G(r)O(w) Time...

Be careful what you ask for... because you just might get it.

Looking back, I have to say if this had legitimately been my 'Senior Year' (I'm now staying in undergrad for a full year longer to complete my second degree and devote more focus to LSAT preparation in the fall), I would have been pissed. Seriously... everything I undertook, everything I went after, it seemed like it ended in complete failure or something close to it, with the exception of one of my Constitutional Development government courses. I was less than pleased with my performance in the classroom, in my student organizations, and even in my personal life.

I thought that last year was really difficult because I had lost my great-grandfather. But I was so unprepared for the challenges that would come at me this year. For the first time ever, I was truly on my own. I was living off-campus, having to make sure I paid bills on time and having to remember to keep the groceries stocked and fresh. I was paying my own phone bill, and took on the added burden of having to pay for an extra line for my younger sister, as well. I couldn't exactly call home for money because I would have had to have listened to the usual spiel from my moms about, "I'm going to try to send you money, I'm going to try to send you money"... but knowing my mother's all too rigorous work schedule, I knew the money would either never come, would come way too late past the time I needed it most, or would come in a much smaller amount than I expected it to. Not to mention, because I didn't have a steady job or income, my new cell phone was off a lot more than it was on.

The burdens increased because my apartment was 20 minutes out from campus, and I had to catch a bus. I was thinking that I could still get up 30 minutes before class or meetings, catch the bus, and make it just in time to class or meetings... and learned later that I had to factor in heavy traffic periods between my apartment and the campus. I was more tired than I had ever been before in my life, so I slept through class and meetings. And what I had hoped would be my greatest triumph, being the President of the student organization I had involved myself with since freshman year, ended up becoming my greatest frustration, because my Executive Board had poor communication skills and being off-campus meant I had to depend on my mentee for rides or show up late to events and meetings waiting on the bus.

From a relationship standpoint, the young woman I found myself increasingly falling for left for grad school in Lubbock in December. I had honestly wanted to pursue something with her, but wasn't sure if the distance would pose an issue. Further, I found my attentions being pulled in two opposite directions: 1) in the direction of a young woman whom I've admired and respected since our freshman year, but whom I never had the chance to outright ask out and hang out with; and 2) in the direction of a young woman who I was always attracted to, but who I could never see myself going after because I had spent a year trying to help one of my boys hook up with her. I ended up abandoning the "Scrabble Mistress" heading to grad school for young woman #1 (we'll call her "Taylor"); and "Taylor" shut me down relationship wise... but young woman #1 was also really big on saying that, "I'm not in a relationship season right now, but I really still want to hang out with you." Now I'm thinking that maybe I made a wrong move stepping away from the "Scrabble Mistress," but there's really no way to remediate that at this point...

As for young woman #2... it's a tough call, y'all. I'm truly attracted to her, but the situation is too eerily similar to something that happened my junior year. Young woman #2 reminds me too much of "The Nigerian Unicorn," the strong, level-headed, ambitious, intelligent, gorgeous Nigerian Sista I was pursuing but who I stepped away from primarily because I didn't know if she preferred another Nigerian dude over somebody like me.

And now there's a Sista #3 and Sista #4. Sista #3 is in my department (English), she's really cool people and the one time we did get to hang out, it went really well, at least to me. But "C" (as we'll call her) is SO HARD to keep in contact with, much less to set up times to hang with. I really want to get to know her more, but if we don't get too many chances to hang... As for Sista #4, she's a sophomore. "G" has a gorgeous smile and makes me laugh... however, I think I moved in on her too soon asking her out to lunch and now it appears she's avoiding me. I hope that can be remediated, because I would certainly love to at least be good friends with her before I graduate.

Ironically enough, though, as disappointed in me, myself, and I, as I am, when I look back on the year in review, it's easy to see God gave me everything I asked for. I asked for a girlfriend, or rather, a Godly woman to come into to my life and bring substance into it. I got that, twice, I think, in "Taylor" and especially in "The Scrabble Mistress"; but on both occasions, I dropped the ball. I asked to be President of my student organization; I got that too, but hadn't fully taken into account the amount of accountability and growth that would demand of me, especially being off-campus. I asked for popularity; I got that... but perhaps, I was so involved, so well-known, that it cost me the opportunity to cultivate my closer friendships and spend more time with the people I care about the most who are going to be graduating soon. I asked to be respected; I think I got that, but I think in the process of trying to be this always professional guy, I turned off a lot of people because they thought I was too 'uppity' or 'unapproachable.'

At this moment, at this point in time, though, I'm so disappointed in who and where I am. I should be doing so much better. I'm trying to get hired at this job down here in Austin to make an effort to get myself a steady income going, and I slept through two shifts, didn't have a phone so I couldn't call in late to tell the boss. He's giving me a third shot, which I'm too thankful for, but he basically told me, "I can't count on you." My roommate told me as much back in January: I know if I needed something from you, you would bend over backwards for me, but I don't think I could trust or count on you to come through if I needed you to show at a specific time or place for me. That sh*t hurt... a lot... because I had always considered myself the type of person who could be counted on and respected. But both my boss-to-be and my roommate were just being real with me... they knew, as I do, that I was capable of better.

Maybe this is me being harsh on myself... I admit that I am my own worst critic. But I can do that, because it means I'll be prepared for what anyone has to say about me if I know my own shortcomings. As the great Rudyard Kipling put it, "...trust yourself when all men doubt you/ but make allowance for their doubting too..."

So this is it. This is proof... that this is G(r)O(w) Time. If nothing else, one thing I learned this year, is that The BrotherMan needs to grow up. The BrotherMan needs to get in "GO" mode and grind like he never has before. It's time for me to be more of the man I claim to be and stop falling short, time to stop making excuses and being so apologetic. To quote someone who I view as a mentor and friend, perhaps like an uncle I never had who was always there advising, It's time for The BrotherMan to 'stop trying to be the man and BECOME a man.'