Fear of Flying

After much self-denial, I finally admit it: The BrotherMan is afraid to fly.

And by flying, I don't mean I'm afraid to catch a plane from Texas to Arkansas, Albany, New York, or even out to Africa. By flying, I mean that I am afraid and maybe even clinging to something.

I was having a conversation with some graduate students down here the other day, and I was sharing with them my growing desire to remain at the University of Texas at Austin for a complete full year longer rather than for a semester, primarily to pursue a potential third degree. The very attractive graduate Sista who was involved in the conversation told me, What?! No, get out of here! Go! Leave! If you really want to stick around, just go to graduate school! The graduate Brother, however, asked me outright: What's really keeping you on campus? Are you staying because you don't know where you want to go, or are you staying because you're afraid to leave?

I admit, here and now, that perhaps I am afraid to leave campus. It's so ironic because I remember a faculty member on campus once said at a program I attended, You kids are so funny. You sit here talking about the whole time how much you can't wait to leave, but you always end up coming back. And it's true: so many UT graduates end up coming back to campus for one reason or another, whether it's to 'visit,' for a friend's graduation, for probates and commissioning ceremonies, for Texas Relays. I myself have already been contemplating coming back to the University of Texas when it hosts the Big XII Conference on Black Student Government in 2010.

I cannot stay at UT forever, that's obvious. And yes, some of my classes, I despise with a passion and truly believe them to be the Devil's own stepchildren. But I'd be sticking around for the community. I've said forever and a day all this year, that I will be leaving the (Black) community at UT behind after April; I'm throwing in the towel, retiring my jersey, and focusing on getting the hell out of here. That's what I said... The problem is, just as I'm taking the steps, really, to rip the S off of my chest and save myself (since no one else, in my opinion, is going to do it for me), something keeps pulling me back. In my opinion, my Black campus community is in a state of potential crisis; individuals are involved in Greek life or just paying dues and showing up one day out of the week at 7 PM or 6:30 PM to be in meetings just to be there. It got to a point where it came down to organizational elections and some people ended up declining their nominations on the election day. But the community doesn't care anymore: the people are not inclined to work with one another to solve their collective problems. They simply say, "come help me solve my problems"... but never once reach out to help with yours. This problem has been going on forever, but I could change that before I leave this campus...

So I am afraid of flying. I'm afraid to leave this campus environment because I've literally considered myself a 'caretaker' of the Black community. Maybe that's cocky of me, but damn it, I think I've earned the right: I'm more outspoken than I was as a freshman, and I guess I'm what you could call a student leader (in title, anyway). I am afraid to leave this environment where, at least, in my own eyes and in my mind, I have purpose. I am not the best leader on campus, or the man that every woman wants, but in the University of Texas at Austin Black Community, my opinion is valued; while I myself am not of value or even appreciated, perhaps some people need me around.

I am afraid that nothing I ever do in the real world will compare even slightly to what I've attempted to do in and for Black UT. I am afraid that, for all of my ambition, what if I fall short? What if I fail? Logically, how can you leave behind a place that is proven to believe in your ability to change things, for an unfamiliar world that will immediately brand you as just another face in the vast real world work force? I am afraid that I won't matter, because I think I do at UT.

I have strived, throughout my college career, to remain an individual who is humble yet available, someone that people can count on if they need something yet certainly someone fallible. I have strived to "trust (my)self when all men doubt me, but make allowance for their doubting too" (Rudyard Kipling). I cannot say for sure if I believe in Marianne Williamson's quote that I am "frightened by my own inner light"... but I know for sure, for all I have allegedly done at UT, I STILL feel inadequate; I have unfinished business here. I have yet to find that validation which would prove me otherwise. And really, maybe that's why I'm most afraid to fly: I don't want to go off into the world having finally found a reason to believe in myself and my abilities, only to find out that what I was really believing in was an illusion of who I believed myself to be... and that the real me ain't sh*t.

So, I wait... patiently yet longingly... for that seal of approval which will give me my wings.