Nobody Not Really/Something Missing

Maybe I'm invisible to the world/
Does anyone in the world even think of me?
As more than just a hopeless cause
Maybe the world is not my block...

I'm alone in a big empty space with/ Nobody not really

- "Nobody Not Really," by Alicia Keys, from The Diary of Alicia Keys album

Here's the real talk: I'm starting to feel lonely.

I won't be too quick to place the blame on other people or make the usual 'these women just don't know what they're looking for/they don't know a good man when they see one' whiny argument. I accept, to an extent, that my loneliness is my own fault.

I admit, that I've been seeking some form of validation, some kind of sign... perhaps someBODY whose presence would affirm the work that I've done or tried to do these last few years. It's weird because, just recently, I've been feeling exceptionally depressed and unfulfilled. I consider myself a very humble person, but I honestly thought and hoped that a lot of the work I did, especially on campus, would culminate in some type of recognition or award. And now that I'm a senior... and about to graduate... and the awards are starting to roll in... it appears that none of the accolades are coming in my direction. I admit that for "all I've done," there were two things I fell short with: my GPA and building relationships. With regards to the first, I'm not in a state of crisis, but I'm not academically comfortable either. My GPA isn't high enough to meet the minimum 2.5 that is required to apply or be eligible for many of the leadership accolades I hoped to attain.

On the second shortcoming, it appears none of the opposite sex are coming in my direction, either. Now, I'm a firm believer in the idea that the time the Creator keeps you single is a growing season, to be used and spent for building the best possible you, you could be in a future relationship. But I'm 22... and I've been in only one relationship. That lasted only three days; I broke it off because I told her she deserved better. And it was true: she deserved better because, not to take away from the qualities she did have, but I was essentially settling on her because, at the time, I really just wanted a girlfriend. And I deserved better than her because she had too many personal issues going on that I wasn't prepared to deal with being only 17 at the time.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not so lonely to where I'm desperate, where I'd be putting myself in a position of 'settling' again. But... I feel ready now. I want that relationship. I want to matter to someone. I want to be important to someone. I want to be able to call someone up out of the blue just because I was thinking about her. I know that it won't always be blue skies and lily-layered fields, but I want that, too. I want those problem times that will challenge us and test us and show one person how the other deals with pressure so we can prepare for that together in the future.

I want something similar to what Neo and Trinity had in The Matrix series. The love between the two of them was unselfish, sacrificing, passionate, pushing. I want a love where my woman is to me the way Trinity was to Neo: Trinity understood that Neo was called to do something greater and larger, and she accepted that and was willing to sacrifice and step away and let him do his thing because she knew that's what he was meant to do. I want to be to my woman what Neo was to Trinity: Neo knew that and respected that Trinity knew he had a lot of people vying for his attention, but at the end of the day, she occupied his every thought, his every action. Neo was motivated to fight for Trinity, not because of what she looked like or what she "symbolized," but simply because she was Trinity, nothing more, nothing less. I want to care about someone so much to where I'm willing to dig deep inside of that person to revive them just as it seems they're about to die (at the 0:52 mark), because she matters more than I do. I want to be able to make a young lady happy. I have always been told "you're such a great guy/friend, we need more guys like you, but..."; I want that sentence, without the conditional ‘but’.

A young woman whom I value a great deal once told me (about someone she cared about), "I felt like he was my destiny. The person God had created years ago to help me grow and love me and teach me how to love and how to grow up and that I was supposed to love and care for." That's really it, exactly. I want to be that to someone. I want someone to instill a similarly genuine emotion in me.

I am tired of being stuck in my predicaments, with my demons, with my failures, with my successes... and sharing them with 'nobody, not really' but myself or my family. I want... more.