Before the Dawn...

"The night is darkest just before the Dawn..."

Struggle is a part of life. That's something we're constantly (and some of us, DAILY) reminded about. Even though we know hard times are coming because we've already gone through hard times before, we've never quite prepared for the hard times' eventual return. Sometimes, too much comes at you too soon. Imagine being pushed back and pushed back by your circumstances that you've been pushed into a corner. There's no room to breathe, no real room to move... the only way out is in front of you, but you've got all these obstacles and challenges standing in your way. It's not even that you're scared. You're just tired. You're tired of fighting back and feeling like nothing's changed, like nothing's ever going to change. You know that self-defeat will ruin you from jump, but when your world seems to be crashing down around you and nothing seems to be going your way... you begin to ask yourself, "Is it even still possible? Can I get out this time? WILL I get out this time?"

"I'm supposed to be the soldier, who never blows his composure/ even though, I hold, the weight of the whole world on my shoulders/ I ain't supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it... I'd never drag (my crew) in battles, that I can handle, unless I absolutely have to/ I'm supposed to set an example/ I need to be the leader/ My crew looks for me to guide 'em/ If some sh*t ever just pop off, I'm supposed to be beside 'em..." - "Like Toy Soldiers," Eminem

It's funny. I'm used to being "the go-to guy." Which is not to be confused with that guy with the connects and the clout or what have you lol. I mean, "the go-to guy": the one people come to when they need advice, guidance, reassurance, a step in the right direction. The above song by rapper Eminem is actually an ode/cautionary tale to "beefs" in the rap game... but the part I've quoted, I consider very relative to my unrelated-to-music life. Literally, that was the title I believed I held. I was there for people, I was the person who held his own. And above everything else, I NEVER showed or told anyone when I was going through something... "unless I absolutely had to." While perhaps I took it an extreme, I'd like to think we all have moments like that or hold such a position in the eyes of others. Each of us is held in high regard somewhere, or believe we have some kind of pull/status/standing in certain circles where, we don't want to get caught "on our knees." We take pride in the invincibility our "friends" and FRIENDS give us because, even if it doesn't really exist, that perceived invincibility brings with it a perceived strength that will keep us going. The dilemma that comes about because of this, though, is that we're not always comfortable sharing our struggles with others... and so indirectly, you become "the go-to person" that doesn't have anyone to go to themselves.

"The night is always darkest before the Dawn. And I promise you... the Dawn is coming." - Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight

When life gets hard... you tend to forget that you CAN go harder. And you should. As much as the hard times wear down on us, as much as our struggles take up so much of our energy and thoughts... the reality is, they define us. You never know who you are, where you're destined to go, what you're capable of, until you're forced into that corner and it seems like everything's against you. There's no one left to count on but you and God; one of you is only human, the other is powerful beyond measure. With those kinds of odds, you can't count yourself out. You can't let your circumstances keep you from the victory, because of the truth of the matter is, just when you're starting to doubt that you'll pull through, right when things are at their "darkest"... it's right then and there that you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don't get too comfortable in that corner; I can't tell you when, but I promise you, your Dawn IS coming. And when it does, the comeback you make will be one of EPIC proportions.

I won't just see you at the top. I'll be climbing right there with you. Until next time...

The Return...

At long last... I've returned. It's good to be back in my own spot... the place, really, that I can come to and vent, without judgment, without evil/curious/knowing/glowering/anxious stares. I'm not talking about my apartment, of course. I'm talking about here, on my blog.

It's been a long summer for me, perhaps the longest one I've had in my entire life. I spent the summer back home and without a summer job; well, that is, if you don't count babysitting my younger sisters as a full-time job (and since I didn't get paid for it, we won't lol). The summer was a burden because I wasn't used to being home for so long. Home, for the first time ever, was bittersweet: I was glad to be amongst family, but surprised that the littlest of things irked me. Dishes stacked up near the sink. My music CDs strewn across the floor in one of my sisters' rooms. Having to miss Black in America because SOMEONE just had to watch her Wizards of Waverly Place. Yeah... that stuff built up. It makes you miss having your own space. Don't get me wrong, they have me in the back room (which doubles as a storage room), but it's still technically not my space.

I say all this to say... I've come back here to claim my space, my sanctuary. And the same way I'm rebuilding this site, with new stories, new vents, new emotions... I'll be rebuilding myself. Sometimes you have to do that. Return to foundations, go back to the place where you can just be yourself... and start from scratch. In the past, I've written bright things and sad things. Of course there'll be more of the same, but I'll try to offset it. Life isn't always easy, but it's always dealable... and there are always bright spots in the storms... If you've been here before, welcome back. If you haven't, backtrack, read who I was... and follow me as we discover who I'm becoming.

Still Not There...

A lot of my good friends have been posting some pretty good, pretty inspirational messages on their blogs recently, and it's somewhat gotten the writing juices flowing. That said, expect me to post soon... I definitely haven't left you all hanging, I'm just on the edge of the precipice staring out and wondering if I'm in the right place... and where I'm being called to next...