Just Venting...

So, about "her"... her being the Nigerian Unicorn...

I’ll tell what sucks the most. When you see her… sitting across from you, in the same room as you. You see the look in her eyes, the sparkling glint in her eyes that always manages to capture you. You hear her laugh, that same melodic laugh that wakes you up inside whenever you hear it. You see her laugh out loud, really hard, unable to prevent yourself from smiling, too, and you wonder if you ever made her laugh like that at least once in all the time that you’ve known her. You see that smile, that smile of hers that is always reassuring, always comforting, a smile that always makes you nervous, that makes you think ‘what if you were just close enough to touch her? Just once, what if you had been put in a position to do something for her, to her (in a good way, of course)? What if?’ You hear her participate in the discussions, offer very intelligent and insightful comments. You are slightly frustrated because you see the way she looks at certain other guys, the helpfully needy “What do we need to do now?” look that she gives one of the event coordinators; the assessing “So what do you have to OFFER me?” look that she gives to the freshmen and sophomore guys that try to engage her; the knowing “I SO know your experience” look that she gets in her eyes whenever she speaks to her fellow Nigerians.

It sucks because you know, at this point, that she’s not the one you’re meant to spend the next little bit of time with. It sucks because you thought she was. It sucks because, for this entire time, you’ve told yourself and have been all too willing to be content with the fact that the only reason you never got your shot with her, is because you didn’t want to enter into a losing battle. You know about the culture, you know how things are and can be. You didn’t want to put yourself in a position whereby you knew how you felt about her, but you knew she was possibly bound by her heritage to where she was biased towards men of her own culture. So, back when you were younger, you chose a friend of hers over her, because you didn’t want to enter that losing battle. In retrospect, you were immature and possibly should have just asked her outright; but the culture, the culture was the crushing blow to you.

It sucks because you realize, now more than ever, that even as you’re trying to get her out of your system, you’ll have to work with her every week. You’ll run into her on occasion, because you’ll both be doing the work you’ve been called to do, in coincidentally (or not so coincidentally) the same place. It sucks because you care about her. You really, really care about her… but based on her responses, her actions as she sat across from you at this event, the fact that, after your confession, she didn’t return a phone call or, when you sent her a text, she didn’t return that either, after you told her it was you… you’re starting to get the impression that maybe, just maybe, you never really had a shot at all. You’re starting to think that it was just in your imagination. And if you liking her, means that she has to ignore you, avoid casual conversation with you, then you have to teach yourself to keep your feelings held back. Because the reality is, she’s been amazing. She’s been absolutely amazing as a friend to you. And really, that’s why you fell in serious like with her in the first place: because you were friends first, because she seemed to at least be concerned about you. Her friendship has to come first, because she keeps you grounded. She doesn’t know it, but her subtle references, her small appreciative words and phrases… he knows she considers herself shy, and that’s why he values that even more, because at least to her, he’s good enough to cross that shyness barrier. You’ve just never been good enough to break down or stand up to the wall that is her culture, and because of this, you’re trying, Lord knows you’re trying, to accept that God doesn’t want her in your life romantically. You definitely hope this is not the case; but all signs seem to reiterate that this is EXACTLY the case.