The Purposeful Vacation

This weekend, I made plans to head back to Austin for graduations; more specifically, the graduation of two female friends of mine whom I've known since freshman year at UT, and for one of my mentees.

It almost didn't happen. I initially was supposed to be down here Friday afternoon, since the mentee's graduation was first thing Saturday morning. I had my entire day planned out the night before: pick up my paycheck, get a haircut, then come back, grab my already packed bags, and head to the ATX.

It almost didn't happen. The last bus out to Austin would leave at 5:30 Friday evening. I had completed all my errands by 4:15-ish and simply needed to buy phone time before heading back home. I get a text message from my mother around this time asking where I am. She says she could give me a ride if I need one. I am of course very happy to oblige. She comes to pick me up, and then, on the way back home, says, "I don't think the weather's safe to travel." My baby sister's riding in the front seat with her; she, as well, turns to me and says, "[My nickname], what happens if the bus crashes? You should just stay here." We get home. I don't realize fully until it's 5:20 that my mother's serious about not bringing me to the bus station. I'm frustrated and angry. I'm so defeated that I almost don't even want to go anymore.

It almost didn't happen. I resolved to do what I've become accustomed to doing, and simply "handle my business myself." I made plans to catch the first bus Saturday morning to Austin at 7:30 AM. Initially, I intended to stay up all night to ensure I wouldn't miss the bus that would take me to the bus station. But... of course, I fell asleep. I woke up fully at about 11 AM, by which time, two buses to Austin were already gone, and a third would be heading out at exactly 11:30 AM. I did what I could to roll with the punches, get myself cleaned up and together, and repack my bags so I could make the 3:30 bus into the city. I'm not fully ready until about 2:15 (because, yes, I dilly-dallyed on facebook and twitter a little bit); but it just so happens that my stepfather gets home around this time. He offers to give me a ride to the bus stop I must take to the station. I get there just in time... reach the station just in time to catch the bus... and at 7 PM sharp, I'm in the city of Austin again.

It's a much needed vacation that almost didn't happen. I'll be here until Monday morning, at which point I have to head back to Houston to report for work. Hopefully, I'll get to make the Sunday graduations, catch up with my mentee, and maybe even handle certain business with a lady friend (along the lines of a confessional? hmm...). Along the way, I hope to see some familiar faces, UT students and such. Not too many, though. I admittedly fear that I'll run into some people who I really DO want to see, but whom I know if I see them, I'll feel horrible because I don't whether or not I'll be back in the Spring. This whole semester has taught me not to take things for granted or make assumptions. It's great to be back in Austin, but also bittersweet. It feels like a tease, but God willing, it's not. God willing, it's just a preview of what's to come in 2010.

A possible part two updating you all on what happened while I was in Austin, coming soon...

The Bradford Fail(?)(!)(?!)(.)(...)

"To try and to fail/the two things I hate..." - Jay-Z, "IZZO (H.O.V.A.)"

So, recent events have inspired me to blog a little bit about something that has actually been on my mind, but that I've never really "gone in on" until now. By now, those of you who've read faithfully should know that I consider(ed) myself a "student leader". This was a consideration that I developed and that was furthered by the support and praise my friends and fellow student leaders often lavished upon me. Indirectly, this image of myself as a student leader, as a leader period, honestly, allowed me to develop a sense of "infallibility". What do I mean by that? Unconsciously, my image at college, really my image amongst all of my peers, meant an absolute lot to me. I tried as best as I could to carry myself with integrity, dependability, and as "clean" an image as possible (unless I was out and about at the club, in which case I got a little bit crunk. Just a little bit). I've come to understand now that this made me a little bit cocky about who I am. I actually felt untouchable, at least on the student leadership tip.

Last year, 2008, was really the first real time I started feeling the real me overtake the image I had built up. As President of one of my student organizations, I often criticized myself and, as well, dealt with criticism from others (some of the hardest of which came from my own executive board in the organization). I was late to some meetings. I showed up late to our annual banquet with our sister organization. I made promises that I tried to follow up on, but ultimately, did not. I finished out that year with mixed feelings about my "sense of leadership." In many senses, as President who had fallen short, as a man of integrity and honor who stumbled many times, as a student whose academic priorities had taken a backseat to my organizational involvement. In many ways... I failed. In many ways, I wonder if it showed. In 2009, I met with still more failure. Academic probationary status, something I had NEVER even approached in my pre-college years. Failure to save money to effectively pay back friends for their crucial help throughout the spring semester. Failure to honor my image as a student leader because I was... well, no longer a student.

Rejection, I could deal with. It has happened to me so often (LOL), that whenever I got rejected, it was just another "L" that I could expect. Even when I got my rejection letter just last week from the publishing company I submitted fade2Black to (oh, I didn't tell y'all? I submitted that fade2Black story to a publisher. More on that in a future post). Failure, however.. failure was not only "not an option"; it was something that was BENEATH me. The great Bradford J. Howard, fail?! Fall short? In what world?! Maybe that's what's meant by "pride comes before a fall"...

So when I failed, when the failures began to accumulate with no end in sight, I fell apart. But, in typical Bradford fashion, I did everything in my power to make sure that those I cared about didn't have to bear the burden of catching the pieces of me. It wasn't for them to know. I told my "circle in Austin," though. Their reactions didn't surprise me: disappointment, frustration, "Bradford, damn it!" This is what happens when you admit a true failure to your friends: their image and perception of you changes. Maybe they don't hold you in a lesser regard, but something changes. Everyone else, though, I did what I could to keep as far out of the loop as possible. Because image is everything, right? Or at least it was to me.

Being home this fall has certainly humbled me. Working back at Kroger, for more hours and more pay than I did the previous summers I'd worked there, was unfulfilling. The whole "image is everything" concept? Out of the window. I don't get my hair cut half as consistently, my facial hair is definitely on that Kimbo (Slice), and I'm relying on Axe (Axe!) body spray because cologne just isn't affordable right now. I take the bus to work every day. At best, I got decent tips and a semi-crush (okay, not a crush, maybe an "at a distance" infatuation... that I'm not going to pursue. Why? Because she has a kid and my perception is she likes bad boys. Say what you will about "Bradford, you're shooting yourself down." That's my story and I'm sticking to it lol). Mostly, my checks go towards helping my sister pay for her senior year things since my mother and her stepdad refuse to. But perhaps, I'll be given a second chance in 2010. To... if not make up for, than rise above from my failures. I was a very broken man in June 2009, when I first came home. In many ways, I'm still rebuilding myself from the ground up. Slowly gaining my confidence back. Gradually remembering what it means to not take things for granted. Daily reminding myself... that even though it all hurt like hell, even though it's far from over by any means... failing didn't kill me, so it HAS to have me some kind of stronger. And maybe, just maybe... failing didn't make me an overall failure myself.

To try and to fail. The two things I hate. To DO and to succeed. The two things I hope to come to live and love.

Thanks for listening.

Technical Difficulties

Written solely to serve as motivation/inspiration... hopefully, it's just what your doctor ordered for you! Happy reading...

---
It’s been rough lately, hasn’t it? I can relate.
You’ve seen better seasons; you’re in terrible shape.
I know you, though. I know you’re built for greatness.
Of all people, surely you, can pull through; you can take this.
I’m a man of my word, and I promise after this message,
You’ll be back to your regularly programmed state
It’s just Technical Difficulties distracting you,
Making you forget that you’re great

Let me guess

You know you hustle harder than most,
But it seems you fade into the background
Passed over for promotion
By the lazy, the most known, even the class clown
You put a smile on in public,
But your heart’s bearing a frown
Being decent seems to prompt your descent
Away from your desired crown

I bet that

Maybe you’ve been throwing punches
That never seem to hit
Your next life step’s a puzzle
And you don’t know where the pieces fit
And you’re tired and you’re weary,
You’re thinking, “Damn, it might be time to quit”
The stuff that should matter most
Keeps getting misplaced amongst meaningless shi…

Or perhaps

Your latest setback was supposed to
“set up” up a comeback, but it had no ETA
You have grad school aspirations,
But don’t have the strongest GPA
The fiercest storm you’ve ever faced is brewing
And you feel the winds making you sway
You’re trying to get to higher ground
But things seem to hold you down and force you to stay

When folks look at you, when they cast their eyes up-on
Your very presence, do you ever hope they'll ask “What’s going on?”
You wear it well, don’t you? Hell, you’ve got to
Because who knows what others would do
If they knew
What you were going through
But I promise you, I definitely sympathize
I’m pressing on right next to you, bearing the same hungry eyes
So to those whose regular focus has been sidetracked,
These are just Technical Difficulties, I promise you’ll be right back

I feel you

I, too, am trying to make major moves
But keep feeling like people are cramping up My Space
So my thoughts are all aTwitter
Where even my family doesn’t seem to relate
And time is of the essence,
But I seem to be moving at just a snail’s pace
My Face looks up, but the Book of life
Seems to read to me, “Know your place”

I understand when you say

You’ve got more than enough haters,
But can never seem to find Love
It’s gotten so you sometimes feel abandoned
By even the Powers Above
And you give your all, but nothing you do
Ever seems to be enough
You’ve tried to be nice, but the people around you
Have made even your smoother edges rough

Need a Commercial Break? You’ve earned it, so take it
Feeling like you’ve reached the end of it?
You haven’t
I assure you, you’ll make it
Chasing ghosts and older siblings’ shadows?
Don’t let it phase you, just shake it
You’ve got the spirit of a warrior
Don’t ever let anyone break it

I see you struggling and believe me,
I promise you’re not alone
You’re not the only one feeling like you’re out of gas
When the goal is not that much farther up the road
But stick to it, don’t let what’s Technically Difficult
Allow your many rights to be overlooked amongst your wrongs
You’ve come so far; so don’t go out, GO HARD
It’s the Season Finale, and you, young one, were built to finish strong!
- Bradford J. Howard

11.05.09 (AKA The Complement) - A Poem...

I’m looking for someone, perhaps you can help me find her
I’m looking for someone who stands out, who won’t serve as a reminder
Of the painful past experiences, of the disappointing instances,
For someone who is unique in even her most “everyday” of appearances
If you think you fit the profile then, you are encouraged to apply
But understand that my demands, only The Complement can supply

I’m looking for a lady, not a damsel in distress
I’m looking for someone who understands that I just might be a mess
Or, perhaps a better way to put it is, I’m a work in progress
But ideally, she’ll understand that I use every day to get better
She’ll understand that we’re a team that has to grow together
She’ll understand that I’m complex, yet won’t hold that against me,
Because I’ll understand she’s just as human, and perhaps it’s our destiny
To set a tone that she and I must do together, that can’t be set while we’re alone
When I’ve conquered the World or something like it, I want The Complement next to me
On her throne

Don’t misunderstand my intentions: indeed, I have big and very bold aspirations
And as such, I ask that “someone” to have some kind of formal education
Not so she can stand idly by as I “do my thing,”
But so we can take down every challenge and wall, brick by brick, as a team
I’m looking for someone who’s a “playmaker,” who rises to the occasion
Who may be scared of what the future may hold, but is unshaken by that sensation
I’m looking for someone who can read the defense well and confidently catch my passes
And it couldn’t hurt at all, if This Complement just so happens to wear glasses
(Because those are sexy on a woman…)

I’m looking for someone who knows how to wear a dress,
To carry herself professionally, yet doesn’t mind kicking it in sweats
When it’s a lazy Saturday afternoon and the college football games are playing
(and here a UT Alum would be preferred. I’m not saying, I’m just saying…)
I’m looking for someone who’s seeking out strongly spiritual fruit
And she doesn’t have to have it “all in her basket”; shoot, I’d rather be right there picking it with you
We can grow closer to that Higher Power and in turn, better serve one another
As much as partners, friends, students, as we do as fighters and lovers
And as passionate as I expect she’ll be, I’m sure the arguments (like the sex) will rival thunderstorms
Booming crashes throughout the night (or day) that leave the air around us charged and warm
But our disagreeances won’t cause great grievances; no, we’ll endure them and move on
Because The Complement and I will just debate… and sometimes, I’ll let her think she’s won
(When really I’ve conceded… or JUST this once, I’ll admit it, I’ve actually been beaten)

I’m looking for someone that, perhaps, you can help me find
And if you think you fit the bill, you’re more than welcome to apply
She has dark eyes and a smile whose dimples are immaculately placed
So that seeing her happy is the best thing ever, because her grin lights up her face
And she’s strong, physically and mentally, because past battles have made her so
She’s seen dark times in her life, but survived through each, so she has an afterglow
She is meticulous, and curious, outspoken but very introspective
She has learned through her experiences to keep her Company quite selective
She is intelligent yet grounded, she loves who she is in every definition
And while at times she’s insecure about herself, The Complement maintains a fierce intuition

I’m looking for a “star player,” someone willing to step into the spotlight
Yet she shouldn’t be condescending or judge others by their faults and plights
Indeed, I seek out someone understanding of varying points of view
No, she may not agree with them; but respect them, she absolutely must do
I’m looking for someone, as Morrison once wrote, who will be a “friend of my mind”
Who will “gather the pieces of me” when I might be broken, and set them back in line
And remind me when I’m misguidedly outspoken, that certain battles just aren’t mine
She should know Lenny Williams, the Isley Brothers, and all things Sade, Maxwell, and Badu
Certainly it’s not a requirement, but at least be familiar with Love Jones and “In a Sentimental Mood”
(Though if you aren’t, don’t worry, I’ll absolutely educate you…)

I’ve listed all my wants, and hence it’s only fair to tell what I intend to reciprocate
For the someone who just might be my Complementary mate
Historically speaking, I’ve often fallen short, often made costly mistakes
I’ll do what I can to avoid such bad choices with her, unless it’s already written by fate
And though some call me a leader, I admit I’m a bundle of contradictions:
I’m well spoken in public engagements, but intimately, I stumble in my diction
I write eloquently, intelligently, perhaps a bit too much,
And admittedly, I’m awkward when it comes to the simplest kind of touch
There may be more, as well, that I’ll reserve for when it’s just me and her
I won’t say that it’s all bad, but certainly, I’m afraid some might think the worst
But I expect My Complement will take me as I am, with neither judgment nor pity
And serve, to my past and possibly future, as a very present remedy

I’m looking for someone, perhaps you know where she might be
All interested parties are encouraged to submit an inquiry
I’m looking for The Complement to the things I aspire to do,
And when we’re at our strongest, nothing could ever stop me and you
But if we’re at our weakest, we’ll know each is right there for the other to cling to
I personally promise not to let my busy-ness interfere with our business
You must understand we’re a franchise, a partnership, and I'm in it to win this
So I need you in my corner as more than just my cheerleader or my witness
I promise to respect your feelings, honor your body, and caress your soul
For the duration that we’re in it, whether that’s two months or until we grow old
I promise to be the ear and the shoulder whether you need to cry or vent
I promise all this and more... IF you are The Complement

- Bradford J. Howard

Just Venting (Again)

"What happens to a dream deferred?...

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?

... Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?"

- from Harlem, by Langston Hughes

I just wanted to vent here for a minute because this has been "on my mind" since I read about it this morning. Surprisingly, this time I'm NOT venting about a female. Bout time, right? lol

But seriously... today I learned that the current editor and CEO of Ebony Magazine, Linda Johnson-Rice, is basically "shopping around" the magazine to any interested buyers to continue its publication. Ebony may very well be reaching its "swan song."

This, to me, was very discouraging. As you may know if you've been following along or if you know me, I'm a writer first and foremost. Consequently, I had always aspired to attain, when it came to my writing, these things:

I. A Pulitzer Prize
II. A Nobel Prize for Literature
III. A Book Critics Circle Award (or two)
IV. Recognition on the Essence Book Club list
V. Recognition as a "New York Times Best-Selling Author"
VI. Last but not at all least, spotlight or mentioning in the "Books" section of a major Black publication like Ebony, Essence, or even Vibe (which was a music/hip-hop culture magazine, so I don't know how that would have been possible, but "I had a dream," damn it! lol)

That last thing on the list seems to be a lot less of a reality these days. Vibe Magazine is no longer printed, as the magazine caved in earlier this year. KING Magazine, a former magazine geared towards a primarily Black male audience, also ended its reign; ironically, KING magazine shut down one issue AFTER printing its "5th anniversary issue," where it promised that KING Magazine would be something to "look forward to in the next five years." But back on topic...

It's discouraging. I definitely feel like my dream's "exploding," that I'm now basically racing to make it into Essence in terms of a spotlight, because Essence looks like it'll be the only Black publication left with a "strong brand," the only one left to literally carry on the "essence" of the Black press. Not to say that I don't want recognition elsewhere, but there's just something more meaningful, to me, about being recognized by your own people. Or maybe I'm just selfish.

All I know is, the clock's ticking and possibly running out on one of my aspirations. And that definitely scares me.

Weakness Leaving the Body...?

"We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are."

- Max Depree

So... in my last installment, as I closed out "Before the Dawn," I told you all that sometimes that our hard times actually define us as opposed to take something away from us. In a sense, this post is a continuation of that, and hopefully it'll offer you some motivation...

I actually 'stole' ("borrowed" if you follow intellectual property laws) the above quote from the bottom of a good friend of mine's email (not like you'll ever read this, lol, but thanks, W!). I was browsing through my good ol', but oh so frustratingly multifunctional Gmail account trying to find some old information, when I came across her [business-related] email and this quote following her email signature. And I thought it for a good minute or so. "We cannot become who we need to be by remaining who we are." The quote says a lot in one sentence.

First, Depree's quote suggests that sometimes the challenges or changes we face cannot be addressed by "being the same person." I'll expound on that. The easiest example to give you is through weightlifting: You won't be able to bench press 200 pounds, for example, if you keep solely working out with the 40 and 50 pound dumbbells. One person who I consider a huge mentor of mine, Jonathan Sprinkles, likes to say, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." Doing the same thing, being the same person, over time becomes very routine and even very mundane. You simply can't aspire to bigger or better if you don't change your routine up.

Secondly, Depree's quote suggests that challenges or changes we face WILL change us. We don't have a say in the matter; it just happens. Sometimes we'll be confronted with the tragedy of losing a loved one or failing at something we attempted to do. In the process of dealing with this tragedy or failure, we all adapt differently; some people close themselves in, others take out their anger and frustration with the situation on things (or, regrettably, on the people around them). In every instance, though, when our circumstances change, we change, too. I notice that I, myself, when I'm going through a particularly rough patch in my life, I get down on myself to a ridiculous level. Sometimes not even faking a smile is enough lol. So I try to distance myself from friends and/or family when I'm in this "mood" because I don't want to "infect" them with it, if that makes sense. I say all this say, when we're confronted with something new, with something that threatens to take something away from us, that confrontation causes us all to undergo some type of personality shift. Which leads me into the third and final point (this sounds too damn much a school paper, but it SHOULD make sense...)

Finally, Depree's quote tells us that an adaptation or change of self is necessary to address these challenges. This point sounds a bit like the previous one, but there is a distinct difference between the two: choice. Whereas in the second point, you're told that you WILL change in the face of adversity, this third point tells you that YOU have to decide whether you want to make a change that will help you put down your challenges. That's both empowering and scary. Empowering because in any situation, being given a choice makes you feel like you can actually do something or react to your situation. You do better when you're provided with choices to solve a problem as opposed to when you "only have one way out," so to speak. However, this is also scary because you don't want to make the wrong choice; in fact, you're not entirely sure if you could handle the CONSEQUENCES that could come with making the wrong choice.

In a sense, there are no "wrong" choices. There's only action or inaction, basically a real life equivalent of a "red pill" and "blue pill" (as in the movie, The Matrix). But only through action can you actually BREAK THROUGH a given a challenge or barrier. Until you choose to act, you don't get to pass "Go" and collect your $200; you'll just be standing there, waiting for something or someone else to act on your behalf. Action, therefore, is the IDEAL (not necessarily the "right") choice. When you're literally writing a paper at the last minute (it's 3 AM and the paper's due at 7 AM), the choice to act encourages you to type faster, get on your research grind harder than usual. When you're in a literal fight with a bully or someone who's just pressed you too far, you set aside your fear of the person and replace it with the courage to fight back. When you feel your world crashing down around you, when it seems like nothing is going your way, you alone decide whether you will stand there and watch things fall apart... or whether you will catch the pieces as they fall and strive to rebuild your world brick by brick. Sometimes the simplest action you can take, if you believe in that, is to simply pray on your circumstances, to talk to your Creator about what you're going through. The change will not always be easy; in fact, sometimes it might be quite painful. But if you choose to act, you say goodbye to "weakness" and play skillfully with the hand you've been dealt, as opposed to spend forever wishing for better cards. And you'll have to change the timid, lazy, reactive person you used to be... with a quick-thinking, stronger, proactive person in order to change your situation. You go through to grow through and, consequently, grow past.

What choice will you make? Will you remain who you've always been... or will you step up to see what more you may be capable of?

Before the Dawn...

"The night is darkest just before the Dawn..."

Struggle is a part of life. That's something we're constantly (and some of us, DAILY) reminded about. Even though we know hard times are coming because we've already gone through hard times before, we've never quite prepared for the hard times' eventual return. Sometimes, too much comes at you too soon. Imagine being pushed back and pushed back by your circumstances that you've been pushed into a corner. There's no room to breathe, no real room to move... the only way out is in front of you, but you've got all these obstacles and challenges standing in your way. It's not even that you're scared. You're just tired. You're tired of fighting back and feeling like nothing's changed, like nothing's ever going to change. You know that self-defeat will ruin you from jump, but when your world seems to be crashing down around you and nothing seems to be going your way... you begin to ask yourself, "Is it even still possible? Can I get out this time? WILL I get out this time?"

"I'm supposed to be the soldier, who never blows his composure/ even though, I hold, the weight of the whole world on my shoulders/ I ain't supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it... I'd never drag (my crew) in battles, that I can handle, unless I absolutely have to/ I'm supposed to set an example/ I need to be the leader/ My crew looks for me to guide 'em/ If some sh*t ever just pop off, I'm supposed to be beside 'em..." - "Like Toy Soldiers," Eminem

It's funny. I'm used to being "the go-to guy." Which is not to be confused with that guy with the connects and the clout or what have you lol. I mean, "the go-to guy": the one people come to when they need advice, guidance, reassurance, a step in the right direction. The above song by rapper Eminem is actually an ode/cautionary tale to "beefs" in the rap game... but the part I've quoted, I consider very relative to my unrelated-to-music life. Literally, that was the title I believed I held. I was there for people, I was the person who held his own. And above everything else, I NEVER showed or told anyone when I was going through something... "unless I absolutely had to." While perhaps I took it an extreme, I'd like to think we all have moments like that or hold such a position in the eyes of others. Each of us is held in high regard somewhere, or believe we have some kind of pull/status/standing in certain circles where, we don't want to get caught "on our knees." We take pride in the invincibility our "friends" and FRIENDS give us because, even if it doesn't really exist, that perceived invincibility brings with it a perceived strength that will keep us going. The dilemma that comes about because of this, though, is that we're not always comfortable sharing our struggles with others... and so indirectly, you become "the go-to person" that doesn't have anyone to go to themselves.

"The night is always darkest before the Dawn. And I promise you... the Dawn is coming." - Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight

When life gets hard... you tend to forget that you CAN go harder. And you should. As much as the hard times wear down on us, as much as our struggles take up so much of our energy and thoughts... the reality is, they define us. You never know who you are, where you're destined to go, what you're capable of, until you're forced into that corner and it seems like everything's against you. There's no one left to count on but you and God; one of you is only human, the other is powerful beyond measure. With those kinds of odds, you can't count yourself out. You can't let your circumstances keep you from the victory, because of the truth of the matter is, just when you're starting to doubt that you'll pull through, right when things are at their "darkest"... it's right then and there that you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don't get too comfortable in that corner; I can't tell you when, but I promise you, your Dawn IS coming. And when it does, the comeback you make will be one of EPIC proportions.

I won't just see you at the top. I'll be climbing right there with you. Until next time...

The Return...

At long last... I've returned. It's good to be back in my own spot... the place, really, that I can come to and vent, without judgment, without evil/curious/knowing/glowering/anxious stares. I'm not talking about my apartment, of course. I'm talking about here, on my blog.

It's been a long summer for me, perhaps the longest one I've had in my entire life. I spent the summer back home and without a summer job; well, that is, if you don't count babysitting my younger sisters as a full-time job (and since I didn't get paid for it, we won't lol). The summer was a burden because I wasn't used to being home for so long. Home, for the first time ever, was bittersweet: I was glad to be amongst family, but surprised that the littlest of things irked me. Dishes stacked up near the sink. My music CDs strewn across the floor in one of my sisters' rooms. Having to miss Black in America because SOMEONE just had to watch her Wizards of Waverly Place. Yeah... that stuff built up. It makes you miss having your own space. Don't get me wrong, they have me in the back room (which doubles as a storage room), but it's still technically not my space.

I say all this to say... I've come back here to claim my space, my sanctuary. And the same way I'm rebuilding this site, with new stories, new vents, new emotions... I'll be rebuilding myself. Sometimes you have to do that. Return to foundations, go back to the place where you can just be yourself... and start from scratch. In the past, I've written bright things and sad things. Of course there'll be more of the same, but I'll try to offset it. Life isn't always easy, but it's always dealable... and there are always bright spots in the storms... If you've been here before, welcome back. If you haven't, backtrack, read who I was... and follow me as we discover who I'm becoming.

Still Not There...

A lot of my good friends have been posting some pretty good, pretty inspirational messages on their blogs recently, and it's somewhat gotten the writing juices flowing. That said, expect me to post soon... I definitely haven't left you all hanging, I'm just on the edge of the precipice staring out and wondering if I'm in the right place... and where I'm being called to next...

Swinging...

So I haven't posted in a minute, and I do firmly intend to... but not... just... yet lol.

Seriously, I'm trying to make a move or three that might change my life or at least put me back in the position I should have never left. I'll update y'all soon. For now, just pray for me. Everything will happen in accordance with the Creator's will...

Uncertainty/Good Place??

For the first time in a long time, I'm uncertain... and it's somewhat of a good thing.

I've been writing. A lot more than usual. Working on something that may one day have the potential to 'shake up the world' like Ali did. I spent basically fall 2008 and spring 2009 working on a short story called "fade2Black." At least, it was intended to be a short story. Then it grew... and it became an online soap opera of a sort. It went 22 episodes deep, and apparently it garnered a huge following. I was shocked because really, it was the first time when I was confident in my own work. Don't get me wrong: I know I'm a good writer. I know I'm a decent editor (of personal statements, papers, the like). But there is something about affirmation from others that I take a lot from. Perhaps I rely on it too much. In any case, fade2Black had such a huge following. It got deep. I could name off the top of the dome maybe 20 people who followed faithfully... and I found out AFTER the fact that there were a bunch of people reading along who followed but didn't leave comments (hit-and-runners. damn 'em! lol).

So I'm trying it again with a new story and a somewhat new concept. With any luck, this new story might allow for publication. We'll see... we shalt see.

December or May '10 graduation is staring me in the face. I have no time or patience or room for games or errors anymore. I really need to hustle... who knew I'd be the person on the 5.5 year plan? Certainly not me... but God has a reason for everything...

Lastly... I'm trying to come to terms with the chicks in my life. Specifically, there is one in particular who I'm attempting to talk to now. It's still pretty simple. I liked her before, but I like her a bit more now because I'm starting to feel like we connect. But she def just broke it off with her boyfriend, and if I learned nothing else from last time with the Nigerian Unicorn... yeah. We'll see. But I am admittedly becoming smitten with new chick, if for no other reason than that she actually can go toe-to-toe with my sarcasm... not jumping, not jinxing, not building houses. We'll see.

Note: I need to pray more. I think if I did that, the uncertainty wouldn't be so much of an issue. So working on that, too. But I'm in a good place. Not a GREAT place. Not necessarily a HAPPY place... but a good place. For a change.

The Closure Post...

Something I wrote last week to make personal peace with my old demons with regards to crushes I've had that can't/won't die. Semi-torn about it, but I kind of do want to send each piece to the young lady it was written for.

If you read it, lemme know what you think. Shouts to LadyLove for semi-inspiring this in her "Let Go" post!
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One

Used to be, when you and me

Got together and hung out, the time we spent was more than magic

And then I felt the urge to make Confessions

And that in turn, made us fall apart in such a way that was more than tragic

It was my fault, poor judgment call

And it almost cost me one of my better friends of them all

How could I expect you to understand? You had just parted ways out of something serious

And I knew about the parting, just didn’t know the timing, and it left me delirious

What you’re seeing right now, is how could I be so insensitive?

What you didn’t know – it doesn’t matter now – but I felt what I had to say was time-sensitive

Just like my last line didn’t technically rhyme because I used the same word

My thought process gets thrown off when I think about you, girl

I should say woman, because you’ve matured and certainly grown

You’re the type of sister whom I know will survive and thrive on her own

I hate that I let my insecurities hold me back and shut me down

I was dealing with fear of a culture clash and I kept my past around

I can’t apologize for feeling how I feel about you

I feel it’s justified because I’ve always felt this way about you

Real talk: it’s a regret and wonder if I had said something beforehand

But the time has come and gone – I’m still accepting that

So if it means that you and me’s longevity will only be if we stay friends,

Then quietly I’ll hope you’ll come around, but publicly, I’ll masquerade til the very end

Because you are absolutely worth every minute of the suffering (lol)

Damn, if only I had worn a colored lettered jacket and perhaps had been Nigerian,

Or an either/or, would you have seen me as more?

Two

Dear person I knew from when it all began,

Do you think I’ve grown much from the boy I was back then?

In the back of my mind, I’m sure I’ll always revisit the thought

Of you and me becoming one. I’m sure it’ll never be forgot

Honestly, I figured out later than sooner that I crushed easily

And so it may have seemed I moved on from you breezily

Don’t get it twisted, though: there was a reason I was always there

I promise all I wrote and said to you was sincere, because I did care

The contemplation was often, why did we never hook up?

I saw your intense stare whenever I dared look up

And you were, honestly, the first person in mind

Every campus king needs a queen, and in the beginning you were mine

You shared my passion for writing, my belief in uplifting community

I felt like vibing off of you, often brought out the very best in me

The issue was when I wanted you most, something was always in the way

First my best friend wanted you, and loyalty got in my way

Then you got wifed up (twice!) and out of respect, I withheld what I wished to say

The one time I did, you thought that I was settling

I hate that you got that impression, I’m sure my track record didn’t help it

But you are NOT the type of woman I would just settle on

There’s a fire within me, that only you are allowed to put your kettle on

And there’s a smile I have that is reserved just for you

But to maintain the friendship we have now, you can never know the truth

I may put it in a letter to you one day, but you may say

“Jay, this is too late”

For the record, I just want it to be known

I believe in you, always have, and know your definitive work is on the way and will be renowned

Three

Three, most recent person to captivate my thoughts

You’re the only one I’ve never met in person, yet you keep me just as distraught

I fell for you because you’re so slick with your word choice

And because I like hearing the sound of your voice

You’re like the first female I ever actually called on consistently

And I wish I knew to some degree, that you enjoyed talking to me

I appreciated your comebacks, it’s like they complimented everything I had to say

You GOT me, and weren’t turned off (it seemed) by my goofy way

But two things kept me from saying how I felt about you:

First, you were two years my junior and I had intentions to graduate before you; and two,

You’re a state and hours away and I have no way of reaching you

And this time right now is just really damn frustrating

Because I really appreciate talking, chatting, and texting with you, because you’re so damn engaging

I just have a lot going on that I’m unsure I want to expose you to

You deserve better than everything that I’m currently going through

And even more so, you never tend to stay single for long

So I can’t even tell when’s the most appropriate time to catch you alone

I guess what I’m saying here is I like you and wish I could take a chance on you

But I wish I knew whether you were willing to take a chance on me, too

Damn, if only you were in Austin and I were in a better spot personally

I wonder if the opportunity would exist for a better possibility…

Screwed/Foiled...

For the umpteenth time in my 'adult life' and college career, someone else has beaten me to the punch and claimed what I felt I was entitled to or deserved a shot at. I wonder if this warrants an EffML...

elaboration later. For now, just wanted to vent and get that off my chest.

Epiphany???

This past week was Spring Break. While I welcomed the Break with open arms, especially given the very rough times and hard grind I've been on since the semester started, it was not as enjoyable as it could have been. But on Saturday, my last day in Houston until Easter Break, I got an epiphany of sorts.

The first was Saturday morning. I had to attend a funeral for the first mentor and the first real male role model (that I wasn't related to) I ever had, my 10th grade World History teacher, Major W. Stevenson. Part of the reason I had tried to get home so early last week (I wanted to leave Friday, but had to work Saturday) was so I could visit him, as I had heard he was at home battling and recovering from cancer. I found he passed out on the Sunday morning of Spring Break. It was terrible timing, considering I had arrived to Houston on Sunday afternoon. Thoughts bombarded my head. Guilt weighed over me. He had given me his home number and I had called only once or thrice, but not once since junior year. He had never been able to receive or be given an invite to my college graduation. I was unsure if he knew exactly how appreciative I really was of his efforts to make sure I knew I had choices in life, to help me understand that I COULD matter and COULD be important someday.

I appreciated that the funeral had been moreso a celebration of his life, as opposed to a place of mourning. People cried. I cried, especially when his son, Major Jr., told stories about him. His wife said something that hit home for me - when she closed her remarks about her husband, she said, "Major was tired. He was so much to so many for so long. All I can say to you, baby, is 'Well done.'" That resonated with me because I think I've tried to do that - be a lot to a lot of people. But it was also just beautiful to hear his wife say that about him. It had me hoping and thinking my own wife would say similar about me...

Which leads me to Saturday night. I had been restless and had finally laid myself down to get some kind of sleep around 5 in the morning. And that night, I had a terrible dream. I dreamt that I was at my own funeral. Many people were there, a lot of friends, family, random people I remembered slightly from coming through my job (as I've always hoped would be). A lot of the young ladies I had liked in the past had also attended. And what struck me was hearing them talk about me: every young lady said the same thing, "I'm going to miss Bradford a lot. He was SO nice." And that's it. Nothing was said about my contributions, my accomplishments. When asked about me, all those women could say was, "He was SUCH a nice person." That's when I look back at the funeral procession, and it dawns on me that I've died alone. There's no ring on my left ring finger. There's no woman who looks like she was my girlfriend or wife.

That left me haunted. Leaves me haunted still now. It's a scary thought to imagine that I'll never end up in a serious relationship, or married, or have a family, before I die. I know some guys shy away from commitment, but I think at the end of it, we all want someone to settle down with and grow old with. In that dream, I had died young and had not found 'my special someone'... and all anyone could say about me was that I was "so nice." Is THIS my legacy? Is THIS prophetic, an omen to what's to come? Am I being told that if I stay the nice person I am... I will never be "boo'ed up"? Scary thought. And at 23 years old, I must admit, it's becoming more and more believable than I'd like it to be.

I don't really know what else to write here, but I just thought I'd share that. I wonder if people will be able to say I was so much to so many and did all I could in the time allotted to make other people's lives better... but I also wonder if my niceness is not only the thing I'll be remembered for, but also the thing that pushed the women (especially "that one") in my life away from me.

New Year's Evolution: Part I

“We cannot become what we need to be… by remaining who we are.”

– Max Depree

Another year gone by. And let me just say, for the record, I will not miss 2008 lol. Outside of a few memorable moments, including the election of our first African (as well as African-American and biracial) President; me stepping out of my comfort zone to actually voice my feelings rather than put them in a letter for a certain young lady; getting to see Maya Angelou speak, live and in color; and forging a few friendships that may last a few years, it was not the greatest of years for me. I spent much of the year stressed out, discouraged, feeling as though many opportunities passed me by. I was at my lowest; in a sense, I still am. The hardest part of 2008, was finding out just how much things had fallen outside of my control. That frustrated me, feeling like for the first time in a long time that there was truly nothing I could do to change any of my situations.

In the past, there was always something I could do. For example, when I was in high school and senior year came along, I had no money to get many of the things I wanted; my grandparents did what they could, my mother often tried and sometimes failed to help me acquire what I needed. In the end, I was able to resort to a credit card to cover many of my debts (which has, ironically, in itself put in a state of debt). This year… I wasn’t able to pay my rent and was almost evicted; I lost (and luckily was found again by) one of the best female friends I’ve ever known in my lifetime because I harbored an attraction to her; I came perilously close to academic dismissal; I had more trouble than needed managing my finances; I got involved with a student organization moreso for redemption of what I didn’t do last year, than for what I could inspire to do things this year. Even at the close of 08, I remain stuck in a position whereby I have no clue how I’m going to pay my rent for January, much less my tail-end rent for December. It seemed like this year, things kept piling on and piling on. My support system was non-existent: many of my friends had graduated back in May or were focusing on graduating in December, some of them stuck in the transition to graduate school or the workforce; my family back in Houston, could only help so much outside of giving me rides to Austin or picking me up from the Houston Greyhound terminal when I came home.

So what was learned? I can honestly say I have many regrets, but I don’t think I would take them back. I took a chance on a young lady that wasn’t my usual type (that is, she seemed a “party type”) only to end up feeling betrayed by her (a betrayal that prob wouldn’t have been as bad if I hadn’t caught feelings). I have an executive board with a student organization where I’m the only male, and I constantly feel attacked; I can’t apply ‘old school’ rules to work with them because they often shut my ideas down, and I almost got to a point where I felt like resigning. I couldn’t focus academically because I was trying to hold down a very stressful job that it was often a chore finding a way to get to on time. The reality is, in spite of (or even as a result of) everything, I’ve grown. I can’t say for sure right now into WHAT exactly I’ve grown into. But I’ve certainly changed. Perhaps the most important lesson I learned in 2008, though, was that it’s okay to be fallible. I like to think I thrive on control. The single thing that always kept me going, as I said before, was feeling like I at least had control of a situation. I could be cocky when writing stories or proofing my friends’ personal statements for graduate school because I felt in control of my ability to put together words and form meaningful statements. It’s so easy to say that one is ‘in control of the situation’; it becomes harder when you keep grasping for evidence to prove you’re in control and you keep grabbing fistfuls of evidence that says the contrary. It’s easier to lie to yourself than admit a truth… sometimes the lie keeps you going where the truth might kill all motivation.

But that is exactly the point. That’s the lesson: sometimes motivation isn’t what you need. Sometimes you need to be on the edge, backed into a corner with nowhere to go and no outs to be seen, to feel like you have a fighting chance. Sometimes you just have to give up. And I don’t mean quit on your dreams or aspirations or desires. No, I mean sometimes you have to give up your situations to your Creator. That’s hard. That’s scary. That goes back to my earlier love post, because you have to trust in something you haven’t seen; you know the Creator comes through, the Creator has never let you down in the past, but it’s just that feeling… like you can’t do it yourself, that’s deflating. But if anyone knows how to get you out of a given situation, it’s the One who put you there in the first place.

I admittedly find it funny that the people I look up to/admire/envy often have more in common with me than I’d have ever thought. As I was reading the blog of a person I consider my younger yet wiser brother, he vowed as his New Year’s Resolution to become happier with himself. I prided myself on giving my all to other people over the course of the last sixteen years… but maybe it’s time for a change. To be continued…