Haunted...

I see it... her... from a distance. Not because I don't want to be in its... her presence, but because our environment dictates that only certain people are worthy of her... its presence.

Once, I thought I was. I was compelled further by the comments of others that I might complement her... it well, that we would make a good couple. But then I reached out to it... her, and where I had expected her... its hand to take hold of mine, she... it simply bit my hand and turned the other way. I was wounded, hurt, by its... her rejection. I asked myself if I was not amongst the select few, the chosen, the deserving of her... its attention. Here I was, thinking I had done all I could to be the best at what I did, and yet and still, all I did was not enough to gain the attention of it... she who mattered most. I questioned myself and who I was and what I was becoming and whether I was doing too little or too much. I saw it... her give itself... herself to people I considered my friends. I began to draw comparisons. I told myself these other people must have been better, smarter, faster, stronger than me. I taught myself to understand that I was just not good enough, not what she... it wanted.

But I wanted it... her badder than I ever wanted anything before. She... it stands beside me, in my friends, in my acquaintances, its... her allure unshakeable, unwavering, unstable, uncontrollable, irresistible. I felt as though I needed her... it to affirm, reaffirm my purpose. It... she called me with the same reckless seductive abandon with which the Sirens once called many Grecian ships into troubled rocky waters. I got frustrated for a time with God because I felt He kept placing her... it in my direct line of sight. I felt that He was pointing at her... it, and telling me, Look at it... her. Isn't it... she lovely? This is what you cannot have.

Not too long ago, I accepted that she... it was not meant for me. It... she haunts me, taunts me, teases me still, seeming to say, I am here if you want me bad enough. What you want, I could give you that... if you give yourself to me. But I remember when I wanted to give myself to her... it, and I remember how I was refused and left confused. I am not fully healed from that first time she... it denied me a place at her... its side. At times, I find my eyes upon her... it, and I know she... it feels me staring. I am almost certain others can see it in my eyes when I look at it... her. Others can see that envy, that desire, that hunger, in my eyes, and that scares me. Because in spite of all I've told myself, I know that she... it remains my weakness, my need, my ghost.

Dear God, if you will not allow me to have it... her, please, take it... her out of my mind and off of my heart.