, I feel like I'm not. I feel like I'm just tolerated. Useful for a laugh, or a bought drink, or the occasional opinion. They don't come to me anymore.
I could use a shot of confidence. I know that, in 2011, I'll finally get published. I'll be back on my feet school-wise and hopefully on track for full completion of undergrad in 2012 (assuming the world hasn't ended lol). I'm just really trying to find... happiness. I think the last time I was truly happy was during commencement. But I didn't feel satisfied. I guess I won't feel satisfied any time soon, since my dreams and my desires are quite lofty. But perhaps... satiated? Yeah, that may be a better word. It's funny to have multiple facebook friends and twitter followers and feel so alone. I hope this year, my desire for someone who complements me is satiated. And while I've accepted that this may be the case - though I'm not happy with it - I hope the people in my life this year love me for ME... not because of what I can do for them.
No comments:
Post a Comment