(In)Vulnerable

invulnerable (adj.) - incapable of being wounded, hurt, or damaged; proof
against or immune to attack

- http://www.dictionary.com/ definition

It is 11:40 PM on Monday, January 25, 2010. I am in Austin staying with friends of mine as I wait to get the last of things settled with regards to my apartment. It is official. I am once again a student at THE University of Texas at Austin. Once again being given the privilege to be at this prestigious institution and "finish what I started." And make no mistake, I do intend to finish. This year.

It took everything in me not to break down and cry as I walked across the campus all earlier today. I smiled and sat quietly in both of my classes, just listened and observed the professor and took notes. It was kind of like being a freshman again because I took in everything all over again: the Tower... the FAC... the Co-Op... the English building. And I definitely saw some of my people. It was a great feeling to just be back. But now I'm hungry. The hunger that I had when I was here and enrolled is back. The hunger is still there to be meaningful and to do something that will allow me to be remembered; but I accept that now, maybe my heart was in the wrong place. Maybe I'll find a way to do that "one big thing" that will make me relevant outside of organizational involvement. Maybe. I hope so. First things first: redeeming myself through my grades and passion to fight to the finish. I found out via facebook that my old organization, Student African American Brotherhood, has adopted the following phrase/mission this school year: "4.0 before we go." They wear it on their shirts. I'm going to have to live it.

I feel invulnerable. I feel untouchable. If I stay the course, keep my passion, stay focused... I'll be fine. "Immune to attack," as the definition above reads. I'm ready for it.

vulnerable (adj.) - capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt,
as by a weapon; open to moral attack, criticism, or temptation; difficult to
defend

- http://www.dictionary.com/ definition

My passion and resolve is firm in terms of my focus at UT, I feel. In that sense, I'm very much invulnerable. But now... now I'm going to be human for just a minute. Now I'm going to vent... now I'm going to be honest and open. Now I'm going to be vulnerable.

Over the course of my entire time at UT, one thing has always haunted me. Well, two, really, but this is the more important of the two. I wish there was some way to gauge whether or not it's true, but my mind pretty much "knows" it to be fact. You readers know, or at least have an idea of how "gifted" a writer I am. It's no secret really: I'm pretty good with a pen and pad (or keyboard). But I wonder often... would I be that much more popular and appreciated and "celebrated" if I were MORE ATTRACTIVE? I pose this because I consider my friends, my circles, both in Austin and Houston. I am, point blank period, the "nerd" in both groups. Perhaps in a sense, I'm even "the lame". lol Females always gravitate most to my friends, who are taller, smarter, bolder, complimented more on how "cute" they are. When I overhear girls talking about the "cute guys," my name never comes up in these conversations. Sometimes I can say the same things... mention songs on twitter or facebook... but when my friends do this, the reception is SO much greater. That does bother me. I definitely think those What do they have that I don't? thoughts of envy.

So I've always wondered, if I were just that much... well, "cuter," would my status or how people, especially females, view me, change for the better? I think so. It's frustrating, because I had always hoped to have "someone" before things happened. Before the book deal I'm almost certain I will get. Before I achieve my goals. So I don't have to second-guess about "is she only with me because of what I have and not who I am?" So far I haven't had that. I hate having to think that that's what it may come down to: feeling like my girlfriend/wife may be "taking an L" just because she knows I'll be able to provide her with a quality life. I hope someday, and someday soon, I find out an answer to this, in some form or fashion. It's "too easy" to blame the hearing aid. But I don't know. It hurts thinking that if I were just that much more attractive, then I'd be IN. Because I'm not, I'm only IN as far as being a friend; in all other things, I'm counted out. I promise I'm not having a pity party. Just venting.

Yeah.

So Close I Can Taste It...

Dear Readers,

Happy Belated New Year, y'all! I trust that 2010, both the New Year and new decade, have gotten off to beautiful starts for all of you.

I must say, that as far as starts go, 2010 has been one of the best. For the first time in a long time... I'm HOPEFUL. I feel like... 45% of the things I want are going my way. The other 55%, I'm just really leaving in God's hands because I've done all I can do in my own mortality to make them work in my favor.

2010 started with celebration. Specifically, on New Year's Day, I went out with a very good friend of mine who I know from way back in my BlackPlanet days to a party in downtown Houston. I kicked off 2010 by literally kissing 2009 goodbye - the pain, the frustration, the downfall, the setbacks... I was determined to wash those away with my Blue Hawaiian lol. Three days later, I would find out that I had been 1) readmitted to the University of Texas at Austin; and 2) possibly would be getting my tuition waived and, hence, housing covered. Three days after THAT, I was blessed to watch the National College Football Championship game with MY Texas Longhorns with some friends of mine in Houston, many of whom were UT Alumni already on their way down their respective post-undergrad roads of life (one's a personal trainer, one is a teacher with aspirations to go back to Los Angeles, and pretty much all the others are graduate school). I tried to set aside my own bittersweet feeling of being a failure amongst so much accomplishment... and resolved while I was there to make sure I was back in Austin to handle and finish what I had started. UT mounted one of hell of a comeback but eventually lost the game...

I would carry over the spirit of celebration the following day, January 8th, when I turned 24 years old. This too was a day of bittersweet celebration - I was officially one year away from being a quarter of a century old. I was glad to have made it thus far... but very much discouraged to be so unaccomplished at so "old" an age. I tried not to let this bother me too much; but I was blessed once again by the fact that many of my best friends since grade school, and the good friend mentioned above, took me first to a bar and then downtown for my 24th. I definitely got tipsy plus LOL, but I was really just thankful for the break and the time to just relax and enjoy myself.

I would find out that following Monday, on January 12, that pretty much everything was in motion with regards to UT, as I now had financial aid on the way and someone in Austin waiting on me to confirm an apartment. If you're thinking things are sounding just a bit too good to be true... you're absolutely right.

I found out that I couldn't get my financial aid or register for classes until I had taken care of certain "overdue fees" I owed the University from my last semester there. I would also find out that the state supported service that was GOING to help me set up my housing, was going to back out of helping me if I wasn't able to register for classes. Hence, the week of the 12th - just last week - is really a blur. On both of my days off, I headed to Austin to handle things with the financial aid office. It cleaned me out both physically and financially... but as of Friday, January 15, I had been registered as a student at the University of Texas.

Now, all that's left really, is securing my apartment... no easy task considering the spot that was being held for me seems to be slipping out of my grasp since I was unable to get my application to him because I've been... well, broke. So tomorrow... tomorrow I hustle again. Tomorrow I hustle to try and secure my apartment and, consequently, secure my place in Austin. It is BEYOND scary, y'all. I'm so close I can taste it. I want to believe that all I've pushed for and gone through and hustled for has not been in vain. Much of that relies on tomorrow. I can at least appreciate that, in all this, God has shown me how strong I REALLY am. I'm thankful that He taught me to pick up the pieces of myself and rebuild and FIGHT to the finish instead of just stand idly by.

Tomorrow... we find out whether the fight has ended, in Houston anyway, to begin anew in Austin. Keep me in your thoughts, y'all. I won't call it a Comeback until it's all said and done.