I'll come back and elaborate on this at a later time, when my thoughts are more coherent and I'm not fighting sleep. But I just wanted to clear my head. I wanted to say... that I wish I had tried harder. I thought that I had put forth a good effort. Not my most concerted one, by far, but the one that I thought would work for YOU. The situation I found myself in with you was different than any previous one I had been in before. I was cautiously optimistic about you - I was careful in every action I took and everything I said so that I didn't a) jinx anything; and b) scare you away. I wish I had known better what you wanted and how I could be that. If I was even capable of being that. We may never know.
I was content with you being my little secret. I discussed you with a VERY select few people, mostly people I didn't think you knew. But as with all secrets... eventually, someone else stumbled upon you. Someone else who was better able to serve the purpose you wanted and fulfill the needs you had. At times, I feel silly that I ever thought I could. I doubted, very much, that you saw something in me, perhaps because, between past experiences and what was going on with me personally, I never saw much of anything in myself. So I was careful. Careful so I didn't get hurt. Careful so I never disappointed you, at least not intentionally.
Maybe I unconsciously sabotaged things. I'll never know. There are too many "maybes" in my head, too many questions I'm compelled to ask but am afraid to hear the answer to. So the breakaway was easy because, perhaps, I had always been looking for a reason TO breakaway. Not because I wanted to, but because in the back of my mind, I always thought I didn't measure up. And you presented me with that reason. But because you're already thinking I've said things about you, and because that led to a fallout I never wanted to happen and which, itself, made me question further, I'll let the maybes linger. You may have thought I took it well because I've taught myself to shut my emotions away. So, no, I didn't take it well at all; I was just particularly good at faking it and making myself numb. And I'll say simply, I wish I had tried harder.
The funny thing about wishes, is that they rarely come true when it applies to things that have already happened. But still... I wish I had tried harder.
"Just a lil' bit... every now and then... d-d-do you think about me? Got damn, girl, we used to be friends..."- "Do You Think About Me," 50 Cent
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