"Imagining Me"

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning to work on becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen

The hardest thing about living in the world, in my opinion, is that there will always be something you desire to live up to. When we're younger, we are taught or teach ourselves to acquire role models. There are always people we "look up" to, and these people we look up to ultimately influence how we decide to plan our lives. Society buys into this desire and takes it one step further: it extends beyond admiration and idolizing, and places an image as an idealizing one. It is no longer enough to be using someone as a model by which or upon which you decide to base your own life, but you are, in fact, driven to become EXACTLY like a specific person. One can easily recall the original Michael Jordan marketing brand, which encouraged everyone to be "Like Mike." Individuals often became so obsessed or addicted to "the Jordan Brand," that they bought products with the Jumpman on the side and even sometimes became firmly convinced that there was something about those shoes or that jumpsuit that could upgrade their own game.

The truth is, however, with idolization comes a standard of perfection. The people who we use as "role models" become perfect images in our eyes of who or what we wish to become. And so when these people fall short, sometimes our dreams are crushed. Think back to the time, perhaps, when your dad couldn't fix one of your broken toys, or even when you beat him at a game of basketball or even at video games. In the latter case, you probably felt a surge of triumph because beating your pops basically equated to you officially being grown up. But at the same time, there's a loss of something. You still love your father, obviously, and he will always be special to you; but now that you've beaten him at something, your father is now your equal. You no longer hold him above you or see him as a standard.

A similar case can happen in terms of celebrities, and even in terms of 'ordinary people,' people like family, close friends, and mentors, whereby they hold an almost perfect image in your eyes until you catch them at a point of vulnerability. You catch a student leader on campus who you've always admired drunk and vomiting at a house party. A young lady you were always interested in, you see her dancing raunchily with a young man at a bar, or even hear tall tales about her 'getting around' on campus. A person who you respected as someone you could always depend and count on, you catch in the middle of a nervous breakdown at the school library. In all of these cases, your image of that person changes. Unconsciously, you create an identity for this person that is based on an image and not the person her or himself. We ultimately consciously or unconsciously crucify people just because they 'fall short' of our expectations or image of them.

This is ultimately where I find myself now. As a self-proclaimed (but community-appointed) student leader in his senior year on campus, I wonder in a sense if I've "outlived my time." Certainly, in many cases, people who have worked with me in the last two or three years have seen how I work under pressure; they've been exposed to seeing me not always show up on time for events, not always speak confidently and clearly in meetings, not always plan effectively and in a timely manner for organizational endeavors, always planning something for an organization but never quite being caught studying. I definitely feel as though my "stock" in especially the UT Black Community has fallen somewhat, and perhaps it's funny or even ridiculous that I put so much importance on this.

I'd like to believe that at one point, I too was a standard for campus leadership, for being a good man, for whatever. I cannot honestly say that I am anymore. But I'm slowly becoming... okay with that. When I say I'm becoming "okay," I don't mean that I'm settling for mediocrity in terms of student leadership or what have you. I am still a student organization Chair, and I am certainly employing my learned lessons from last year with this year's administration. I am becoming better and more disciplined at being on time and being organized and effectively planning. But I still make mistakes, I definitely still fall short of my expectations. What's changed, perhaps, is that... you could say I'm becoming okay with being myself. It's no longer about the image I carry on campus; it's a lot more about who respects me as is, without the filler, without the shirt and tie, outside of meetings and events. It's about being honest with myself about certain harsh realities (e.g., certain young ladies will only be attracted to certain particular groups of guys right now, knowing that I don't fit academic requirements to do certain things I wish to do), while also seeing these realities as potentially malleable facts. That is, I could do something to improve my situation, but I should only do it because I want to do it, not for others' sake.

I've given up on being perfect. I spent the last two decades trying to be that, and I've only really made myself always feel less than... probably because it's something I can never be. I realize that I can't be broken down... because I'm already broken, but I'm also fixable. It's up to me, however, to pick up the pieces. And now that I've accepted all this, there's a greater task at hand: becoming okay with and coming into who I am. As the Kirk Franklin song goes, it at first was definitely hard to see... but I may actually be heading "to a place of no insecurities/... and not letting people break me down... because I'm Imagining Me."

Stay tuned...

Loyalty/Respect

"Protect me from the enemy who has something to gain; and protect me from the friend who has something to lose." - T.S. Eliot

About 8 out of every 9 decisions I make in life are based on loyalty. So when we have student organization elections, I vote the person who was most loyal in my eyes: the person who was at meetings throughout the semester, the person who I saw giving effort as much behind the scenes as in the public eye. When it comes to people I associate with, I tend to 'size them up' in terms of loyalty as well. Who was there for me when it counted? Who called when I needed to be talked to or got worried? Who kept in touch and dropped lines and at least 'checked in' every once in a while?

In modern society, loyalty is undervalued and often unappreciated. We tend to see a person's appeal to others as opposed to their loyalty to people they legitimately call friends and family. And often, being ruthless and cutthroat is celebrated, much more often than being loyal. Look no further than some of our reality TV shows: on these shows, often times, the players will 'stab each other in the back' and build false friendships in the name of getting ahead. It is accepted that ours is a 'dog eat dog' world, and believed that you must eat... or be eaten. This boils down to values and value systems: what happens when someone you consider a friend stands in the way of what you're trying to accomplish? Or, what happens when you're put in a situation where your only opportunity to get ahead is to crush or replace a friend of yours in that spot? Do we place more importance on temporary positions, temporary paychecks, or lifelong friends?

Maybe I'm just being idealist. But have we really become THAT selfish as individuals? I wonder, in a sense, if we've just forgotten what it means to be dedicated. That's why people don't value or appreciate loyalty anymore, because dedication to people, to a cause, just doesn't exist or just isn't given any value in modern times. I wonder if that's because the current Black generation is so far removed from how things were back in the day. I think back to the time period of the Black Panthers, to the Civil Rights period marches, perhaps even as far back as slavery. My people, when placed in a position of desperation and a need to survive, were loyal to each other. Granted, you did have those Black overseers and those particular slaves who felt that "tattling" on certain slaves would gain them favor with their masters; and perhaps that, as well, reinforces how betrayal appears to be rewarded or encouraged. But in most cases, people worked together. There was shared trust, there was unbroken loyalty...

These days such trust and loyalty is, in my opinion, very rare. People will always let you down, people will always fall short of your expectations. You will let others down and fall short of their expectations, too. But is this justification for broken loyalty? If not, then what, if anything, is?

Just Venting II... The Conclusion (?)

"Now I'm all confused 'cause for you I have deeper feelings/
I thought it was cool to cross the line/
and I was convinced it would be alright/
Now things are strange, nothing's the same/
and really, I just want my friend back

My mind's gone halfcrazy/ 'cause I can't leave you alone..."

- "Halfcrazy," Musiq Soulchild

About the Nigerian Unicorn... again...

For the last week, I tried to train myself to be 'colder' around her. This entailed giving her 'drive-by hellos' without my usual sentiment, giving her half-assed hugs. It was necessary for me, because it made it easier for me to suppress my feelings around her. Granted, this never made the butterflies in my stomach stop fluttering. It never stopped the warm feeling I got within when I saw her smile. But I felt if I kept this going, if only for a time... I would learn to get over it, and it would start to mean less and less.

I spent the last two days formulating two plans. The first was to write her a letter, again detailing my feelings, voicing my frustration with the way she was treating me in light of my confession, and letting her know that I had never meant for it to seem like I was taking advantage of her. I had developed a habit, in the past, of 'waiting' to tell a young lady how I felt about her. It was waiting, I always felt, that had cost me my first opportunity to pursue the Nigerian Unicorn. So when I found out she was single again, I jumped at the chance to start making efforts to see her. In retrospect, what I should have done was assessed the situation and maybe considered that she had just broken up with her boyfriend. I don't take what I say about her lightly: she is an outstanding young lady, so I'm almost certain I wasn't the only person who came asking and voicing feelings. I needed her to know that I wasn't trying to take advantage of her; but was merely trying to not make the same mistake I did in waiting before.

The second plan, was to go all out for her birthday. The idea was to ask her best friend a few personal things about things and colors that meant something to her. Then, I would get three gifts for the Nigerian Unicorn based upon the information I got, making sure they were delivered to her at various times throughout the day. But I would do all this anonymously. This way, I would be able to share my true feelings and at least clear my head... all at the expense, of course, of her not knowing who I am. I couldn't do all this and tell her it was me, because almost certainly I'd find myself in the limbo I am in with her now, where I'm being avoided and not talked to and reduced to formalities.

So I had convos, with friends, about these plans. Ironically enough, two of the people who were urging me to go after her and that me not being Nigerian wouldn't matter; have now completely flipped and say I don't have a shot at her because I'm not Nigerian. A female friend who I consulted doesn't think the second plan is too bad. But my roommate ended up giving me a strong opinion I wasn't expecting: he also agreed that I should back away and leave her alone. He thought both plans had potential to backfire, and he believed I just plain screwed up going after her so soon.

I told you all before, I was so close to telling her I would be willing to move as slow or as fast as she would want to move, especially in light of her recent breakup. And y'all have no idea how hard this sh*t is going to be. But I think my roommate's right. I care so much about her; I pray about her every night hoping that she'll eventually get her heart's desire in an acceptance to her top choice post-graduate school.

But at the same time, I'm at that point right now where I just want my friend back. I miss her laughing with me. I miss her being able to feel like she can confide in me. I miss us just being able to do lunch. I hate feeling like I will never get that back just because I wanted to learn from history and voice my feelings before it was too late. And it looks like I won't even get to redeem our friendship, unless I just let this go. I want to tell her so bad. I want to clarify things. My roommate feels it's not clarifiable, that the Nigerian Unicorn will think I'm just saying stuff.

In the movie Gone in 60 Seconds, Memphis Raines, the main character, is always pursuing this car called "Eleanor," which he often refers to as "his unicorn" because every time the car is within his grasp, something happens that causes Eleanor to slip through his fingers. It appears that the name Nigerian Unicorn is all but befitting in light of this: I always wanted her to be my girlfriend. But now it looks like I'll have to turn my back on all of that, just to be able to have a shot at keeping her as a friend. Seems like no matter what I do, I just can't win. I'm definitely a little bit broken right now lol...