G(r)O(w) Time...

Be careful what you ask for... because you just might get it.

Looking back, I have to say if this had legitimately been my 'Senior Year' (I'm now staying in undergrad for a full year longer to complete my second degree and devote more focus to LSAT preparation in the fall), I would have been pissed. Seriously... everything I undertook, everything I went after, it seemed like it ended in complete failure or something close to it, with the exception of one of my Constitutional Development government courses. I was less than pleased with my performance in the classroom, in my student organizations, and even in my personal life.

I thought that last year was really difficult because I had lost my great-grandfather. But I was so unprepared for the challenges that would come at me this year. For the first time ever, I was truly on my own. I was living off-campus, having to make sure I paid bills on time and having to remember to keep the groceries stocked and fresh. I was paying my own phone bill, and took on the added burden of having to pay for an extra line for my younger sister, as well. I couldn't exactly call home for money because I would have had to have listened to the usual spiel from my moms about, "I'm going to try to send you money, I'm going to try to send you money"... but knowing my mother's all too rigorous work schedule, I knew the money would either never come, would come way too late past the time I needed it most, or would come in a much smaller amount than I expected it to. Not to mention, because I didn't have a steady job or income, my new cell phone was off a lot more than it was on.

The burdens increased because my apartment was 20 minutes out from campus, and I had to catch a bus. I was thinking that I could still get up 30 minutes before class or meetings, catch the bus, and make it just in time to class or meetings... and learned later that I had to factor in heavy traffic periods between my apartment and the campus. I was more tired than I had ever been before in my life, so I slept through class and meetings. And what I had hoped would be my greatest triumph, being the President of the student organization I had involved myself with since freshman year, ended up becoming my greatest frustration, because my Executive Board had poor communication skills and being off-campus meant I had to depend on my mentee for rides or show up late to events and meetings waiting on the bus.

From a relationship standpoint, the young woman I found myself increasingly falling for left for grad school in Lubbock in December. I had honestly wanted to pursue something with her, but wasn't sure if the distance would pose an issue. Further, I found my attentions being pulled in two opposite directions: 1) in the direction of a young woman whom I've admired and respected since our freshman year, but whom I never had the chance to outright ask out and hang out with; and 2) in the direction of a young woman who I was always attracted to, but who I could never see myself going after because I had spent a year trying to help one of my boys hook up with her. I ended up abandoning the "Scrabble Mistress" heading to grad school for young woman #1 (we'll call her "Taylor"); and "Taylor" shut me down relationship wise... but young woman #1 was also really big on saying that, "I'm not in a relationship season right now, but I really still want to hang out with you." Now I'm thinking that maybe I made a wrong move stepping away from the "Scrabble Mistress," but there's really no way to remediate that at this point...

As for young woman #2... it's a tough call, y'all. I'm truly attracted to her, but the situation is too eerily similar to something that happened my junior year. Young woman #2 reminds me too much of "The Nigerian Unicorn," the strong, level-headed, ambitious, intelligent, gorgeous Nigerian Sista I was pursuing but who I stepped away from primarily because I didn't know if she preferred another Nigerian dude over somebody like me.

And now there's a Sista #3 and Sista #4. Sista #3 is in my department (English), she's really cool people and the one time we did get to hang out, it went really well, at least to me. But "C" (as we'll call her) is SO HARD to keep in contact with, much less to set up times to hang with. I really want to get to know her more, but if we don't get too many chances to hang... As for Sista #4, she's a sophomore. "G" has a gorgeous smile and makes me laugh... however, I think I moved in on her too soon asking her out to lunch and now it appears she's avoiding me. I hope that can be remediated, because I would certainly love to at least be good friends with her before I graduate.

Ironically enough, though, as disappointed in me, myself, and I, as I am, when I look back on the year in review, it's easy to see God gave me everything I asked for. I asked for a girlfriend, or rather, a Godly woman to come into to my life and bring substance into it. I got that, twice, I think, in "Taylor" and especially in "The Scrabble Mistress"; but on both occasions, I dropped the ball. I asked to be President of my student organization; I got that too, but hadn't fully taken into account the amount of accountability and growth that would demand of me, especially being off-campus. I asked for popularity; I got that... but perhaps, I was so involved, so well-known, that it cost me the opportunity to cultivate my closer friendships and spend more time with the people I care about the most who are going to be graduating soon. I asked to be respected; I think I got that, but I think in the process of trying to be this always professional guy, I turned off a lot of people because they thought I was too 'uppity' or 'unapproachable.'

At this moment, at this point in time, though, I'm so disappointed in who and where I am. I should be doing so much better. I'm trying to get hired at this job down here in Austin to make an effort to get myself a steady income going, and I slept through two shifts, didn't have a phone so I couldn't call in late to tell the boss. He's giving me a third shot, which I'm too thankful for, but he basically told me, "I can't count on you." My roommate told me as much back in January: I know if I needed something from you, you would bend over backwards for me, but I don't think I could trust or count on you to come through if I needed you to show at a specific time or place for me. That sh*t hurt... a lot... because I had always considered myself the type of person who could be counted on and respected. But both my boss-to-be and my roommate were just being real with me... they knew, as I do, that I was capable of better.

Maybe this is me being harsh on myself... I admit that I am my own worst critic. But I can do that, because it means I'll be prepared for what anyone has to say about me if I know my own shortcomings. As the great Rudyard Kipling put it, "...trust yourself when all men doubt you/ but make allowance for their doubting too..."

So this is it. This is proof... that this is G(r)O(w) Time. If nothing else, one thing I learned this year, is that The BrotherMan needs to grow up. The BrotherMan needs to get in "GO" mode and grind like he never has before. It's time for me to be more of the man I claim to be and stop falling short, time to stop making excuses and being so apologetic. To quote someone who I view as a mentor and friend, perhaps like an uncle I never had who was always there advising, It's time for The BrotherMan to 'stop trying to be the man and BECOME a man.'

Nobody Not Really/Something Missing

Maybe I'm invisible to the world/
Does anyone in the world even think of me?
As more than just a hopeless cause
Maybe the world is not my block...

I'm alone in a big empty space with/ Nobody not really

- "Nobody Not Really," by Alicia Keys, from The Diary of Alicia Keys album

Here's the real talk: I'm starting to feel lonely.

I won't be too quick to place the blame on other people or make the usual 'these women just don't know what they're looking for/they don't know a good man when they see one' whiny argument. I accept, to an extent, that my loneliness is my own fault.

I admit, that I've been seeking some form of validation, some kind of sign... perhaps someBODY whose presence would affirm the work that I've done or tried to do these last few years. It's weird because, just recently, I've been feeling exceptionally depressed and unfulfilled. I consider myself a very humble person, but I honestly thought and hoped that a lot of the work I did, especially on campus, would culminate in some type of recognition or award. And now that I'm a senior... and about to graduate... and the awards are starting to roll in... it appears that none of the accolades are coming in my direction. I admit that for "all I've done," there were two things I fell short with: my GPA and building relationships. With regards to the first, I'm not in a state of crisis, but I'm not academically comfortable either. My GPA isn't high enough to meet the minimum 2.5 that is required to apply or be eligible for many of the leadership accolades I hoped to attain.

On the second shortcoming, it appears none of the opposite sex are coming in my direction, either. Now, I'm a firm believer in the idea that the time the Creator keeps you single is a growing season, to be used and spent for building the best possible you, you could be in a future relationship. But I'm 22... and I've been in only one relationship. That lasted only three days; I broke it off because I told her she deserved better. And it was true: she deserved better because, not to take away from the qualities she did have, but I was essentially settling on her because, at the time, I really just wanted a girlfriend. And I deserved better than her because she had too many personal issues going on that I wasn't prepared to deal with being only 17 at the time.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not so lonely to where I'm desperate, where I'd be putting myself in a position of 'settling' again. But... I feel ready now. I want that relationship. I want to matter to someone. I want to be important to someone. I want to be able to call someone up out of the blue just because I was thinking about her. I know that it won't always be blue skies and lily-layered fields, but I want that, too. I want those problem times that will challenge us and test us and show one person how the other deals with pressure so we can prepare for that together in the future.

I want something similar to what Neo and Trinity had in The Matrix series. The love between the two of them was unselfish, sacrificing, passionate, pushing. I want a love where my woman is to me the way Trinity was to Neo: Trinity understood that Neo was called to do something greater and larger, and she accepted that and was willing to sacrifice and step away and let him do his thing because she knew that's what he was meant to do. I want to be to my woman what Neo was to Trinity: Neo knew that and respected that Trinity knew he had a lot of people vying for his attention, but at the end of the day, she occupied his every thought, his every action. Neo was motivated to fight for Trinity, not because of what she looked like or what she "symbolized," but simply because she was Trinity, nothing more, nothing less. I want to care about someone so much to where I'm willing to dig deep inside of that person to revive them just as it seems they're about to die (at the 0:52 mark), because she matters more than I do. I want to be able to make a young lady happy. I have always been told "you're such a great guy/friend, we need more guys like you, but..."; I want that sentence, without the conditional ‘but’.

A young woman whom I value a great deal once told me (about someone she cared about), "I felt like he was my destiny. The person God had created years ago to help me grow and love me and teach me how to love and how to grow up and that I was supposed to love and care for." That's really it, exactly. I want to be that to someone. I want someone to instill a similarly genuine emotion in me.

I am tired of being stuck in my predicaments, with my demons, with my failures, with my successes... and sharing them with 'nobody, not really' but myself or my family. I want... more.

Seduction and Second-Guessing

"There's times when it's easy to lose control
there's times when you get plain lost...
But if you let someone else dominate your mentality,
Be prepared to pay the cost.


I was seduced by another man's image of me
Seduced by another man's feelings
I was seduced by another man's fantasies
Until I forgot what's me."

- From "Seduced, by Derek Harper"; in the novel Seduced: The Life & Times of a One-Hit Wonder by Nelson George

In a sense, I appreciate being unaffiliated. And by unaffiliated, I mean I don't have any 'ties' to national organizations or major well-known social entities.

This past weekend was Texas Relays weekend in Austin, Texas; basically, during those four days from Thursday to Sunday, Black people from all over the country come down to indulge in the track meets on the UT campus and, most especially, for the many parties, free barbeques, and drink specials. While attending some of these Relays events, it dawned on me that maybe some people were only attending 'out of affiliation.' Granted, in many cases, you'll have people that come to your events/shows/social gatherings because they're a friend (or a friend of a friend) of one or all of the hosts of the event, and they come out to show support. But also in some cases, you have people who feel obligated to come out because they're affiliated with the hosts or hosting social entity.

Sadly, I'm starting to think that affiliations can put a disclaimer on relationships or friendships. I realize that there are some people who try to gain access to these well-known national organizations or social entities for the networking benefits or because they feel they have something to contribute to the as-much-as-a-century-long-legacies of these organizations. And I do take into account that there is a question of access involved: that is, as in many areas of life, what you do, and especially how you go about doing what you do, will expose you to different people and different walks of life that others might not be able to meet or see. As a person who's involved on campus, I've done quite a bit. In a sense, I, too, have indulged in this 'benefit for affiliation,' in that being involved with a large student governing body on campus, I was almost always invited to this "Student Leader Reunion" in the spring hosted by the Vice President of Student Affairs. And every year that I've attended this reunion, there are always more than a handful of individuals whom I personally consider to be student leaders (many much more so than myself) who are not present or whose names are not on any of the nametags available at the check-in table.

Relating this back to Relays weekend, I saw a number of affiliated individuals at parties who were very attractive, but who shut down members of the opposite sex almost immediately before turning to engage another affiliated individual. In the Black campus community, I've never really found myself in a position whereby I've had to question whether what I've done or the accolades I've received or the positions I've been elected to are a byproduct of my affliation with one major organization or another. I can appreciate that, because it means I never have to question myself or my motives.

It is easy, on a college campus, to be 'seduced' by the images of people affiliated with one social group or another. It is easy to fantasize and picture yourself mingling with the members of this group, wearing the logo of this group on a weekly basis, being proud to be a part of this group, belonging with such a group. It is easiest, perhaps, to be led to believe that your affiliations with a particular social group will bring you everything you're looking for in terms of status and attractivity in the eyes of others. You become so 'seduced' by how you will look with that social group and what it could do for you, that it consumes and may even replace your social identity. In other words, you were once "(insert name here)", but after gaining your affiliation, you are "(insert name here), a member of (insert national social group here)."

What is not so easy, is checking yourself when you're affiliated. I do wonder, if I was pursuing a young lady who was affiliated, if my chances would be easier to build something (relationship/friendship) with her if I were myself affiliated. I wonder if I would ever be able to ask myself if the primary reason (at least in the beginning) for her wanting to bother with me, is because I'm affiliated with a certain social group. Maybe these are just insecure thoughts.

BUT then I'm compelled to ask: what if? What if, literally, my world, my community, is based upon such a standard? What if I'm really 'not qualified enough' if I'm not affiliated? And with that, who's to say that I'm not qualified enough just because I'm not affiliated? Does one's connection to a certain national organization or social group really reflect how well they are able to do the work they do, how good they are at talking to influential people, or even how good they are at getting a laugh out of a gorgeous young lady?

The reality is, there's a possibility that, if I don't indulge in the desire for affiliation, I may want to go after a young lady who just might be affiliated herself. And again, maybe this is just me being self-conscious and insecure. But I'd hate to be in ANY type of relationship where I have to second-guess myself and ask: is she attracted to me, or an image of me? Further, is she, or any other person, that important to where I'd be willing to lose myself in that image, completely become that other persona, just to appeal to what she (those other people) think I am/ought to be? And if I am willing to do that, am I 'prepared to pay' whatever cost might follow?

My Father's Daughter - A Poem

As my shoulder bears the weight of your mother's head,
my arms offering her comfort after a long day as we lay in our bed
As you lay in your mother's womb,
I am dreaming of you

I imagine that in the delivery room
that cold morning in October
You will be born as the byproduct
of a God-checked, God-spent, God-blessed union
between a Virgo and her Capricorn
You will enter the world at birth
with skin the color of the Pink Panther,
but bearing the unconquerable soul of a Black one
On the surface, you will have my hazel eyes,
but your mother's teeth and versatile hair
We will call you Jasmine, the name I fought with your mother for,
with the compromise that your mother's name be the middle name to yours

When you are two, you will walk for the first time
much the same way you will walk for the rest of your life:
rising, gracefully yet unsure, hoping your feet will support you
the first three times you attempt to stand,
you will fall back down onto the carpet with a flop
the fourth time, with your mother's courage,
you will stand tall and take a step, then two, then three, then four
smiling at your first conquest, knowing you will have so many more

When you are five, not too long after your mother and I's first son comes along,
in the dark of night, you will hear us arguing
You will hear many punches thrown, but not a single one will be physical
You will leave your bed just as the final round is about to commence
You will knock softly on our bedroom door
You will say something along the lines of, "Be quiet, my brother's sleeping"
Your mother and I will look at you with the same amazed, incredulous look
Then we will laugh, partly because we know you are right about your brother
Partly because you are commanding authority at such a young age
You will ask us outright, "why are you shouting at each other?"
Your mother and I will look at each other, and I will simply nod
I will pick you up and carry you back to your room and tuck you in,
and then I will tell you, "mommy and daddy sometimes don't agree,
and because we can't agree, we argue, but we don't fight
But from now on, we will whisper when we argue so you and your brother can sleep. How about that?"
I will hear you giggle and smile, then kiss you goodnight
then turn off the bedside lamp and turn on your nightlight
This is the night you will begin to speak out for what you felt was right

When you are thirteen, you will have to get braces
Not so much because it's what everyone else has, but because it's what the dentist said you needed
By then, you and your brother will have been spoiled
You will have gotten used to being treated the way a young lady ought to be treated
You will come home one day in tears, half angry, half sad
Not knowing where else to take it out, you shout at your brother because you are mad
Your mother will try to talk to you, you'll simply look away
I'll ask your mother what's wrong with you, she'll tell me, you wouldn't say
I'll immediately assume the worst, thinking it involves a boy
And a boy is in fact the reason, but not for the reasons I think
You will tell me you were made fun of, you will hold in your tears while you pout
You will tell me this boy you liked at school called you 'an ugly metal mouth'
I will tell you it does not matter, because you are beautiful to me
I will tell you, you are the continuation of generations of a wondrous legacy
You are the child of activists, dreamers, entrepreneurs,
the next in line of confident family women who all got talked about, but all ignored
what others had to say, in order to go on and do things bigger than they'd ever been done before
This is when you will learn you are only as beautiful as you believe yourself to be
This is will I will learn I cannot be there to protect my little girl from everything

When you are seventeen (and ten months, as you like to say), you will graduate high school
at the top of your class, just like your daddy did
You will wear a Kente cloth over your gown and around your tassels,
'symbolic,' you will say, of my people in the past and present struggle
You will walk across that stage when they call your name,
and your mother, your brother, and I will shout and scream as though we are insane
I will see you and be proud of the young woman we have raised
We will stop and take pictures of you afterwards, your face as bright as the shining sun
And then your friends will call you over, and you'll tell us, "Sorry, I have to run"
That's when I'll have to accept that Daddy's Little Girl is no longer one

You will go on to higher education, meet a young man, build a family
You will call and visit on holidays and birthdays
You will write your younger brother on MySpace
You will ask your mother and I to babysit when you go on long trips
We will pray for your safe leave and return
Your mother and I will hope we gave you a good family model for your own
Your mother and I will remind you that you are still our Baby Girl, even though you are off on your own
I will look down upon you smiling, as you and your mother cry at my funeral
I will hear you say "I love you, Daddy," and knowing I cannot come back down from above
I will wish I could reply, and be left wondering if I ever said 'I love you' back, enough

But for now, as my shoulder bears the weight of your mother's head,
my arms offering her comfort after a long day as we lay in our bed,
As you lay in your mother's womb, I am holding her dreaming of you
I am praying, I am wishing, whenever you may step, whenever you may falter,
in doing all I hope to do, you are never ashamed to say, "I am my father's daughter"

How It's Gonna Be

You know you've been writing for a good while when you can revisit something you wrote a while back and find that it still holds some truth or validity, or that you can still relate to what you wrote about, years later. This is a poem I wrote back in 2005... and ironically enough, this is EXACTLY where my mind has been for the last few days, having considered how a certain friend of mine has always made herself available to me and has been very supportive of me these last few years. Not that I'm super-interested in her, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't been wondering... what if...

I’m trying to find the words that will say this/
The best way it can be said/
Because when I try to write them down/
It always seems like they can’t be read/
It seems with matters of the heart,/
It’s always hard to start/
I need to let these feelings out/
But I can’t let them drive us apart

This whole time, you and me have braved it all/
Always pushed the other forward, never let them fall/
I told you so many things that no one knows/
And I know the side of you that you never show/
It was like there was something that was always there/
And at least in the beginning, it didn’t hurt to care/
But then I found my thoughts going elsewhere/
I started seeing more in you, and my mind began to dare/

We’d be studying, and I’d be visually undressing you/
Sitting there watching the game, I’d be mentally caressing you/
We’d be talking on the phone, and I’d cease to understand/
Because I’d be too busy picturing myself as your man/
So now I find myself at a point I didn’t want to reach/
Find myself forced to learn the lesson that life loves to teach/
For I’m forced to make a choice I don’t want to make/
But there’s a consequence down any road that I decide to take/

What do you do when the person that you call your friend/
Grows into someone that you could see yourself spend/
A moment, a night or two, maybe even a life with?/
She becomes someone you’re not content to just spend time with/
So, you see, I find myself in that position with you/
I’ve tried everything, and I still can’t stop thinking of you/
Though we were once friends, I see now that I want you with me/
I hate to admit it, but from now on, that’s how it’s gonna be

So I sat there one day asking myself/
If I should let it all go, put my feelings on the shelf?/
I didn’t want to lose someone I cared about to something like this/
I mean, thoughts would remain thoughts, unless we happened to kiss/
But then I noticed that my logic was all over the place/
We’d be conversing, and I’d be picturing my hand on your face/
You’d come to my room, and I’d be straightening it all up/
Random thoughts would enter my mind when parties got you messed up/

It got to the point where you would mention other dudes/
And you probably noticed, my language went the route of rude/
Or maybe there were instances when we were with your friends/
And I got silent when y’all would talk about the other men/
I began to wonder why you never mentioned me/
Began to wonder if you spoke this way intentionally/
I started taking your embraces like they meant something/
You said my name and my mind just started running/

So I see now that I can no longer call you just a friend/
Because I possess a knowledge that could make our friendship end/
It wasn’t even my actions, but my thoughts that set this all in motion/
For friendship falls when one person within it is seized by emotion/
So maybe perhaps you might not feel the same way/
Maybe you don’t see this became a charade the day my feelings came into play/
You are no longer just a friend, but the woman that I must have with me/
And we must both accept that, from now on, this is how it’s gonna be