The Bradford Fail(?)(!)(?!)(.)(...)

"To try and to fail/the two things I hate..." - Jay-Z, "IZZO (H.O.V.A.)"

So, recent events have inspired me to blog a little bit about something that has actually been on my mind, but that I've never really "gone in on" until now. By now, those of you who've read faithfully should know that I consider(ed) myself a "student leader". This was a consideration that I developed and that was furthered by the support and praise my friends and fellow student leaders often lavished upon me. Indirectly, this image of myself as a student leader, as a leader period, honestly, allowed me to develop a sense of "infallibility". What do I mean by that? Unconsciously, my image at college, really my image amongst all of my peers, meant an absolute lot to me. I tried as best as I could to carry myself with integrity, dependability, and as "clean" an image as possible (unless I was out and about at the club, in which case I got a little bit crunk. Just a little bit). I've come to understand now that this made me a little bit cocky about who I am. I actually felt untouchable, at least on the student leadership tip.

Last year, 2008, was really the first real time I started feeling the real me overtake the image I had built up. As President of one of my student organizations, I often criticized myself and, as well, dealt with criticism from others (some of the hardest of which came from my own executive board in the organization). I was late to some meetings. I showed up late to our annual banquet with our sister organization. I made promises that I tried to follow up on, but ultimately, did not. I finished out that year with mixed feelings about my "sense of leadership." In many senses, as President who had fallen short, as a man of integrity and honor who stumbled many times, as a student whose academic priorities had taken a backseat to my organizational involvement. In many ways... I failed. In many ways, I wonder if it showed. In 2009, I met with still more failure. Academic probationary status, something I had NEVER even approached in my pre-college years. Failure to save money to effectively pay back friends for their crucial help throughout the spring semester. Failure to honor my image as a student leader because I was... well, no longer a student.

Rejection, I could deal with. It has happened to me so often (LOL), that whenever I got rejected, it was just another "L" that I could expect. Even when I got my rejection letter just last week from the publishing company I submitted fade2Black to (oh, I didn't tell y'all? I submitted that fade2Black story to a publisher. More on that in a future post). Failure, however.. failure was not only "not an option"; it was something that was BENEATH me. The great Bradford J. Howard, fail?! Fall short? In what world?! Maybe that's what's meant by "pride comes before a fall"...

So when I failed, when the failures began to accumulate with no end in sight, I fell apart. But, in typical Bradford fashion, I did everything in my power to make sure that those I cared about didn't have to bear the burden of catching the pieces of me. It wasn't for them to know. I told my "circle in Austin," though. Their reactions didn't surprise me: disappointment, frustration, "Bradford, damn it!" This is what happens when you admit a true failure to your friends: their image and perception of you changes. Maybe they don't hold you in a lesser regard, but something changes. Everyone else, though, I did what I could to keep as far out of the loop as possible. Because image is everything, right? Or at least it was to me.

Being home this fall has certainly humbled me. Working back at Kroger, for more hours and more pay than I did the previous summers I'd worked there, was unfulfilling. The whole "image is everything" concept? Out of the window. I don't get my hair cut half as consistently, my facial hair is definitely on that Kimbo (Slice), and I'm relying on Axe (Axe!) body spray because cologne just isn't affordable right now. I take the bus to work every day. At best, I got decent tips and a semi-crush (okay, not a crush, maybe an "at a distance" infatuation... that I'm not going to pursue. Why? Because she has a kid and my perception is she likes bad boys. Say what you will about "Bradford, you're shooting yourself down." That's my story and I'm sticking to it lol). Mostly, my checks go towards helping my sister pay for her senior year things since my mother and her stepdad refuse to. But perhaps, I'll be given a second chance in 2010. To... if not make up for, than rise above from my failures. I was a very broken man in June 2009, when I first came home. In many ways, I'm still rebuilding myself from the ground up. Slowly gaining my confidence back. Gradually remembering what it means to not take things for granted. Daily reminding myself... that even though it all hurt like hell, even though it's far from over by any means... failing didn't kill me, so it HAS to have me some kind of stronger. And maybe, just maybe... failing didn't make me an overall failure myself.

To try and to fail. The two things I hate. To DO and to succeed. The two things I hope to come to live and love.

Thanks for listening.