On Love of Self, Others, and The Race

"My last claim is that real love, the love of others and love of self, is
often painful and sometimes seems harsh.

If we do love each other and we love our race, then we have to be
critical of ourselves and honest. Love is an act of recognition, empathy, and
sharing. Love is not the act of giving, but is, in itself, a gift... We can't
support the men and women who say that the white man is too much for them. We have to say, 'No, sister. No, brother. You're wrong about that. You've got the
power in your hands.' There's love in that phrase, but many people will be angry
when you say it. Angry because we have lived through many generations in which
white America has done its best to disable our love for ourselves.

The expectations of love are too much for too many of us. It's easier to
share the feeling of defeat; the false blues. To love someone is to believe in
her or him. To believe in someone is to expect the highest standard of her or
his humanity. If we can achieve this kind of love, we can do anything... I
believe that we can love each other without pulling ourselves down."

- Walter Mosley, from the essay "Giving Back" in Black Genius: African-American Solutions to African-American Problems

The above is one of my all-time favorite quotes from one of my all-time favorite reads. It's only recently that I've begun to really consider what Walter Mosley was saying. Ours is a cruel world these days. As Mo'Nique so eloquently put it on one episode of Charm School, "Life is painful. It simply bends you over, and it uses no vaseline." It gets harder when you're a person of color and you start seeking out a support group amongst people who look like you and who you would believe in one way or another share or understand what you're going through.

Being involved in campus life for my entire undergraduate career, I know all too well the joys and pitfalls of having such love. Love can be THE most terrifying feeling you ever have in your lifetime. It takes a lot to do what Mosley said and "believe in someone and expect the highest level of humanity from her or him." It's hard... because no doubt you've been let down before. You've put your trust, your faith, sometimes even your heart into organizations, friendships, relationships... only to be disappointed, find your trust betrayed, find your heart broken. True love demands a vulnerability from all parties involved: you're literally opening up yourself to this other person or this organization, giving this organization or person the best that you have to offer most of the time. You expect that the love will be returned; I mean, it's due process, right. But the reality is, that is not always the case.

This is what is hurting our people right now, from a community and from a relationship standpoint. We don't believe in ourselves enough. When someone shares their ambitions and aspirations with another Black person, sometimes those ambitions or aspirations are shot down. I remember we were volunteering at this middle school mentoring young Brothers down there, and the first meeting we had with them, we presented them with statistics on the low numbers of high school and college athletes who go on to play professional sports. While our intentions had been to mainly let them know about other life options outside of sports, looking back, I see that we really went in there KILLING those Brothers' dreams. We cannot be Dream Killers, complacent and saying simply, "this is how it is" having been so misguided and mislead by the sometimes oppressive nature of the privleged. We must hold back our inner cynic or 'realist' when a young Black girl says she wants to run for President someday, or when a young Black boy says he wants to play professional hockey or become a chess champion or any number of things. We MUST believe in our potential as people of color to continue our ancestors' tradition of rising to the occasion and going above 'the expectation.'

We don't love each other, as well; or when we do love, it takes a conditional route. "I promise to love you if... If you really loved me, you'd do... You're not on my level (until you do)..." While it is reasonable to demand something from your friends, your lovers, your spouses, in your relationships, it is unfair to them to give them something to ASPIRE to as if you are somewhat higher placed than they are, much less to not return the favor. You never answer their phone calls, but you expect them to pick up on the first ring at 2 AM when the sky in your world starts falling. You set 'standards' for the person in your life that you don't yourself adhere to. You ask much of a potential life partner without considering what you can and would offer. What you may perceive as the other person 'not doing enough' in the relationship, may simply be them doing the best or all they know HOW to do.

As a people, as individuals, we MUST be willing to be vulnerable. We must be prepared to open ourselves up. Yes, life is hard; yes, love hurts; but when you adopt Hammurabi-style eye-for-an-eye relational politics, especially in light of the wise strong words of Ephesians 5 of the Holy Bible, you suffer more. Ephesians 5:12 reads, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Compromise. Accept the shortcomings and failures and mistakes of those you love not as them not being worthy of you; but rather, as them BEING HUMAN. This is the type of love we all need and should aspire to give: a love that accepts that we are human, that we are flawed, but that we are still deserving. A love that demands we accept ourselves, because while in our own eyes, we are flawed, the skin you're in and the soul you hold are perfect in the eyes of your Creator. A love that is so great, it asks the tough questions, but extends a hand as opposed to just pointing a finger. A love that will demand more of you because it knows you are capable of better, not because it believes it's better than you. A love that will take you not for you who will or should become, but for who you are.