Reconciliation

"I know you got the best love that I ever had
I swear that when I look at you, the time don't pass
Intoxicated without a sip from a glass
Infatuation was real - thought we would last"
- Trey Songz, "Unfortunate"

It's funny. I look back now upon the posts I wrote about you. Not just here, but on facebook. The poems I wrote, two of which admittedly were about you. The story I had written, The Book of Lamentations ... you will never know this, but you inspired it. You inspired one of the characters. The way I'd felt about you after you shut down what we had, is VERY reflective of the feelings the main character felt when his proposal was rejected. And I'd written the story because after you, I doubted myself like I never had before. I felt I needed to write The Book of Lamentations if only to remind myself or reassure myself that I still had "it" - the ability to write and tell a good story. Because the reality was for a few months, I avoided writing because I NEVER, ever wanted anything I'd ever written to give you the impression that I was talking about you.

I look back upon the posts I wrote about you, the poems I wrote, the ones that didn't make it into the public eye... and I don't think it's a stretch at all to say you're the first woman I fell in love with. There were certainly people I'd had deep levels of infatuation for prior to you... but no one else was this hard to get over. No one else was this hard to pretend I didn't have have feelings for them, just because I wanted us to remain friends. No one else has made me feel so tortured because of what I didn't have.

I wish that my effort usurped or at least mattered to you more than what I lack. Think about it - I have no car and no job. Yet... I found a way to do the things for you that mattered. I showed up to your graduation. I showed up to your first open mic. When I said I would treat you out for getting a new job, I did that AND managed to find my way out to where we were eating even though you were beyond rude to me about something I had volunteered to do for you. I suppose that's much of my own fault... because nobody told me to do any of that and by all means I shouldn't have expected your appreciation or consideration in return. I did it because I cared. Because in spite of my own lack, you do deserve the world. And I can't give you that. And apparently, this is why we'll never be.

So... when I showed up this past Wednesday, showed up to your first open mic, I came in there knowing that when that night was over, I would have given up on you. I don't know. I guess I expected a "thanks for coming." I guess I expected more than a hug. I don't know WHAT I expected. All I know is, I saw you read - very well; noticeably nervous, but I loved the passion and energy you displayed throughout the piece - I saw you hang with the friends you'd come out with, and I appreciated that I at least got to meet your goddaughter's mother. I left the open mic early... primarily because I couldn't stand it, being there powerless in that situation... and arranged for them to give you flowers after I had left. I guess you appreciated them. And from your open mic, I went to the strip club! lol because I wanted to feel appreciated.

I used to hope that we'd possibly get back together. That you would allow me a chance to get it right this second time and PROVE to you that I was capable of being the man you desired. But you are spoiled. You are impatient. You know as well as I do that you deserve the world and, consequently, you feel entitled to it on your terms. In the back of my mind, I still want that chance. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. BUT I'm not going to pursue it. Perhaps we can still be friends (hell, that's what we've BEEN being, right?? You've certainly enjoyed that more than I have smh). But I just don't have the effort or fucks to give to want to try to be your man again. Not right now. I hate that you make me feel so inadequate. I do too much which you may see as too little... and that's fine. You're a grown independent woman who ideally wants a grown independent man who can provide her with some degree of security. I can't give you that WHEN you want it.

You'll be moving soon, probably to the East Coast. Up there, perhaps in New York, you'll meet a man who is perhaps more attractive than I am, a man with a well-paying job and a car and a number of fancy things. He will only have so much ambition, since ambition is what you love so much. And he will probably not do as right by you as I would. He will enjoy sleeping with you. He will enjoy making you laugh. He will listen to your poetry when you call him up to read it to him but at the same time, not listen at all. Or, maybe he'll be a poet himself and not care to listen to your work, but constantly hit you up to share his with you. He will possibly do wrong by you. He won't remember that your favorite color is purple (and, now, turquoise). He won't bring you flowers (though he may arrange to send them to you at your job in an act of apology, something I'd contemplated - not for apology reasons but "just because" - but talked myself out many times). And he may not go to Bible Study with you. None of that will matter, because at 25, you will be too thankful to have found a man who has what you want materially and appears to want you at a time when you're thinking you'll never get married. He will reap the rewards of getting the best of you, when all he has to do is give you mediocre effort. The news will drop on facebook. You'll tweet about your "bf." I will be salty and think that should have been me in his place; I may retract myself a bit in Trey Songz and The-Dream lol. Ideally, I'll get over it.

I wrote this down today because I needed to. Because I'm tired of feeling like there's no reciprocity at all. Because I needed to write it somewhere just to get out of my head and get this burden off my mind - on some "Blogger is my pensieve" type shit, maybe. I wish you the best. I promise it. You do deserve what you want, and I would love to see you happy, even if that's not with me. I may not agree with it, but I must accept that. I wrote this down so I could pray about it afterwards. I wrote this down today so I could reconcile my thoughts with my feelings and make it known, so that I ALWAYS come back to this whenever I think about you, that it just wasn't worth it. You are... but the process itself after the first three weeks of July weren't.

But gotdamn... in the words of Trey Songz, "That's unfortunate... that you didn't believe in me."

You Only Love Me Because of What I Can Do for You...

"They ask me, am I okay? They ask me if I'm happy/
Are they asking me that because of the shit that's been thrown at me?/
or am I just a little snappy, and they genuinely care?..."
- Eminem, "Difficult"

It's 2011. I have to admit, I'm very thankful to have made it to yet another year. 2010, as I've said many times before, was a year of gifts and curses, but still my best year to date. I got to participate in commencement ceremonies for graduation, hustled so hard to get back in school; and having been deterred and set back yet again, I hustled some more and didn't quit. Got enrolled back in Houston to finish what I started.

In 2010, I got my heart broken. Again. lol I met mainly two young ladies who meant something to me. One I'd known somewhat, I became attracted to when she admitted her attraction to me; and while I did start liking her, in the back of my head, I guess I never thought it would work out because she seemed to be attracted to a certain type of person, one that I knew I couldn't be. So it hurt me but didn't shock me entirely when she broke away from me in favor of one of my best friends. The second, is the more interesting case. We met by accident... well, rephrase: we met randomly and started vibing almost immediately. I got further with her than I had with any young lady for some time. However, as has become customary with me, I messed that up, too. I gave her a lot of my effort and time, but due to a combination of my lack of communication (because I didn't want her to know about my school situation) and her own desire for someone with more means, we fell apart.

I can say in 2011, that I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy with where I am in my life because I expected to be further along. I'm unhappy because no matter what I do, it seems like it's never enough to satisfy the people around me. I'm unhappy because, to borrow the phrasing from one of my old poems, it's 2011 and I'm still "never the greatest match, but rather, the greatest friend." For a long time, I based my happiness upon relationships. Not just romantic ones, but also my friendships. The people I considered myself close to Austin, my Austin circle... for a very long time, I struggled because I always wanted their approval, always wanted to know I was "cool enough" to hang with them. These days, I feel like I'm not. I feel like I'm just tolerated. Useful for a laugh, or a bought drink, or the occasional opinion. They don't come to me anymore.

I could use a shot of confidence. I know that, in 2011, I'll finally get published. I'll be back on my feet school-wise and hopefully on track for full completion of undergrad in 2012 (assuming the world hasn't ended lol). I'm just really trying to find... happiness. I think the last time I was truly happy was during commencement. But I didn't feel satisfied. I guess I won't feel satisfied any time soon, since my dreams and my desires are quite lofty. But perhaps... satiated? Yeah, that may be a better word. It's funny to have multiple facebook friends and twitter followers and feel so alone. I hope this year, my desire for someone who complements me is satiated. And while I've accepted that this may be the case - though I'm not happy with it - I hope the people in my life this year love me for ME... not because of what I can do for them.