there's times when you get plain lost...
But if you let someone else dominate your mentality,
Be prepared to pay the cost.
I was seduced by another man's image of me
Seduced by another man's feelings
I was seduced by another man's fantasies
Until I forgot what's me."
- From "Seduced, by Derek Harper"; in the novel Seduced: The Life & Times of a One-Hit Wonder by Nelson George
In a sense, I appreciate being unaffiliated. And by unaffiliated, I mean I don't have any 'ties' to national organizations or major well-known social entities.
This past weekend was Texas Relays weekend in Austin, Texas; basically, during those four days from Thursday to Sunday, Black people from all over the country come down to indulge in the track meets on the UT campus and, most especially, for the many parties, free barbeques, and drink specials. While attending some of these Relays events, it dawned on me that maybe some people were only attending 'out of affiliation.' Granted, in many cases, you'll have people that come to your events/shows/social gatherings because they're a friend (or a friend of a friend) of one or all of the hosts of the event, and they come out to show support. But also in some cases, you have people who feel obligated to come out because they're affiliated with the hosts or hosting social entity.
Sadly, I'm starting to think that affiliations can put a disclaimer on relationships or friendships. I realize that there are some people who try to gain access to these well-known national organizations or social entities for the networking benefits or because they feel they have something to contribute to the as-much-as-a-century-long-legacies of these organizations. And I do take into account that there is a question of access involved: that is, as in many areas of life, what you do, and especially how you go about doing what you do, will expose you to different people and different walks of life that others might not be able to meet or see. As a person who's involved on campus, I've done quite a bit. In a sense, I, too, have indulged in this 'benefit for affiliation,' in that being involved with a large student governing body on campus, I was almost always invited to this "Student Leader Reunion" in the spring hosted by the Vice President of Student Affairs. And every year that I've attended this reunion, there are always more than a handful of individuals whom I personally consider to be student leaders (many much more so than myself) who are not present or whose names are not on any of the nametags available at the check-in table.
Relating this back to Relays weekend, I saw a number of affiliated individuals at parties who were very attractive, but who shut down members of the opposite sex almost immediately before turning to engage another affiliated individual. In the Black campus community, I've never really found myself in a position whereby I've had to question whether what I've done or the accolades I've received or the positions I've been elected to are a byproduct of my affliation with one major organization or another. I can appreciate that, because it means I never have to question myself or my motives.
It is easy, on a college campus, to be 'seduced' by the images of people affiliated with one social group or another. It is easy to fantasize and picture yourself mingling with the members of this group, wearing the logo of this group on a weekly basis, being proud to be a part of this group, belonging with such a group. It is easiest, perhaps, to be led to believe that your affiliations with a particular social group will bring you everything you're looking for in terms of status and attractivity in the eyes of others. You become so 'seduced' by how you will look with that social group and what it could do for you, that it consumes and may even replace your social identity. In other words, you were once "(insert name here)", but after gaining your affiliation, you are "(insert name here), a member of (insert national social group here)."
What is not so easy, is checking yourself when you're affiliated. I do wonder, if I was pursuing a young lady who was affiliated, if my chances would be easier to build something (relationship/friendship) with her if I were myself affiliated. I wonder if I would ever be able to ask myself if the primary reason (at least in the beginning) for her wanting to bother with me, is because I'm affiliated with a certain social group. Maybe these are just insecure thoughts.
BUT then I'm compelled to ask: what if? What if, literally, my world, my community, is based upon such a standard? What if I'm really 'not qualified enough' if I'm not affiliated? And with that, who's to say that I'm not qualified enough just because I'm not affiliated? Does one's connection to a certain national organization or social group really reflect how well they are able to do the work they do, how good they are at talking to influential people, or even how good they are at getting a laugh out of a gorgeous young lady?
The reality is, there's a possibility that, if I don't indulge in the desire for affiliation, I may want to go after a young lady who just might be affiliated herself. And again, maybe this is just me being self-conscious and insecure. But I'd hate to be in ANY type of relationship where I have to second-guess myself and ask: is she attracted to me, or an image of me? Further, is she, or any other person, that important to where I'd be willing to lose myself in that image, completely become that other persona, just to appeal to what she (those other people) think I am/ought to be? And if I am willing to do that, am I 'prepared to pay' whatever cost might follow?
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