The Bradford Fail(?)(!)(?!)(.)(...)

"To try and to fail/the two things I hate..." - Jay-Z, "IZZO (H.O.V.A.)"

So, recent events have inspired me to blog a little bit about something that has actually been on my mind, but that I've never really "gone in on" until now. By now, those of you who've read faithfully should know that I consider(ed) myself a "student leader". This was a consideration that I developed and that was furthered by the support and praise my friends and fellow student leaders often lavished upon me. Indirectly, this image of myself as a student leader, as a leader period, honestly, allowed me to develop a sense of "infallibility". What do I mean by that? Unconsciously, my image at college, really my image amongst all of my peers, meant an absolute lot to me. I tried as best as I could to carry myself with integrity, dependability, and as "clean" an image as possible (unless I was out and about at the club, in which case I got a little bit crunk. Just a little bit). I've come to understand now that this made me a little bit cocky about who I am. I actually felt untouchable, at least on the student leadership tip.

Last year, 2008, was really the first real time I started feeling the real me overtake the image I had built up. As President of one of my student organizations, I often criticized myself and, as well, dealt with criticism from others (some of the hardest of which came from my own executive board in the organization). I was late to some meetings. I showed up late to our annual banquet with our sister organization. I made promises that I tried to follow up on, but ultimately, did not. I finished out that year with mixed feelings about my "sense of leadership." In many senses, as President who had fallen short, as a man of integrity and honor who stumbled many times, as a student whose academic priorities had taken a backseat to my organizational involvement. In many ways... I failed. In many ways, I wonder if it showed. In 2009, I met with still more failure. Academic probationary status, something I had NEVER even approached in my pre-college years. Failure to save money to effectively pay back friends for their crucial help throughout the spring semester. Failure to honor my image as a student leader because I was... well, no longer a student.

Rejection, I could deal with. It has happened to me so often (LOL), that whenever I got rejected, it was just another "L" that I could expect. Even when I got my rejection letter just last week from the publishing company I submitted fade2Black to (oh, I didn't tell y'all? I submitted that fade2Black story to a publisher. More on that in a future post). Failure, however.. failure was not only "not an option"; it was something that was BENEATH me. The great Bradford J. Howard, fail?! Fall short? In what world?! Maybe that's what's meant by "pride comes before a fall"...

So when I failed, when the failures began to accumulate with no end in sight, I fell apart. But, in typical Bradford fashion, I did everything in my power to make sure that those I cared about didn't have to bear the burden of catching the pieces of me. It wasn't for them to know. I told my "circle in Austin," though. Their reactions didn't surprise me: disappointment, frustration, "Bradford, damn it!" This is what happens when you admit a true failure to your friends: their image and perception of you changes. Maybe they don't hold you in a lesser regard, but something changes. Everyone else, though, I did what I could to keep as far out of the loop as possible. Because image is everything, right? Or at least it was to me.

Being home this fall has certainly humbled me. Working back at Kroger, for more hours and more pay than I did the previous summers I'd worked there, was unfulfilling. The whole "image is everything" concept? Out of the window. I don't get my hair cut half as consistently, my facial hair is definitely on that Kimbo (Slice), and I'm relying on Axe (Axe!) body spray because cologne just isn't affordable right now. I take the bus to work every day. At best, I got decent tips and a semi-crush (okay, not a crush, maybe an "at a distance" infatuation... that I'm not going to pursue. Why? Because she has a kid and my perception is she likes bad boys. Say what you will about "Bradford, you're shooting yourself down." That's my story and I'm sticking to it lol). Mostly, my checks go towards helping my sister pay for her senior year things since my mother and her stepdad refuse to. But perhaps, I'll be given a second chance in 2010. To... if not make up for, than rise above from my failures. I was a very broken man in June 2009, when I first came home. In many ways, I'm still rebuilding myself from the ground up. Slowly gaining my confidence back. Gradually remembering what it means to not take things for granted. Daily reminding myself... that even though it all hurt like hell, even though it's far from over by any means... failing didn't kill me, so it HAS to have me some kind of stronger. And maybe, just maybe... failing didn't make me an overall failure myself.

To try and to fail. The two things I hate. To DO and to succeed. The two things I hope to come to live and love.

Thanks for listening.

Technical Difficulties

Written solely to serve as motivation/inspiration... hopefully, it's just what your doctor ordered for you! Happy reading...

---
It’s been rough lately, hasn’t it? I can relate.
You’ve seen better seasons; you’re in terrible shape.
I know you, though. I know you’re built for greatness.
Of all people, surely you, can pull through; you can take this.
I’m a man of my word, and I promise after this message,
You’ll be back to your regularly programmed state
It’s just Technical Difficulties distracting you,
Making you forget that you’re great

Let me guess

You know you hustle harder than most,
But it seems you fade into the background
Passed over for promotion
By the lazy, the most known, even the class clown
You put a smile on in public,
But your heart’s bearing a frown
Being decent seems to prompt your descent
Away from your desired crown

I bet that

Maybe you’ve been throwing punches
That never seem to hit
Your next life step’s a puzzle
And you don’t know where the pieces fit
And you’re tired and you’re weary,
You’re thinking, “Damn, it might be time to quit”
The stuff that should matter most
Keeps getting misplaced amongst meaningless shi…

Or perhaps

Your latest setback was supposed to
“set up” up a comeback, but it had no ETA
You have grad school aspirations,
But don’t have the strongest GPA
The fiercest storm you’ve ever faced is brewing
And you feel the winds making you sway
You’re trying to get to higher ground
But things seem to hold you down and force you to stay

When folks look at you, when they cast their eyes up-on
Your very presence, do you ever hope they'll ask “What’s going on?”
You wear it well, don’t you? Hell, you’ve got to
Because who knows what others would do
If they knew
What you were going through
But I promise you, I definitely sympathize
I’m pressing on right next to you, bearing the same hungry eyes
So to those whose regular focus has been sidetracked,
These are just Technical Difficulties, I promise you’ll be right back

I feel you

I, too, am trying to make major moves
But keep feeling like people are cramping up My Space
So my thoughts are all aTwitter
Where even my family doesn’t seem to relate
And time is of the essence,
But I seem to be moving at just a snail’s pace
My Face looks up, but the Book of life
Seems to read to me, “Know your place”

I understand when you say

You’ve got more than enough haters,
But can never seem to find Love
It’s gotten so you sometimes feel abandoned
By even the Powers Above
And you give your all, but nothing you do
Ever seems to be enough
You’ve tried to be nice, but the people around you
Have made even your smoother edges rough

Need a Commercial Break? You’ve earned it, so take it
Feeling like you’ve reached the end of it?
You haven’t
I assure you, you’ll make it
Chasing ghosts and older siblings’ shadows?
Don’t let it phase you, just shake it
You’ve got the spirit of a warrior
Don’t ever let anyone break it

I see you struggling and believe me,
I promise you’re not alone
You’re not the only one feeling like you’re out of gas
When the goal is not that much farther up the road
But stick to it, don’t let what’s Technically Difficult
Allow your many rights to be overlooked amongst your wrongs
You’ve come so far; so don’t go out, GO HARD
It’s the Season Finale, and you, young one, were built to finish strong!
- Bradford J. Howard

11.05.09 (AKA The Complement) - A Poem...

I’m looking for someone, perhaps you can help me find her
I’m looking for someone who stands out, who won’t serve as a reminder
Of the painful past experiences, of the disappointing instances,
For someone who is unique in even her most “everyday” of appearances
If you think you fit the profile then, you are encouraged to apply
But understand that my demands, only The Complement can supply

I’m looking for a lady, not a damsel in distress
I’m looking for someone who understands that I just might be a mess
Or, perhaps a better way to put it is, I’m a work in progress
But ideally, she’ll understand that I use every day to get better
She’ll understand that we’re a team that has to grow together
She’ll understand that I’m complex, yet won’t hold that against me,
Because I’ll understand she’s just as human, and perhaps it’s our destiny
To set a tone that she and I must do together, that can’t be set while we’re alone
When I’ve conquered the World or something like it, I want The Complement next to me
On her throne

Don’t misunderstand my intentions: indeed, I have big and very bold aspirations
And as such, I ask that “someone” to have some kind of formal education
Not so she can stand idly by as I “do my thing,”
But so we can take down every challenge and wall, brick by brick, as a team
I’m looking for someone who’s a “playmaker,” who rises to the occasion
Who may be scared of what the future may hold, but is unshaken by that sensation
I’m looking for someone who can read the defense well and confidently catch my passes
And it couldn’t hurt at all, if This Complement just so happens to wear glasses
(Because those are sexy on a woman…)

I’m looking for someone who knows how to wear a dress,
To carry herself professionally, yet doesn’t mind kicking it in sweats
When it’s a lazy Saturday afternoon and the college football games are playing
(and here a UT Alum would be preferred. I’m not saying, I’m just saying…)
I’m looking for someone who’s seeking out strongly spiritual fruit
And she doesn’t have to have it “all in her basket”; shoot, I’d rather be right there picking it with you
We can grow closer to that Higher Power and in turn, better serve one another
As much as partners, friends, students, as we do as fighters and lovers
And as passionate as I expect she’ll be, I’m sure the arguments (like the sex) will rival thunderstorms
Booming crashes throughout the night (or day) that leave the air around us charged and warm
But our disagreeances won’t cause great grievances; no, we’ll endure them and move on
Because The Complement and I will just debate… and sometimes, I’ll let her think she’s won
(When really I’ve conceded… or JUST this once, I’ll admit it, I’ve actually been beaten)

I’m looking for someone that, perhaps, you can help me find
And if you think you fit the bill, you’re more than welcome to apply
She has dark eyes and a smile whose dimples are immaculately placed
So that seeing her happy is the best thing ever, because her grin lights up her face
And she’s strong, physically and mentally, because past battles have made her so
She’s seen dark times in her life, but survived through each, so she has an afterglow
She is meticulous, and curious, outspoken but very introspective
She has learned through her experiences to keep her Company quite selective
She is intelligent yet grounded, she loves who she is in every definition
And while at times she’s insecure about herself, The Complement maintains a fierce intuition

I’m looking for a “star player,” someone willing to step into the spotlight
Yet she shouldn’t be condescending or judge others by their faults and plights
Indeed, I seek out someone understanding of varying points of view
No, she may not agree with them; but respect them, she absolutely must do
I’m looking for someone, as Morrison once wrote, who will be a “friend of my mind”
Who will “gather the pieces of me” when I might be broken, and set them back in line
And remind me when I’m misguidedly outspoken, that certain battles just aren’t mine
She should know Lenny Williams, the Isley Brothers, and all things Sade, Maxwell, and Badu
Certainly it’s not a requirement, but at least be familiar with Love Jones and “In a Sentimental Mood”
(Though if you aren’t, don’t worry, I’ll absolutely educate you…)

I’ve listed all my wants, and hence it’s only fair to tell what I intend to reciprocate
For the someone who just might be my Complementary mate
Historically speaking, I’ve often fallen short, often made costly mistakes
I’ll do what I can to avoid such bad choices with her, unless it’s already written by fate
And though some call me a leader, I admit I’m a bundle of contradictions:
I’m well spoken in public engagements, but intimately, I stumble in my diction
I write eloquently, intelligently, perhaps a bit too much,
And admittedly, I’m awkward when it comes to the simplest kind of touch
There may be more, as well, that I’ll reserve for when it’s just me and her
I won’t say that it’s all bad, but certainly, I’m afraid some might think the worst
But I expect My Complement will take me as I am, with neither judgment nor pity
And serve, to my past and possibly future, as a very present remedy

I’m looking for someone, perhaps you know where she might be
All interested parties are encouraged to submit an inquiry
I’m looking for The Complement to the things I aspire to do,
And when we’re at our strongest, nothing could ever stop me and you
But if we’re at our weakest, we’ll know each is right there for the other to cling to
I personally promise not to let my busy-ness interfere with our business
You must understand we’re a franchise, a partnership, and I'm in it to win this
So I need you in my corner as more than just my cheerleader or my witness
I promise to respect your feelings, honor your body, and caress your soul
For the duration that we’re in it, whether that’s two months or until we grow old
I promise to be the ear and the shoulder whether you need to cry or vent
I promise all this and more... IF you are The Complement

- Bradford J. Howard