"I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength... even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams."- Aunt May Parker, in the film Spider-Man 2
I just got done watching Spider-Man 2 for like the one hundred and thirty-eighth time. It's one of my all-time favorite superhero movies. The above quote is told by Aunt May to the man behind the mask, her nephew Peter Parker, when she is packing up the things from her old house. **spoiler alert!** Peter has basically become disaffected from being Spider-Man because the hero life has seemed to keep him unable to do ordinary things like homework and keeping a steady job, or even honoring commitments to show up for friends. Hence, he quits being Spider-Man for a period of time. Not surprisingly, the level of crime goes up in the city in Spider-Man's absence; and at one point, Peter, unable to ignore his destiny, drops everything to run into a fire and save a little girl in a burning building. At this point, as well, Peter finds out that the young woman he's been after forever and a day, Mary Jane Watson, is engaged to marry some rich dude. So Peter poses the question, "Am I not supposed to have what I want?" And then, the next day as Peter is helping Aunt May move things around to be moved, she drops this speech on him.
I could dissect this movie left and right with all the symbolism or metaphorical references I believe it contains, but I'm going to make the above quote relevant to this post... I am at a content point with my life right now. I'm learning to be appreciative of what I have, and not so much angry at what I don't have. My bills are paid, I either have food or have money to buy food, I'm waking up every morning, I'm becoming more available for friends. I was able to make two birthday shindigs for two consecutive weeks (at one of which I went ahead and put up extra money to try Japanese sake for the first time... definitely not for those unable to hold their liquor), and actually have money to celebrate with them for a change.
I'm trying to especially "give up the thing I want the most." The Nigerian Unicorn's birthday was on Thursday. One of her friends invited me out to some gathering that was being held at the Nigerian Unicorn's apartment. Now, you all know how apprehensive I've been about trying to get my friend back and not be put in that awkward position again. So I debated, and I debated and I wracked my brain... and I decided to hit and run: stop through the gathering, drop off a gift, and then leave ten minutes later, especially since I have a prior engagement in the form of "studying" (at least, that's the story I gave). The Nigerian Unicorn is, of course, absolutely gorgeous when she comes out of her bedroom to say hello. Her hair's in a new style, she's rocking the birthday outfit... for a second, I'm mesmerized and almost forget why I'm really there (to get the full effect of what I was going through, think Kerry Washington in that sultry black dress at the end of I Think I Love My Wife).
I manage to get in a photo op, and after sticking around for a few minutes, I head on out, but not before giving her my gift. I remembered back on one of our outings, she mentioned her favorite cartoon that she used to watch and had always wanted to see the ending to; as luck would have it, I was able to secure the first two seasons (basically, the only ones that matter for that particular cartoon lol) for $20 total. So I gave her those, and she looked genuinely happy and surprised... I even think I got that "You're really leaving?!" look in her eyes as she hugged me before I left. And hell yes, I did want to stay... but I figured it was better to be safe than overstay my welcome...
It's becoming easier to cope with the idea that I might not get to "have what I want" in the sense of the Nigerian Unicorn and one or two other things here at UT. I'm not "over her" by any means, but I'm basically "accepting something I cannot change," at least by not by myself. There's too much I need to focus on right now, between getting my grades right, running this student organization effectively, preparing for the LSAT, and overall getting myself right. Not to mention, I'm getting dinner cooked for me by a good friend this weekend, and I've offered to make her dessert.
Who knows, maybe The Nigerian Unicorn might end up pulling a Mary Jane Watson on me and actually one day be interested. So, I'm in a happy place, for now. Let's call it "blessed, but STILL not satisfied"... I don't know whether or not I'm supposed to have what I want. I know for sure that there are certain aspirations I want(ed?) to fulfill at UT that I will not have a chance to. But I am very thankful I do, at least, have what God knows I need...
