“We cannot become what we need to be… by remaining who we are.”– Max Depree
Another year gone by. And let me just say, for the record, I will not miss 2008 lol. Outside of a few memorable moments, including the election of our first African (as well as African-American and biracial) President; me stepping out of my comfort zone to actually voice my feelings rather than put them in a letter for a certain young lady; getting to see Maya Angelou speak, live and in color; and forging a few friendships that may last a few years, it was not the greatest of years for me. I spent much of the year stressed out, discouraged, feeling as though many opportunities passed me by. I was at my lowest; in a sense, I still am. The hardest part of 2008, was finding out just how much things had fallen outside of my control. That frustrated me, feeling like for the first time in a long time that there was truly nothing I could do to change any of my situations.
In the past, there was always something I could do. For example, when I was in high school and senior year came along, I had no money to get many of the things I wanted; my grandparents did what they could, my mother often tried and sometimes failed to help me acquire what I needed. In the end, I was able to resort to a credit card to cover many of my debts (which has, ironically, in itself put in a state of debt). This year… I wasn’t able to pay my rent and was almost evicted; I lost (and luckily was found again by) one of the best female friends I’ve ever known in my lifetime because I harbored an attraction to her; I came perilously close to academic dismissal; I had more trouble than needed managing my finances; I got involved with a student organization moreso for redemption of what I didn’t do last year, than for what I could inspire to do things this year. Even at the close of 08, I remain stuck in a position whereby I have no clue how I’m going to pay my rent for January, much less my tail-end rent for December. It seemed like this year, things kept piling on and piling on. My support system was non-existent: many of my friends had graduated back in May or were focusing on graduating in December, some of them stuck in the transition to graduate school or the workforce; my family back in Houston, could only help so much outside of giving me rides to Austin or picking me up from the Houston Greyhound terminal when I came home.
So what was learned? I can honestly say I have many regrets, but I don’t think I would take them back. I took a chance on a young lady that wasn’t my usual type (that is, she seemed a “party type”) only to end up feeling betrayed by her (a betrayal that prob wouldn’t have been as bad if I hadn’t caught feelings). I have an executive board with a student organization where I’m the only male, and I constantly feel attacked; I can’t apply ‘old school’ rules to work with them because they often shut my ideas down, and I almost got to a point where I felt like resigning. I couldn’t focus academically because I was trying to hold down a very stressful job that it was often a chore finding a way to get to on time. The reality is, in spite of (or even as a result of) everything, I’ve grown. I can’t say for sure right now into WHAT exactly I’ve grown into. But I’ve certainly changed. Perhaps the most important lesson I learned in 2008, though, was that it’s okay to be fallible. I like to think I thrive on control. The single thing that always kept me going, as I said before, was feeling like I at least had control of a situation. I could be cocky when writing stories or proofing my friends’ personal statements for graduate school because I felt in control of my ability to put together words and form meaningful statements. It’s so easy to say that one is ‘in control of the situation’; it becomes harder when you keep grasping for evidence to prove you’re in control and you keep grabbing fistfuls of evidence that says the contrary. It’s easier to lie to yourself than admit a truth… sometimes the lie keeps you going where the truth might kill all motivation.
But that is exactly the point. That’s the lesson: sometimes motivation isn’t what you need. Sometimes you need to be on the edge, backed into a corner with nowhere to go and no outs to be seen, to feel like you have a fighting chance. Sometimes you just have to give up. And I don’t mean quit on your dreams or aspirations or desires. No, I mean sometimes you have to give up your situations to your Creator. That’s hard. That’s scary. That goes back to my earlier love post, because you have to trust in something you haven’t seen; you know the Creator comes through, the Creator has never let you down in the past, but it’s just that feeling… like you can’t do it yourself, that’s deflating. But if anyone knows how to get you out of a given situation, it’s the One who put you there in the first place.
I admittedly find it funny that the people I look up to/admire/envy often have more in common with me than I’d have ever thought. As I was reading the blog of a person I consider my younger yet wiser brother, he vowed as his New Year’s Resolution to become happier with himself. I prided myself on giving my all to other people over the course of the last sixteen years… but maybe it’s time for a change. To be continued…
