It's easier to lie

It's easier for me to lie.

It's hard for me to invest my time and patience in getting to know you and your goals and aspirations and the many manifestations that make up your dreams. It's hard for me to try to be that person to you that I think you deserve and time and again, question myself. It's hard for me to think that I literally am not good enough for you, hard to buy into the assumption that you just really might be into me. It's hard for me to believe that it's mutual because one day you text me saying "good morning" and "good night," and a week later, I hear nothing from you. It's hard trying to read whether you feel me or whether something's changed between the two of us because I missed a call, or didn't return a text, or didn't stick around long enough to see you "really start playing." It's hard staring at the phone for five minutes asking myself if I should text you first, or text you good luck wishes on the day of your exam, because I don't want to push you away in doing too much.

It's hard for me to show up and give so much of my energy and advice and feel like it's falling on deaf hearts and ears. It's hard to aspire to greatness and constantly remind myself that I haven't put myself in a position to be great. It's hard to believe in myself when I don't get that affirmation I've been seeking from the people around me, that cosign I would want to keep me pushing. It's hard to believe in myself when I'm powerless to help my family in their tough times.

It's easier to lie.

It's easier for me to add you to the list of "could have beens" and move on to the next girl, easier for me to forget how different you are and simply dismiss you as
one of the same. It's easier for me to say that I'm just too nerdy, just too much of a gentleman, just aren't "hard" enough to appeal to you. It's easier to say that that one text I forgot to return, that one time I left early, that one time I questioned your motives, was the "final straw" and ever since then you've really just been dragging me along, no longer wanting me around. It's easier for me to respond to your questions and texts like I don't care, because it's easier to pretend not to care than it is to REALLY care. It's easier being an asshole and not having to think twice about it. It's easier joining in with my more jaded male friends and being a part of their rants to "mess with White/Latin chicks now."

It's easier for me to lie and act like I don't care, to not encourage other people to be involved in the UT community, especially the UT Black community. It's easier for me to not want to give advice or reassure people in their tough times, because that's one less load my heart or mind has to bear. It's easier for me to say "I'll just get by, I'll do just as much as I need to" because I've already put myself in a whole academically. It's easier to see my dreams as just dreams; that way, I won't be so heartbroken when they don't come to manifest in reality. It's easier to say I don't deserve the affirmation, that I've never gotten it because I just wasn't smart/handsome/popular enough. It's easier to say that what happens at home isn't my concern, that I should leave my family on their own in the same way I sometimes felt abandoned by them.

It's easier for me to lie. But the truth is I'm a terrible liar. Well, it's either that, or I just like torturing myself in the name of being a "good guy." lol