"I say I don't have nothin', if I don't got you/ Like Sade, we got The Sweetest Taboo/ And my game is skin deep, like ya' first tattoo/ I gets all in ya' head, like shampoo/ I just wanna fuck wit' you like rude polices/ I don't want a broken heart, because I'll lose the pieces..."
- Lil' Wayne, on Little Brother's "Breakin' My Heart"
So I figured I'd vent a bit, especially seeing as how my last post was MONTHS ago... and I know I owe you all an update, but we'll get around to that. For now, I just need to clear my head.
I think last month, I FINALLY met the person I had been waiting for: someone who accepted me, who challenged me, who was willing to give me a shot with her. And then, in accordance with tradition, I blew it. I think she fell for me and then, unwittingly - in fact, reluctantly at first, but because it felt so good to have that connection - I started falling with her... I picked up speed, we both did... and then, next thing I knew, I was falling faster than her. And that's never a good thing. Just as quickly as it started, it ended. She ended us, for what I'd like to believe began with one weekend gone wrong - read: not as intimately well as she expected it to be - and ended with me not reaching out her as much as she'd wanted me to for her Birthday. There was a lot of miscommunication, lack of communication especially on my part. At the end, I honestly believe she was the right person at the wrong time.
I'm back in Houston now. I'm on my last leg really of undergrad, and she's on her last leg of graduate school. She has a car, two jobs... to borrow her words, she needed someone "who could keep up with her grind." In my eyes as well as hers... I could not. That didn't stop me from trying. She was worth the effort in every sense. But when it got to a point where I was trying to upgrade my phone, trying to adjust the timeframe in which I intended to handle certain business just to be able to "report back" to her the progress... I admittedly started to question. She said she didn't want "a baller who had it all, but a grinder who could work to get it all."
Right now, we're just friends. A good thing if I were honest with myself, because it gives me an opportunity to work on handling things moreso on my terms. Do I still want her? Absolutely. She challenged me. She made me feel important. She reminded me to remain as focused on God in possible. And she was/is beautiful, has a traffic-stopping, if-it-catches-you-you-ain't-goin'-NOWHERE smile... my hope is that eventually when I'm at a better place, when I've, caught up to her I guess you could say, we'll have another shot at us. But I know historically, I often fall for certain chicks harder than they do me. So it's a hope, but not a "hanging on everything" hope. I just wish I hadn't broken it. Historically, as my readers know, though, "breaking it" is pretty much what I do.
I'm not asking you to "Freeze" in the Lyfe Jennings and LL Cool J sense, but... maybe I'm hoping you'll see what you saw in me in the beginning, somewhere later when I'm better. Yeah.
"... She say she love me, won't leave me, won't ever let me go/ But if you're thinkin' of leavin', then you should let me know/ We better together than further apart/ So darlin', don't go breakin' my heart..."- chorus, Little Brother's "Breakin' My Heart"
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