DETOX

"I'm sure it took a lot to come in here today. I assure you, though, by the time we're through with you, you won't remember a thing. You won't even miss her..."

"And you said this is..."

"A process quite different from rehabilitation. In rehabilitation, you are prepared to move past a particular process so that you can cope and deal with the world you left behind. In our process, you completely FORGET the world you left behind. There's no going back. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I... I'm sure."

Day one, arrive to the front office and
I sign in with a fake name
I've got too much to hide if someone finds me here
Resorting to this makes me feel so ashamed
But nothing else has worked thus far
Constantly wondering where you are
Paranoid because I know someone else
has picked up where I left off with you

And I ask myself
How did we drift apart?
Going back in my mind, trying to find its start
the start of the end of me and you
the beginning of the pain that I'm going through
Checking out of this Heartbreak Hotel and checking in-to

DETOX
It's like you're a drug, and technically there was no "we," but you took over me
and you started occupying every little thing
I remember every moment, every kiss, every hug
I ask myself did I not do enough
So tired of the guilt-trip and the heart ache
Wondering if you always intended to make my heart break
Can't stop thinking of the sound I heard your heart make
When I was with you, but now I'm not, so I gotta get through
Some way...

A week's passed since the first day, I'm not used to
feeling so far removed or so out of touch from you
I thought we had a connection, but maybe it was out of sync
Mad at myself for wanting to go back over every little thing
They strap me in, tie me down to a chair
I hold my breath, as they restrain me there
They hook me up to a machine that replays ev-ery me-mo-ry
More emotional than I'd like to admit, I'm screaming, "I hope you remember me"

And I would never
wish this feeling on anyone
Going back in my mind, trying to find where it all begun
Begun to unravel, and your feelings started to drift
That's if I'm to assume they ever did exist
Checking in, but no one's checking on me; it's like I'm not even missed, while I'm in

DETOX
I know now I cared too much
Sought out too much feeling and safety in your touch
Thought you could complement the best of me
Instead it feels like you're building the death of me
In spirit, I mean; of course, life will keep moving
But in terms of me and you, I never saw myself losing
I'm spinning out of control, and meanwhile, you're just cruising
Said I'm okay being friends, meantime, I keep thinking I blew it

Two months, eight weeks, two days, three hours
since you exposed me for a coward
Men ain't supposed to show emotion so I'm writing it out
Hoping the words don't make it sound like I'm crying aloud
The program concludes; they say you should be out of my system
Many methods applied, they tried everything but certain memories, they missed 'em
Your smile still stands out bright, your strong faith's a shining light
I remember once or twice we prayed together
Holding you in my arms as we laid together
I guess I should've asked God to help us stay together

DETOX
Forgetting how your lips tasted so sweet
Erasing all that you meant to me
It's not what I want, but something I have to do
If I'm ever to effectively get over you
Another number deleted out of my phone
Cutting down what I thought we'd together helped grow
I'd be lying if I said you weren't still on my mind
and maybe in time, I'll get a chance to make you mine again
Or not...

People never really miss what they have, until it becomes what they had.

On to the Next One...

"I say I don't have nothin', if I don't got you/ Like Sade, we got The Sweetest Taboo/ And my game is skin deep, like ya' first tattoo/ I gets all in ya' head, like shampoo/ I just wanna fuck wit' you like rude polices/ I don't want a broken heart, because I'll lose the pieces..."

- Lil' Wayne, on Little Brother's "Breakin' My Heart"

So I figured I'd vent a bit, especially seeing as how my last post was MONTHS ago... and I know I owe you all an update, but we'll get around to that. For now, I just need to clear my head.

I think last month, I FINALLY met the person I had been waiting for: someone who accepted me, who challenged me, who was willing to give me a shot with her. And then, in accordance with tradition, I blew it. I think she fell for me and then, unwittingly - in fact, reluctantly at first, but because it felt so good to have that connection - I started falling with her... I picked up speed, we both did... and then, next thing I knew, I was falling faster than her. And that's never a good thing. Just as quickly as it started, it ended. She ended us, for what I'd like to believe began with one weekend gone wrong - read: not as intimately well as she expected it to be - and ended with me not reaching out her as much as she'd wanted me to for her Birthday. There was a lot of miscommunication, lack of communication especially on my part. At the end, I honestly believe she was the right person at the wrong time.

I'm back in Houston now. I'm on my last leg really of undergrad, and she's on her last leg of graduate school. She has a car, two jobs... to borrow her words, she needed someone "who could keep up with her grind." In my eyes as well as hers... I could not. That didn't stop me from trying. She was worth the effort in every sense. But when it got to a point where I was trying to upgrade my phone, trying to adjust the timeframe in which I intended to handle certain business just to be able to "report back" to her the progress... I admittedly started to question. She said she didn't want "a baller who had it all, but a grinder who could work to get it all."

Right now, we're just friends. A good thing if I were honest with myself, because it gives me an opportunity to work on handling things moreso on my terms. Do I still want her? Absolutely. She challenged me. She made me feel important. She reminded me to remain as focused on God in possible. And she was/is beautiful, has a traffic-stopping, if-it-catches-you-you-ain't-goin'-NOWHERE smile... my hope is that eventually when I'm at a better place, when I've, caught up to her I guess you could say, we'll have another shot at us. But I know historically, I often fall for certain chicks harder than they do me. So it's a hope, but not a "hanging on everything" hope. I just wish I hadn't broken it. Historically, as my readers know, though, "breaking it" is pretty much what I do.

I'm not asking you to "Freeze" in the Lyfe Jennings and LL Cool J sense, but... maybe I'm hoping you'll see what you saw in me in the beginning, somewhere later when I'm better. Yeah.

"... She say she love me, won't leave me, won't ever let me go/ But if you're thinkin' of leavin', then you should let me know/ We better together than further apart/ So darlin', don't go breakin' my heart..."

- chorus, Little Brother's "Breakin' My Heart"

Regret... Well, Not Really

I told myself that this year, 2010, would be the year of No Regrets for me. To a degree, that still holds true.

I'll come back and elaborate on this at a later time, when my thoughts are more coherent and I'm not fighting sleep. But I just wanted to clear my head. I wanted to say... that I wish I had tried harder. I thought that I had put forth a good effort. Not my most concerted one, by far, but the one that I thought would work for YOU. The situation I found myself in with you was different than any previous one I had been in before. I was cautiously optimistic about you - I was careful in every action I took and everything I said so that I didn't a) jinx anything; and b) scare you away. I wish I had known better what you wanted and how I could be that. If I was even capable of being that. We may never know.

I was content with you being my little secret. I discussed you with a VERY select few people, mostly people I didn't think you knew. But as with all secrets... eventually, someone else stumbled upon you. Someone else who was better able to serve the purpose you wanted and fulfill the needs you had. At times, I feel silly that I ever thought I could. I doubted, very much, that you saw something in me, perhaps because, between past experiences and what was going on with me personally, I never saw much of anything in myself. So I was careful. Careful so I didn't get hurt. Careful so I never disappointed you, at least not intentionally.

Maybe I unconsciously sabotaged things. I'll never know. There are too many "maybes" in my head, too many questions I'm compelled to ask but am afraid to hear the answer to. So the breakaway was easy because, perhaps, I had always been looking for a reason TO breakaway. Not because I wanted to, but because in the back of my mind, I always thought I didn't measure up. And you presented me with that reason. But because you're already thinking I've said things about you, and because that led to a fallout I never wanted to happen and which, itself, made me question further, I'll let the maybes linger. You may have thought I took it well because I've taught myself to shut my emotions away. So, no, I didn't take it well at all; I was just particularly good at faking it and making myself numb. And I'll say simply, I wish I had tried harder.

The funny thing about wishes, is that they rarely come true when it applies to things that have already happened. But still... I wish I had tried harder.

"Just a lil' bit... every now and then... d-d-do you think about me? Got damn, girl, we used to be friends..."

- "Do You Think About Me," 50 Cent

It's easier to lie

It's easier for me to lie.

It's hard for me to invest my time and patience in getting to know you and your goals and aspirations and the many manifestations that make up your dreams. It's hard for me to try to be that person to you that I think you deserve and time and again, question myself. It's hard for me to think that I literally am not good enough for you, hard to buy into the assumption that you just really might be into me. It's hard for me to believe that it's mutual because one day you text me saying "good morning" and "good night," and a week later, I hear nothing from you. It's hard trying to read whether you feel me or whether something's changed between the two of us because I missed a call, or didn't return a text, or didn't stick around long enough to see you "really start playing." It's hard staring at the phone for five minutes asking myself if I should text you first, or text you good luck wishes on the day of your exam, because I don't want to push you away in doing too much.

It's hard for me to show up and give so much of my energy and advice and feel like it's falling on deaf hearts and ears. It's hard to aspire to greatness and constantly remind myself that I haven't put myself in a position to be great. It's hard to believe in myself when I don't get that affirmation I've been seeking from the people around me, that cosign I would want to keep me pushing. It's hard to believe in myself when I'm powerless to help my family in their tough times.

It's easier to lie.

It's easier for me to add you to the list of "could have beens" and move on to the next girl, easier for me to forget how different you are and simply dismiss you as
one of the same. It's easier for me to say that I'm just too nerdy, just too much of a gentleman, just aren't "hard" enough to appeal to you. It's easier to say that that one text I forgot to return, that one time I left early, that one time I questioned your motives, was the "final straw" and ever since then you've really just been dragging me along, no longer wanting me around. It's easier for me to respond to your questions and texts like I don't care, because it's easier to pretend not to care than it is to REALLY care. It's easier being an asshole and not having to think twice about it. It's easier joining in with my more jaded male friends and being a part of their rants to "mess with White/Latin chicks now."

It's easier for me to lie and act like I don't care, to not encourage other people to be involved in the UT community, especially the UT Black community. It's easier for me to not want to give advice or reassure people in their tough times, because that's one less load my heart or mind has to bear. It's easier for me to say "I'll just get by, I'll do just as much as I need to" because I've already put myself in a whole academically. It's easier to see my dreams as just dreams; that way, I won't be so heartbroken when they don't come to manifest in reality. It's easier to say I don't deserve the affirmation, that I've never gotten it because I just wasn't smart/handsome/popular enough. It's easier to say that what happens at home isn't my concern, that I should leave my family on their own in the same way I sometimes felt abandoned by them.

It's easier for me to lie. But the truth is I'm a terrible liar. Well, it's either that, or I just like torturing myself in the name of being a "good guy." lol

Sacrifice

"Sacrifice/ Don't give up the fight/ Everything will be alright/ On Any Given Sunday/ Depends on you/ Whether you win or lose/ Know you gotta pay some dues/ So that you can get to Monday..."

- Jamie Foxx, from the song Any Given Sunday

Stardate: February 19, 2010. 4 AM. Up later than intended from a nap that started at 11 PM, so that I could focus and into a paper I have due later today at 5 PM. However, as usual, I had a lot of my mind.

This semester has been a lot about sacrifice. That's the name of the game of my "return" to Austin right now - sacrificing and keeping sight of what is most important. I've tried to consistently attend class since first arriving to Austin just four weeks ago (it's crazy how fast the time has gone by so quickly); I've tried to keep up with my readings and assignments in a timely fashion. It has not been easy. I know now that I should never again take anything like "a break" when it comes to this school stuff lol. Because I hit the ground running.

On the flip side, my "involvement" has been little to none. To a degree, I can appreciate this. Being uninvolved and untied to any organizations allows me a freedom to "choose" where I spend my evenings. I'm still going to organizational meetings, but it's not "every meeting, every week" like it was back in 2008. Now, it's like, I'll attend SAAB once a month, attend BSA once a month, and so on. Consequently, I find myself with a little bit more time than I had before. Time to study, but also time to really just spend doing things I hadn't done before or attend events I'd have wanted to attend and be apart of that before I wouldn't have been able to. There is freedom in being able to go out barhopping with friends on the weekends... or being able/willing to say, "No, I can't because I have a paper/assignment due tomorrow."

I would discover that this "sacrifice" of mine was always easy when I kept myself an arms' length away from the UT Black Community, the general UT Community, really. This year, UT will host The Big XII Conference on Black Student Government for this first time in the Conference's history. The Black campus leaders have all been working ridiculously hard on this effort to make sure that the Conference here is amongst the best and brightest ever. I attended one of the final plenary meetings for this Conference (which kicks off next week, by the way) on Monday. I was impressed with the amount of people who had shown up, impressed with the number of hands it seemed that had latched onto this endeavor. It made me miss being a part of that.

In a past life, I was a campus leader. People came to me for advice and ideas. When something like this was about to pop off on campus, I'd be notified and encouraged to be a part of it. In a past life, I would have been playing some kind of role in the Black community's involvement with The 32nd Annual Big XII Conference on Black Student Government. At that meeting, I saw a shadow of my former self: the leader, the motivator, the person who was so influential and so important, the person who was relevant. I hate feeling like, in undergrad anyway, I'll never be relevant again in the community. I felt/FEEL like a has-been. I don't know that this feeling will be resolved or amended within the rest of the time that I am at the University.

Sacrifice is "taking the L." Understanding that something must be let go in order for a real impact or real change to be made. It seems like Black leader Bradford J. Howard is a leader no longer. Like I have to sacrifice that image, that idea of being so important to people on campus. Like I have to sacrifice that feeling I got of pride and relevance, of importance.

Sacrifice is going to be necessary for me to make it to the end of the semester, indeed, to my eventual graduation in May or August. It won't kill me, and it might make me stronger at a later point, but right now, it's certainly going to tear my heart apart and hurt like hell in the process. I hope that my sacrifice is not in vain. On the flip side, I hope that my sacrifice doesn't make me less important or less relevant.

(In)Vulnerable

invulnerable (adj.) - incapable of being wounded, hurt, or damaged; proof
against or immune to attack

- http://www.dictionary.com/ definition

It is 11:40 PM on Monday, January 25, 2010. I am in Austin staying with friends of mine as I wait to get the last of things settled with regards to my apartment. It is official. I am once again a student at THE University of Texas at Austin. Once again being given the privilege to be at this prestigious institution and "finish what I started." And make no mistake, I do intend to finish. This year.

It took everything in me not to break down and cry as I walked across the campus all earlier today. I smiled and sat quietly in both of my classes, just listened and observed the professor and took notes. It was kind of like being a freshman again because I took in everything all over again: the Tower... the FAC... the Co-Op... the English building. And I definitely saw some of my people. It was a great feeling to just be back. But now I'm hungry. The hunger that I had when I was here and enrolled is back. The hunger is still there to be meaningful and to do something that will allow me to be remembered; but I accept that now, maybe my heart was in the wrong place. Maybe I'll find a way to do that "one big thing" that will make me relevant outside of organizational involvement. Maybe. I hope so. First things first: redeeming myself through my grades and passion to fight to the finish. I found out via facebook that my old organization, Student African American Brotherhood, has adopted the following phrase/mission this school year: "4.0 before we go." They wear it on their shirts. I'm going to have to live it.

I feel invulnerable. I feel untouchable. If I stay the course, keep my passion, stay focused... I'll be fine. "Immune to attack," as the definition above reads. I'm ready for it.

vulnerable (adj.) - capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt,
as by a weapon; open to moral attack, criticism, or temptation; difficult to
defend

- http://www.dictionary.com/ definition

My passion and resolve is firm in terms of my focus at UT, I feel. In that sense, I'm very much invulnerable. But now... now I'm going to be human for just a minute. Now I'm going to vent... now I'm going to be honest and open. Now I'm going to be vulnerable.

Over the course of my entire time at UT, one thing has always haunted me. Well, two, really, but this is the more important of the two. I wish there was some way to gauge whether or not it's true, but my mind pretty much "knows" it to be fact. You readers know, or at least have an idea of how "gifted" a writer I am. It's no secret really: I'm pretty good with a pen and pad (or keyboard). But I wonder often... would I be that much more popular and appreciated and "celebrated" if I were MORE ATTRACTIVE? I pose this because I consider my friends, my circles, both in Austin and Houston. I am, point blank period, the "nerd" in both groups. Perhaps in a sense, I'm even "the lame". lol Females always gravitate most to my friends, who are taller, smarter, bolder, complimented more on how "cute" they are. When I overhear girls talking about the "cute guys," my name never comes up in these conversations. Sometimes I can say the same things... mention songs on twitter or facebook... but when my friends do this, the reception is SO much greater. That does bother me. I definitely think those What do they have that I don't? thoughts of envy.

So I've always wondered, if I were just that much... well, "cuter," would my status or how people, especially females, view me, change for the better? I think so. It's frustrating, because I had always hoped to have "someone" before things happened. Before the book deal I'm almost certain I will get. Before I achieve my goals. So I don't have to second-guess about "is she only with me because of what I have and not who I am?" So far I haven't had that. I hate having to think that that's what it may come down to: feeling like my girlfriend/wife may be "taking an L" just because she knows I'll be able to provide her with a quality life. I hope someday, and someday soon, I find out an answer to this, in some form or fashion. It's "too easy" to blame the hearing aid. But I don't know. It hurts thinking that if I were just that much more attractive, then I'd be IN. Because I'm not, I'm only IN as far as being a friend; in all other things, I'm counted out. I promise I'm not having a pity party. Just venting.

Yeah.

So Close I Can Taste It...

Dear Readers,

Happy Belated New Year, y'all! I trust that 2010, both the New Year and new decade, have gotten off to beautiful starts for all of you.

I must say, that as far as starts go, 2010 has been one of the best. For the first time in a long time... I'm HOPEFUL. I feel like... 45% of the things I want are going my way. The other 55%, I'm just really leaving in God's hands because I've done all I can do in my own mortality to make them work in my favor.

2010 started with celebration. Specifically, on New Year's Day, I went out with a very good friend of mine who I know from way back in my BlackPlanet days to a party in downtown Houston. I kicked off 2010 by literally kissing 2009 goodbye - the pain, the frustration, the downfall, the setbacks... I was determined to wash those away with my Blue Hawaiian lol. Three days later, I would find out that I had been 1) readmitted to the University of Texas at Austin; and 2) possibly would be getting my tuition waived and, hence, housing covered. Three days after THAT, I was blessed to watch the National College Football Championship game with MY Texas Longhorns with some friends of mine in Houston, many of whom were UT Alumni already on their way down their respective post-undergrad roads of life (one's a personal trainer, one is a teacher with aspirations to go back to Los Angeles, and pretty much all the others are graduate school). I tried to set aside my own bittersweet feeling of being a failure amongst so much accomplishment... and resolved while I was there to make sure I was back in Austin to handle and finish what I had started. UT mounted one of hell of a comeback but eventually lost the game...

I would carry over the spirit of celebration the following day, January 8th, when I turned 24 years old. This too was a day of bittersweet celebration - I was officially one year away from being a quarter of a century old. I was glad to have made it thus far... but very much discouraged to be so unaccomplished at so "old" an age. I tried not to let this bother me too much; but I was blessed once again by the fact that many of my best friends since grade school, and the good friend mentioned above, took me first to a bar and then downtown for my 24th. I definitely got tipsy plus LOL, but I was really just thankful for the break and the time to just relax and enjoy myself.

I would find out that following Monday, on January 12, that pretty much everything was in motion with regards to UT, as I now had financial aid on the way and someone in Austin waiting on me to confirm an apartment. If you're thinking things are sounding just a bit too good to be true... you're absolutely right.

I found out that I couldn't get my financial aid or register for classes until I had taken care of certain "overdue fees" I owed the University from my last semester there. I would also find out that the state supported service that was GOING to help me set up my housing, was going to back out of helping me if I wasn't able to register for classes. Hence, the week of the 12th - just last week - is really a blur. On both of my days off, I headed to Austin to handle things with the financial aid office. It cleaned me out both physically and financially... but as of Friday, January 15, I had been registered as a student at the University of Texas.

Now, all that's left really, is securing my apartment... no easy task considering the spot that was being held for me seems to be slipping out of my grasp since I was unable to get my application to him because I've been... well, broke. So tomorrow... tomorrow I hustle again. Tomorrow I hustle to try and secure my apartment and, consequently, secure my place in Austin. It is BEYOND scary, y'all. I'm so close I can taste it. I want to believe that all I've pushed for and gone through and hustled for has not been in vain. Much of that relies on tomorrow. I can at least appreciate that, in all this, God has shown me how strong I REALLY am. I'm thankful that He taught me to pick up the pieces of myself and rebuild and FIGHT to the finish instead of just stand idly by.

Tomorrow... we find out whether the fight has ended, in Houston anyway, to begin anew in Austin. Keep me in your thoughts, y'all. I won't call it a Comeback until it's all said and done.