Just Venting II... The Conclusion (?)

"Now I'm all confused 'cause for you I have deeper feelings/
I thought it was cool to cross the line/
and I was convinced it would be alright/
Now things are strange, nothing's the same/
and really, I just want my friend back

My mind's gone halfcrazy/ 'cause I can't leave you alone..."

- "Halfcrazy," Musiq Soulchild

About the Nigerian Unicorn... again...

For the last week, I tried to train myself to be 'colder' around her. This entailed giving her 'drive-by hellos' without my usual sentiment, giving her half-assed hugs. It was necessary for me, because it made it easier for me to suppress my feelings around her. Granted, this never made the butterflies in my stomach stop fluttering. It never stopped the warm feeling I got within when I saw her smile. But I felt if I kept this going, if only for a time... I would learn to get over it, and it would start to mean less and less.

I spent the last two days formulating two plans. The first was to write her a letter, again detailing my feelings, voicing my frustration with the way she was treating me in light of my confession, and letting her know that I had never meant for it to seem like I was taking advantage of her. I had developed a habit, in the past, of 'waiting' to tell a young lady how I felt about her. It was waiting, I always felt, that had cost me my first opportunity to pursue the Nigerian Unicorn. So when I found out she was single again, I jumped at the chance to start making efforts to see her. In retrospect, what I should have done was assessed the situation and maybe considered that she had just broken up with her boyfriend. I don't take what I say about her lightly: she is an outstanding young lady, so I'm almost certain I wasn't the only person who came asking and voicing feelings. I needed her to know that I wasn't trying to take advantage of her; but was merely trying to not make the same mistake I did in waiting before.

The second plan, was to go all out for her birthday. The idea was to ask her best friend a few personal things about things and colors that meant something to her. Then, I would get three gifts for the Nigerian Unicorn based upon the information I got, making sure they were delivered to her at various times throughout the day. But I would do all this anonymously. This way, I would be able to share my true feelings and at least clear my head... all at the expense, of course, of her not knowing who I am. I couldn't do all this and tell her it was me, because almost certainly I'd find myself in the limbo I am in with her now, where I'm being avoided and not talked to and reduced to formalities.

So I had convos, with friends, about these plans. Ironically enough, two of the people who were urging me to go after her and that me not being Nigerian wouldn't matter; have now completely flipped and say I don't have a shot at her because I'm not Nigerian. A female friend who I consulted doesn't think the second plan is too bad. But my roommate ended up giving me a strong opinion I wasn't expecting: he also agreed that I should back away and leave her alone. He thought both plans had potential to backfire, and he believed I just plain screwed up going after her so soon.

I told you all before, I was so close to telling her I would be willing to move as slow or as fast as she would want to move, especially in light of her recent breakup. And y'all have no idea how hard this sh*t is going to be. But I think my roommate's right. I care so much about her; I pray about her every night hoping that she'll eventually get her heart's desire in an acceptance to her top choice post-graduate school.

But at the same time, I'm at that point right now where I just want my friend back. I miss her laughing with me. I miss her being able to feel like she can confide in me. I miss us just being able to do lunch. I hate feeling like I will never get that back just because I wanted to learn from history and voice my feelings before it was too late. And it looks like I won't even get to redeem our friendship, unless I just let this go. I want to tell her so bad. I want to clarify things. My roommate feels it's not clarifiable, that the Nigerian Unicorn will think I'm just saying stuff.

In the movie Gone in 60 Seconds, Memphis Raines, the main character, is always pursuing this car called "Eleanor," which he often refers to as "his unicorn" because every time the car is within his grasp, something happens that causes Eleanor to slip through his fingers. It appears that the name Nigerian Unicorn is all but befitting in light of this: I always wanted her to be my girlfriend. But now it looks like I'll have to turn my back on all of that, just to be able to have a shot at keeping her as a friend. Seems like no matter what I do, I just can't win. I'm definitely a little bit broken right now lol...