Strength...

"I know why you're here... I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for it. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when I was found, I was told I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us... It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did."

- Trinity, in the 1999 film The Matrix


What drives you? From whence do you derive your strength? When you are down, and so close to out, what is it that makes you get back up and keep on fighting, even as it seems the odds are against you?

Over the last couple of weeks, I've had to ask myself that question. It's definitely been challenging, balancing summer school and work, while also living off-campus. Discipline takes work, and at times, I just don't think I could keep going.

But I think about my faith. Once in a student organization meeting, during a portion of the meeting during which the organization's Spiritual Development chair delivers a potent spiritual message, the chair told us, "God never gives us more than we can handle... but sometimes we give us more than we can handle." Only recently have I started to really assess the value within this statement. My life has never been more challenging. In the past, I would have used the word 'difficult,' but what I'm doing now, walking to most places, having to catch the bus an hour early on weekends to get to work on time... that's not difficult compared to what other people have to go through on a daily basis. I keep in mind, that every day I wake up is because The Creator feels there is more work that must be done, and I'm thankful for that. I just got paid yesterday, and half my check has to go towards the electric bill; such is the price of living off campus (granted, with two extra roommates in a two-bed/two-bath apartment, but we're making it do what it do... lol). But this is good practice for how it might be when I'm off in the real world, or even when I'm off at grad or law school...

Then I think about my family. Things have been harder than ever with them because I have to mainly communicate with them through email. Somehow, I've got to find a way to stack enough money to get a working backup phone line going; not a house phone, but probably like a "Pay-As You Go" phone to use for emergency situations like these when I can't really get my phone bill situation set up like I need to. I realize now that I must strive to keep in better touch with my family whenever my phone is on. I also realize that part of the reason I can't quit is because I have people counting on me. My younger sisters mean the absolute world to me. If nothing else, I miss talking to them the most. The oldest younger sister, the 16-year-old, she has an email so I can always write her; but the younger one, the one turning 9 in August, it's not so simple with her. I think what I might start doing is maybe writing her short letters or sending her cards every week so she knows I haven't forgotten about her in spite of me not being able to call. They're counting on me to succeed in college, to set the example for them to follow. I can't let them down, and I don't intend to.

Then I think about my friends. In recent weeks, I had to reassess my idea of who my friends really are. For sure, I've always known I had acquaintances; and while for sure, one of my goals over the summer's duration is to get better acquainted with some of my acquaintances on a more personal basis, one thing I definitely want to work on is building and rebuilding some of the friendships I already have. One thing I realized this year, as I watched many of my friends who I came in with (back in '04) graduate in May, was that I never really spent that much time with them. Like, they often took road trips, they often barhopped... I only tagged along every so often. And while I would love to make the case that "I couldn't hang because I didn't have a car/I don't drink like them"... I certainly should have done better at trying to be more available to hang. I've done more hanging out with people who care about me in the last month and a half than I think I did in the last two years. It's that serious. I also had to check my motivations and my loyalties. I had to realize that I was going all out for some people who were only giving me 50 or even 25 percent; I had to recognize that I was possibly doing the exact same to people who were giving me 100 percent. Not that I'm trying to beat myself up... but definitely I need to work on being a better friend. Because whenever I was going through the fire, it was my real friends, who got me through and kept me going.

Lastly, I think about my motivations. I went through so many changes this past school year; I matured, not to the point where I can say I'm a man just yet, but to the point where I can say I'm no longer a boy. There's a saying that goes, "People will commit to what they care about." I care about being involved in Black UT; I know that I need to maintain a certain integrity about myself, in the classroom as well as in meetings and downtown to effectively give back to that community. I'm again contemplating a Chair position because now I know the routine, I know the motions; I am prepared for the challenges it will bring. I'm after this Chair position partially because I feel it will affirm my strengths and allow me to rebuild what I may have lost prematurely last year as a President; but primarily I want the position because it will put me in a position to do better. And I'm taking my butt to class; I have three absences already (one of them, justified, the other was a wasted day that was supposed to be for 'catching up'... discipline, gotta get it under the belt), but I'm doing the work and taking my butt to class more often.

Women wise, my motivations have changed too. There will always be a part of me that will want to appeal to the opposite sex the way my peers do. But sooner or later, I'm going to have to realize that "I can only be me"... and the women in my life will have to accept that or move on. I've been checking myself more often; the stuff really tends to hit the fan when an individual I'm attracted to just really doesn't feel me the same way. I've gotten that a lot over the past year and a half, but I'm trying to not let that set me back too much. And I still flirt, but I'll be/have been writing letters to certain females just to reassure and encourage them and also to, you could say, right certain wrongs. That Nigerian sista I mentioned in a previous post and that Christian/Godly-minded sista I mentioned, they're all getting one (I wanted to wait on writing the Nigerian sista and tell her at graduation, but I'm trying to kill the procrastination. Besides, waiting til 'the right time' is overrated). Besides, I'd rather give them letters of closure than be haunted by possibilities and missed opportunities like I'm being now. I also had to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing by not settling on a particular young lady. Not even gonna lie, y'all: I'm so close to just giving in at times and asking the other Nigerian sista I mentioned out, but I don't want to do that until I KNOW I'm legitimately attracted to her for her and not because I just want someone around. I left a young lady hanging last week when we were supposed to meet for lunch because I was tired and didn't give her the greatest of notices (I told her over facebook about 45 minutes before we were supposed to meet). So hopefully I can repair that. I'm getting used to the idea of female 'friends,' especially when it boils down to female friends with boyfriends. That's that hard stuff, for real, especially when you're attracted to the particular young lady with the boyfriend; so, not to flatter myself, but I have to check my language and speak more appropriately and with the proper respect to her and her man at times. It's different, but I suspect this year, I'll become tolerant of it, if not accepting of it. OH, and most important lesson of all: if you don't ask, you won't know. I've been asking more often, been more bold with it. At times it sucks when she says, "yeah, I actually do have a boyfriend," but it's always better to know...

This is what keeps me going. Family, true friends, faith... changed motivation. A consistent need to prove myself to myself as much as everyone else. I like to say I'm always restless because I'm never satisfied... but now I think I'm always restless because I just don't go to bed at a decent hour lol. Nah, but for real, sleep habits outside of tonight, have changed too. And while I'm not yet satisfied, I'm accepting that what I want has to take a backseat for what God knows I need. And perhaps, just perhaps... I'll get what I want again, but when God wants me to have it this time, when God knows I am ready for it, as opposed to last time when I tried to snatch it all at the wrong time.

Alright, time to go write letter one to that Godly-minded sista. Not 'M,' 'J' (the Godly woman I mentioned back in the 'G(r)o(w) Time' post). Though, mind you, I should prob write 'M' too, because she's been going through some things, from what I've heard; if possible, dear readers, pray for 'M's' clarity. One of the strongest women I know, but she's going through it...

Thanks for listening. I'll be back before I know it... in the meantime, ask yourself (and learn to answer): What drives you?

Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure...

*sidenote: the above title is borrowed from the video game of the same name... have never played this game, but the title was definitely relative in my case lol*

I've been more than AWOL for what's a little over a month now :(... had a few personal things going on with my rent and trying to get my finances right for summer school (which starts today), and so that was definitely keeping me just a bit over-stressed out. There was a point for sure where I was definitely, definitely in a serious state of depression and discontent, because it seemed like things just kept piling up and I had nowhere to turn and no solutions in sight.

But as the saying goes, ours is an "On Time God," and the Creator definitely came through and made things fall into place for me, so at least at the current moment, my bills are paid, I have food in the pantry, and my job is supplying me with a relatively steady income. The only gripe, perhaps, that I really have is that I have to pay my roommate back for covering my half of the rent last month... and that definitely might keep me from 'stacking up my money' like I intended to all summer, at least for the month of June. Oh, and summer school starts today. Right now, I'm taking one class on loan money from financial aid. That may become two classes, depending on my discipline and whether or not I can afford it.

I will say, though: The struggle was/is hard, harder than I thought it would be. I still don't know where my money's going to come from to pay for all my textbooks (lol), but I've learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks. The single most important thing, if anything, that I've learned (and am still learning) about this current "Summer of Struggle" is that you can always sit around and be in the dumps about a situation... but it takes a lot more effort to actually pull yourself up off of the couch and out of the bed and tell yourself, "this is what needs to be done, and I'm going to do it."

Things changed a lot when I stopped saying, "Man, I'll never get out of this" and stopped dwelling on the dates I set up with young women that couldn't happen because I didn't have money to go out, or that I didn't capitalize on any opportunities. Instead, as hard as it was, I busted my butt off literally to get out of the hole. I bussed around to loan places, most of which denied me based on my meager wages with Jamba Juice at the time. My mother came through for me as best as she could in terms of helping out with the finances, which wasn't much but which was definitely more than I had. I'm about to get a serious hours increase at my job for the month of June, to where when I'm not in class, more than likely, I'll be at work (except on Tuesdays... MUST be home on Tuesdays at 8 PM for THE MOLE). And I'm teaching myself discipine - in the last three days, I've gone to bed at 12:30 or 1 AM and gotten up at about 7 or 7:30 AM. Hell, this morning, I'm up at 6:30. I may actually try and get in an extra hour of sleep when I'm done writing this lol. And I went to the gym twice in the last three days. The BrotherMan is definitely getting on that Project Uplift (Weights lol).

But I'm definitely in a process of... to paraphrase the theme of the 2006 Big XII Conference on Black Student Government so aptly put it, Construction After Destruction. No word yet on whether or not I am really on that road to 'becoming a man,' but for sure, I'm definitely more disciplined. I've also vowed to be more direct and bold in my approaches with professors, people, friends, and, yes, especially the young women I'm attracted to. I've been sending off my 'congratulatory graduation letters' to graduating seniors and will be working hard this weekend on completing those, plus 'congratulations/keep on pushing' letters for my favorite particular freshman students and mentees. I actually spent a lot of time over the last few weeks making an effort to engage and hang with many of my friends who are graduating and leaving Austin this month (perhaps it was a poor use of my money, but it was by far some of the best use of my time ever... will definitely miss many of those people). And today's paycheck, sadly, will definitely be going towards paying, at the very least, some of what I owe Anthony, replacement of the gym key I lost yesterday (Note to self: now that the buses are running more frequently, just go to the gym in your clothes, rather than bring your whole backpack there. That way, nothing has to get locked up and you don't misplace the key lol)... and I'm definitely splurging and getting a haircut today or tomorrow. Would PARTICULARLY love to splurge and go book shopping too, but... well, let's see how much the paycheck is and go from there, because for all I want to do, there is definitely slightly more I NEED to do. Who knows, perhaps today or even when I get paid two weeks from now, I'll finally get to open up a small savings account...

Anyway, it's 7 AM. Time to get back on the grind... or is that, get on it like never before for the first time? Do believe, The BrotherMan is back, and for these few moments, as Yolanda Adams put it so well, thanks largely in part to the Creator giving me discipline and a newfound sense of resolve and determination, I'm slowly finding 'The Victory' in more ways than one...