Lost...

This is how I feel right now. Disoriented... a little afraid. A little like some of the things I've done or have attempted to do have amounted to nothing. I feel lost... I feel purposeless. I need motivation. I desire encouragement. I need direction. I hope for guidance.

Have you ever had a moment like that? Where it felt like, not necessarily that everything was 'crashing down,' but where pretty much everything was... not where you wanted it to be? Things had been falling out of place and out of order... and no matter what you tried to do to make things right, it seemed they never truly, truly fit.

This is where I am right now. And in this moment, I came up with this. Hopefully I'll be able to find what it is I'm looking for much, much sooner than later...
-----------------

I was moving along, head held high, and then I suddenly realized,
I didn’t really know the destination, didn’t know the reason why
I’m seeing me, and you in the distance
Still trying to figure out how we grew distant
Was it my fault? Did I push too hard, too soon,
Make you fade away from me like sunlight after a moon?
Was I overfocused on other aspects of life, seeking temporary relief,
so now I’m empty without you, stressed out with permanent grief?

When I thought I was working hard, was I really hardly at work,
On improving what we should have had, and putting you first?
Admittedly, I’m lost now, seeking out Amazing Grace,
Feel like I’m grasping in the dark, now that I don’t have the light in your face
And you are undoubtedly the type of person that cannot be replaced
So I’m calling out, asking that you simply returned
My heart’s gone colder, but my Soul’s Aflame
And I’m terrified that after all this time, you might not remember my name

So I’m reaching out now, hands extended,
Hoping it’s not too late for past mistakes to be presently mended
And then I fall to my knees,
It’s a vulnerable moment, perhaps, but I don’t care who sees
Because I’m questioning for the first time since maybe ever,
Was I pursuing what I wanted so bad, that what I needed has left me forever?
And I remember feeling always so certain whenever you were beside me
I remember how you made me stronger, never lied to or tried to fight me
I was so wrong, I see it now, you only wanted to right me
Dear God, I need you now: please, come back and guide me

Estoy Contento... for now

So, I'm trying a completely new concept: I'm going to have a 'music theme' for each blog post from this point forward. It'll probably always be an instrumental, so that way readers aren't distracted from what's being said. Try playing it along while you're reading, it should make things more interesting...

"I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength... even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams."

- Aunt May Parker, in the film Spider-Man 2

I just got done watching Spider-Man 2 for like the one hundred and thirty-eighth time. It's one of my all-time favorite superhero movies. The above quote is told by Aunt May to the man behind the mask, her nephew Peter Parker, when she is packing up the things from her old house. **spoiler alert!** Peter has basically become disaffected from being Spider-Man because the hero life has seemed to keep him unable to do ordinary things like homework and keeping a steady job, or even honoring commitments to show up for friends. Hence, he quits being Spider-Man for a period of time. Not surprisingly, the level of crime goes up in the city in Spider-Man's absence; and at one point, Peter, unable to ignore his destiny, drops everything to run into a fire and save a little girl in a burning building. At this point, as well, Peter finds out that the young woman he's been after forever and a day, Mary Jane Watson, is engaged to marry some rich dude. So Peter poses the question, "Am I not supposed to have what I want?" And then, the next day as Peter is helping Aunt May move things around to be moved, she drops this speech on him.

I could dissect this movie left and right with all the symbolism or metaphorical references I believe it contains, but I'm going to make the above quote relevant to this post... I am at a content point with my life right now. I'm learning to be appreciative of what I have, and not so much angry at what I don't have. My bills are paid, I either have food or have money to buy food, I'm waking up every morning, I'm becoming more available for friends. I was able to make two birthday shindigs for two consecutive weeks (at one of which I went ahead and put up extra money to try Japanese sake for the first time... definitely not for those unable to hold their liquor), and actually have money to celebrate with them for a change.

I'm trying to especially "give up the thing I want the most." The Nigerian Unicorn's birthday was on Thursday. One of her friends invited me out to some gathering that was being held at the Nigerian Unicorn's apartment. Now, you all know how apprehensive I've been about trying to get my friend back and not be put in that awkward position again. So I debated, and I debated and I wracked my brain... and I decided to hit and run: stop through the gathering, drop off a gift, and then leave ten minutes later, especially since I have a prior engagement in the form of "studying" (at least, that's the story I gave). The Nigerian Unicorn is, of course, absolutely gorgeous when she comes out of her bedroom to say hello. Her hair's in a new style, she's rocking the birthday outfit... for a second, I'm mesmerized and almost forget why I'm really there (to get the full effect of what I was going through, think Kerry Washington in that sultry black dress at the end of I Think I Love My Wife).

I manage to get in a photo op, and after sticking around for a few minutes, I head on out, but not before giving her my gift. I remembered back on one of our outings, she mentioned her favorite cartoon that she used to watch and had always wanted to see the ending to; as luck would have it, I was able to secure the first two seasons (basically, the only ones that matter for that particular cartoon lol) for $20 total. So I gave her those, and she looked genuinely happy and surprised... I even think I got that "You're really leaving?!" look in her eyes as she hugged me before I left. And hell yes, I did want to stay... but I figured it was better to be safe than overstay my welcome...

It's becoming easier to cope with the idea that I might not get to "have what I want" in the sense of the Nigerian Unicorn and one or two other things here at UT. I'm not "over her" by any means, but I'm basically "accepting something I cannot change," at least by not by myself. There's too much I need to focus on right now, between getting my grades right, running this student organization effectively, preparing for the LSAT, and overall getting myself right. Not to mention, I'm getting dinner cooked for me by a good friend this weekend, and I've offered to make her dessert.

Who knows, maybe The Nigerian Unicorn might end up pulling a Mary Jane Watson on me and actually one day be interested. So, I'm in a happy place, for now. Let's call it "blessed, but STILL not satisfied"... I don't know whether or not I'm supposed to have what I want. I know for sure that there are certain aspirations I want(ed?) to fulfill at UT that I will not have a chance to. But I am very thankful I do, at least, have what God knows I need...

"Imagining Me"

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning to work on becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen

The hardest thing about living in the world, in my opinion, is that there will always be something you desire to live up to. When we're younger, we are taught or teach ourselves to acquire role models. There are always people we "look up" to, and these people we look up to ultimately influence how we decide to plan our lives. Society buys into this desire and takes it one step further: it extends beyond admiration and idolizing, and places an image as an idealizing one. It is no longer enough to be using someone as a model by which or upon which you decide to base your own life, but you are, in fact, driven to become EXACTLY like a specific person. One can easily recall the original Michael Jordan marketing brand, which encouraged everyone to be "Like Mike." Individuals often became so obsessed or addicted to "the Jordan Brand," that they bought products with the Jumpman on the side and even sometimes became firmly convinced that there was something about those shoes or that jumpsuit that could upgrade their own game.

The truth is, however, with idolization comes a standard of perfection. The people who we use as "role models" become perfect images in our eyes of who or what we wish to become. And so when these people fall short, sometimes our dreams are crushed. Think back to the time, perhaps, when your dad couldn't fix one of your broken toys, or even when you beat him at a game of basketball or even at video games. In the latter case, you probably felt a surge of triumph because beating your pops basically equated to you officially being grown up. But at the same time, there's a loss of something. You still love your father, obviously, and he will always be special to you; but now that you've beaten him at something, your father is now your equal. You no longer hold him above you or see him as a standard.

A similar case can happen in terms of celebrities, and even in terms of 'ordinary people,' people like family, close friends, and mentors, whereby they hold an almost perfect image in your eyes until you catch them at a point of vulnerability. You catch a student leader on campus who you've always admired drunk and vomiting at a house party. A young lady you were always interested in, you see her dancing raunchily with a young man at a bar, or even hear tall tales about her 'getting around' on campus. A person who you respected as someone you could always depend and count on, you catch in the middle of a nervous breakdown at the school library. In all of these cases, your image of that person changes. Unconsciously, you create an identity for this person that is based on an image and not the person her or himself. We ultimately consciously or unconsciously crucify people just because they 'fall short' of our expectations or image of them.

This is ultimately where I find myself now. As a self-proclaimed (but community-appointed) student leader in his senior year on campus, I wonder in a sense if I've "outlived my time." Certainly, in many cases, people who have worked with me in the last two or three years have seen how I work under pressure; they've been exposed to seeing me not always show up on time for events, not always speak confidently and clearly in meetings, not always plan effectively and in a timely manner for organizational endeavors, always planning something for an organization but never quite being caught studying. I definitely feel as though my "stock" in especially the UT Black Community has fallen somewhat, and perhaps it's funny or even ridiculous that I put so much importance on this.

I'd like to believe that at one point, I too was a standard for campus leadership, for being a good man, for whatever. I cannot honestly say that I am anymore. But I'm slowly becoming... okay with that. When I say I'm becoming "okay," I don't mean that I'm settling for mediocrity in terms of student leadership or what have you. I am still a student organization Chair, and I am certainly employing my learned lessons from last year with this year's administration. I am becoming better and more disciplined at being on time and being organized and effectively planning. But I still make mistakes, I definitely still fall short of my expectations. What's changed, perhaps, is that... you could say I'm becoming okay with being myself. It's no longer about the image I carry on campus; it's a lot more about who respects me as is, without the filler, without the shirt and tie, outside of meetings and events. It's about being honest with myself about certain harsh realities (e.g., certain young ladies will only be attracted to certain particular groups of guys right now, knowing that I don't fit academic requirements to do certain things I wish to do), while also seeing these realities as potentially malleable facts. That is, I could do something to improve my situation, but I should only do it because I want to do it, not for others' sake.

I've given up on being perfect. I spent the last two decades trying to be that, and I've only really made myself always feel less than... probably because it's something I can never be. I realize that I can't be broken down... because I'm already broken, but I'm also fixable. It's up to me, however, to pick up the pieces. And now that I've accepted all this, there's a greater task at hand: becoming okay with and coming into who I am. As the Kirk Franklin song goes, it at first was definitely hard to see... but I may actually be heading "to a place of no insecurities/... and not letting people break me down... because I'm Imagining Me."

Stay tuned...

Loyalty/Respect

"Protect me from the enemy who has something to gain; and protect me from the friend who has something to lose." - T.S. Eliot

About 8 out of every 9 decisions I make in life are based on loyalty. So when we have student organization elections, I vote the person who was most loyal in my eyes: the person who was at meetings throughout the semester, the person who I saw giving effort as much behind the scenes as in the public eye. When it comes to people I associate with, I tend to 'size them up' in terms of loyalty as well. Who was there for me when it counted? Who called when I needed to be talked to or got worried? Who kept in touch and dropped lines and at least 'checked in' every once in a while?

In modern society, loyalty is undervalued and often unappreciated. We tend to see a person's appeal to others as opposed to their loyalty to people they legitimately call friends and family. And often, being ruthless and cutthroat is celebrated, much more often than being loyal. Look no further than some of our reality TV shows: on these shows, often times, the players will 'stab each other in the back' and build false friendships in the name of getting ahead. It is accepted that ours is a 'dog eat dog' world, and believed that you must eat... or be eaten. This boils down to values and value systems: what happens when someone you consider a friend stands in the way of what you're trying to accomplish? Or, what happens when you're put in a situation where your only opportunity to get ahead is to crush or replace a friend of yours in that spot? Do we place more importance on temporary positions, temporary paychecks, or lifelong friends?

Maybe I'm just being idealist. But have we really become THAT selfish as individuals? I wonder, in a sense, if we've just forgotten what it means to be dedicated. That's why people don't value or appreciate loyalty anymore, because dedication to people, to a cause, just doesn't exist or just isn't given any value in modern times. I wonder if that's because the current Black generation is so far removed from how things were back in the day. I think back to the time period of the Black Panthers, to the Civil Rights period marches, perhaps even as far back as slavery. My people, when placed in a position of desperation and a need to survive, were loyal to each other. Granted, you did have those Black overseers and those particular slaves who felt that "tattling" on certain slaves would gain them favor with their masters; and perhaps that, as well, reinforces how betrayal appears to be rewarded or encouraged. But in most cases, people worked together. There was shared trust, there was unbroken loyalty...

These days such trust and loyalty is, in my opinion, very rare. People will always let you down, people will always fall short of your expectations. You will let others down and fall short of their expectations, too. But is this justification for broken loyalty? If not, then what, if anything, is?

Just Venting II... The Conclusion (?)

"Now I'm all confused 'cause for you I have deeper feelings/
I thought it was cool to cross the line/
and I was convinced it would be alright/
Now things are strange, nothing's the same/
and really, I just want my friend back

My mind's gone halfcrazy/ 'cause I can't leave you alone..."

- "Halfcrazy," Musiq Soulchild

About the Nigerian Unicorn... again...

For the last week, I tried to train myself to be 'colder' around her. This entailed giving her 'drive-by hellos' without my usual sentiment, giving her half-assed hugs. It was necessary for me, because it made it easier for me to suppress my feelings around her. Granted, this never made the butterflies in my stomach stop fluttering. It never stopped the warm feeling I got within when I saw her smile. But I felt if I kept this going, if only for a time... I would learn to get over it, and it would start to mean less and less.

I spent the last two days formulating two plans. The first was to write her a letter, again detailing my feelings, voicing my frustration with the way she was treating me in light of my confession, and letting her know that I had never meant for it to seem like I was taking advantage of her. I had developed a habit, in the past, of 'waiting' to tell a young lady how I felt about her. It was waiting, I always felt, that had cost me my first opportunity to pursue the Nigerian Unicorn. So when I found out she was single again, I jumped at the chance to start making efforts to see her. In retrospect, what I should have done was assessed the situation and maybe considered that she had just broken up with her boyfriend. I don't take what I say about her lightly: she is an outstanding young lady, so I'm almost certain I wasn't the only person who came asking and voicing feelings. I needed her to know that I wasn't trying to take advantage of her; but was merely trying to not make the same mistake I did in waiting before.

The second plan, was to go all out for her birthday. The idea was to ask her best friend a few personal things about things and colors that meant something to her. Then, I would get three gifts for the Nigerian Unicorn based upon the information I got, making sure they were delivered to her at various times throughout the day. But I would do all this anonymously. This way, I would be able to share my true feelings and at least clear my head... all at the expense, of course, of her not knowing who I am. I couldn't do all this and tell her it was me, because almost certainly I'd find myself in the limbo I am in with her now, where I'm being avoided and not talked to and reduced to formalities.

So I had convos, with friends, about these plans. Ironically enough, two of the people who were urging me to go after her and that me not being Nigerian wouldn't matter; have now completely flipped and say I don't have a shot at her because I'm not Nigerian. A female friend who I consulted doesn't think the second plan is too bad. But my roommate ended up giving me a strong opinion I wasn't expecting: he also agreed that I should back away and leave her alone. He thought both plans had potential to backfire, and he believed I just plain screwed up going after her so soon.

I told you all before, I was so close to telling her I would be willing to move as slow or as fast as she would want to move, especially in light of her recent breakup. And y'all have no idea how hard this sh*t is going to be. But I think my roommate's right. I care so much about her; I pray about her every night hoping that she'll eventually get her heart's desire in an acceptance to her top choice post-graduate school.

But at the same time, I'm at that point right now where I just want my friend back. I miss her laughing with me. I miss her being able to feel like she can confide in me. I miss us just being able to do lunch. I hate feeling like I will never get that back just because I wanted to learn from history and voice my feelings before it was too late. And it looks like I won't even get to redeem our friendship, unless I just let this go. I want to tell her so bad. I want to clarify things. My roommate feels it's not clarifiable, that the Nigerian Unicorn will think I'm just saying stuff.

In the movie Gone in 60 Seconds, Memphis Raines, the main character, is always pursuing this car called "Eleanor," which he often refers to as "his unicorn" because every time the car is within his grasp, something happens that causes Eleanor to slip through his fingers. It appears that the name Nigerian Unicorn is all but befitting in light of this: I always wanted her to be my girlfriend. But now it looks like I'll have to turn my back on all of that, just to be able to have a shot at keeping her as a friend. Seems like no matter what I do, I just can't win. I'm definitely a little bit broken right now lol...

Just Venting...

So, about "her"... her being the Nigerian Unicorn...

I’ll tell what sucks the most. When you see her… sitting across from you, in the same room as you. You see the look in her eyes, the sparkling glint in her eyes that always manages to capture you. You hear her laugh, that same melodic laugh that wakes you up inside whenever you hear it. You see her laugh out loud, really hard, unable to prevent yourself from smiling, too, and you wonder if you ever made her laugh like that at least once in all the time that you’ve known her. You see that smile, that smile of hers that is always reassuring, always comforting, a smile that always makes you nervous, that makes you think ‘what if you were just close enough to touch her? Just once, what if you had been put in a position to do something for her, to her (in a good way, of course)? What if?’ You hear her participate in the discussions, offer very intelligent and insightful comments. You are slightly frustrated because you see the way she looks at certain other guys, the helpfully needy “What do we need to do now?” look that she gives one of the event coordinators; the assessing “So what do you have to OFFER me?” look that she gives to the freshmen and sophomore guys that try to engage her; the knowing “I SO know your experience” look that she gets in her eyes whenever she speaks to her fellow Nigerians.

It sucks because you know, at this point, that she’s not the one you’re meant to spend the next little bit of time with. It sucks because you thought she was. It sucks because, for this entire time, you’ve told yourself and have been all too willing to be content with the fact that the only reason you never got your shot with her, is because you didn’t want to enter into a losing battle. You know about the culture, you know how things are and can be. You didn’t want to put yourself in a position whereby you knew how you felt about her, but you knew she was possibly bound by her heritage to where she was biased towards men of her own culture. So, back when you were younger, you chose a friend of hers over her, because you didn’t want to enter that losing battle. In retrospect, you were immature and possibly should have just asked her outright; but the culture, the culture was the crushing blow to you.

It sucks because you realize, now more than ever, that even as you’re trying to get her out of your system, you’ll have to work with her every week. You’ll run into her on occasion, because you’ll both be doing the work you’ve been called to do, in coincidentally (or not so coincidentally) the same place. It sucks because you care about her. You really, really care about her… but based on her responses, her actions as she sat across from you at this event, the fact that, after your confession, she didn’t return a phone call or, when you sent her a text, she didn’t return that either, after you told her it was you… you’re starting to get the impression that maybe, just maybe, you never really had a shot at all. You’re starting to think that it was just in your imagination. And if you liking her, means that she has to ignore you, avoid casual conversation with you, then you have to teach yourself to keep your feelings held back. Because the reality is, she’s been amazing. She’s been absolutely amazing as a friend to you. And really, that’s why you fell in serious like with her in the first place: because you were friends first, because she seemed to at least be concerned about you. Her friendship has to come first, because she keeps you grounded. She doesn’t know it, but her subtle references, her small appreciative words and phrases… he knows she considers herself shy, and that’s why he values that even more, because at least to her, he’s good enough to cross that shyness barrier. You’ve just never been good enough to break down or stand up to the wall that is her culture, and because of this, you’re trying, Lord knows you’re trying, to accept that God doesn’t want her in your life romantically. You definitely hope this is not the case; but all signs seem to reiterate that this is EXACTLY the case.

Maybe, Am I Doin' Too Much?

*yes, for the record, that title is a play on the Paula DeAnda song of the same name...*

Real talk: Sometimes The BrotherMan wonders if he's doing too much... not (just?) with the Nigerian Unicorn, but with people in general.

A friend of mine once told me, "We need more people around like you"; I asked her why, and she simply said, "Because you care." In recent weeks, I've had to ask myself if maybe I care too much.

Let me explain. I've recently signed on to become a Co-Chair of a student organization (I know, I know); I came to the decision to do so primarily because I wanted to limit the [Greek letter] organizational lockdown that the organization had kept on its executive board every since my freshman year, and also because I wanted to bring a fresh new look to that particular organization. But we're having meetings over summer, and it's not that they're piling up, but it's definitely taxing. Add that to the fact that I'm trying to involve myself with our upcoming New Student Lock-In (as this might be my first opportunity EVER to go as an upperclassmen and directly work with our freshmen), and also hold down a summer job, and you can almost certainly notice that mine is a busy schedule.

Now, I've held down multiple organizational positions before, I've performed not so much excellently as decently under pressure usually... but I guess what makes this recent year so much harder than others, is the fact that I've tried to give a lot of myself to individuals too. There are some people I don't mind going out of my way for. My family, my closest friends, my roommate, my mentees, the Nigerian Unicorn, the people I care about... I absolutely would do what I can within my means to give nearly anything to them. But as of recent times, I've had to challenge and question where my motives and motivations lie with regards to giving myself to people who stand outside of the aforementioned categories.

For example, I think about the UT Black Community at large. I think one thing I was always motivated by, in the past anyway, was a sense of entitlement. Not like I actually "owned sh*t," but I at least felt like I did, like I had some purpose, and that was enough. So when it came down to events going on, especially Black community events, I felt I needed to be there. I felt I needed to be around. At times, I got affirmation in the sense that, when I wasn't around or wasn't able to make it to a particular place or event, people asked me outright, "We didn't see you at (event name here). Where were you/what happened?" The problem, perhaps, is that now I'm starting to question my relevancy; and if I don't feel relevant to a group of people or an individual's solution to a problem, then why add myself into the particular equation?

I've been tired, drained recently. And it's so funny, because freshman and sophomore year, I swear I could do all that I'm doing now and still be laughing it up and be energetic. But I'm not a freshman or a sophomore anymore. 22 feels ancient. And in a sense, my motivations for what I do have somewhat changed too. I realized that I thrive on a need to feel important, wanted, or really, just popular. I need that affirmation. Popularity, I felt, dictated that I keep in touch with certain people, try to talk to certain people for a certain amount of gain. Therein lied the problem, however: I was only talking to or engaging these people because of what I wanted to get from them. I became disgusted in myself for perpetuating the problem. This was the reason I decried certain practices of Greek lettered or student governing body organizations: because they required or 'encouraged' new membership to 'know the right people' and say the right things just to get a particular award or trophy.

Upon realization of this fact, I adopted a policy of, "I don't care if they care, I just want them to know I care." So I started trying to engage people, started trying to be available, started trying (sometimes failing) to be timely and around when I felt my presence could be at least reassuring if not comforting. But then I started to realize how taxing and tiring it became, especially when I never got that affirmation. Like just once, a few times, I would have really appreciated someone returning the favor or putting at least half the energy towards me as I put towards them. I guess I started to realize that when you seek out affirmation in others, you're very rarely going to get it... yet that hasn't seemed to stop me from seeking it, unfortunately in select groups of people. Though I certainly appreciate the feeling I get when I help other people, that sense of confidence and self-assurance, the warmth I feel when someone smiles or hugs me tightly because of something I've done for or said to them... I am wondering how much I can continue to do this, and keep going without that affirmation. And while I realize, know in the back of my mind that the only REAL person whose affirmation I should be seeking is God's, it's hard to do what you feel called to do when there aren't people around you affirming what you do, too.

When people have a problem (and said problem is usually addiction to something), they are often referred to a "12 Step Program." The first step is admitting you have a problem. So I'm on Step One right now: I admit that am addicted to helping others. I am addicted to wanting to be available, to wanting to be needed, to wanting to be wanted by others. I admit that I am finally at a point where I am asking myself, "Can I keep doing this?" Not because I don't like the work, not because I don't want to be around; but because it seems no one is meeting me halfway, and that causes me to ask if the work I am doing is being done in vain. I admit that I am starting to no longer see a point in giving 100% of myself, to people who only give me 10% of themselves. I admit that this hurts me more than anything else has ever before. I admit that I have a problem.

Faking It...

Good leaders, or anyone who intends to be a leader for that matter, need to know how to fake it.

It’s not easy being the ‘go-to guy’ for certain issues and situations; everybody wants to be a chief, but not everyone is prepared for chief-like responsibilities. People start depending on you for many things, and as situations get increasingly bad, you’re the person everyone else looks to. You bear the burden not just for your own public image, but for the image of other people associated with a particular organization, as well as the organization or group itself.

So how does this relate to 'faking it'? Well, on the one hand, you have to always carry yourself a particular way. This means maintaining and controlling your emotions in a given environment. You have to literally 'check yourself at the door.' This serves a two-fold purpose: on the one hand, if you enter into a meeting or event and you're angry, irritated, or frustrated, you don't want to show it. It prevents people from asking uncomfortable questions ("are you okay?" "did something happen?" "you look (insert adjective here)"), prevents you from having to answer said questions, and also prevents you from taking out your emotions on others. It's never a good look to snap at someone in public just because things aren't going your way. On the other hand, it might allow you, if only for a few precious moments, to imagine you actually do feel happy or whatever emotion you're trying to fake in public.

You have to fake goodwill, as well. This means sometimes you have to be available to and willing to work with certain people who you might not be able to tolerate, or who you feel might not be able to tolerate you. Ideally, you get to a mental compromise point whereby you tell yourself, "The cause isn't personal/the cause is bigger than what we have going on". In a sense, this is somewhat treacherous: a person might find her or himself questioning, perhaps outright, whether an invite to a particular event or occasion by someone she or he has never been on the best of terms with, is made out of pity and not out of genuine desire to have you around.

Lastly, you've got to be able to fake confidence. This is much easier for some people than others. The reality is, soldiers don't want to go marching into battle with a general who doesn't make them feel like they have a shot at winning the battle. It's like the people you're working with are saying, "I trust you with my life/image/reputation"; you really can't afford to let these people down. Ironically, leaders are often elevated to a point beyond mere humanity; in essence, they become the 'standards,' the examples for everyone else to follow. So you have to be self-assured in your capabilities, in your actions. Confidence is probably the hardest of all the aforementioned things to fake, because you know your flaws. You know what you are and aren't capable of. But they don't... and hence you have that to your advantage in a given situation.

If you get to a particular point where you DON'T have to fake what you do... if you are GENUINELY confident, genuinely able to offer goodwill to people, and genuinely able to maintain a certain image in varying environments, then by all means, you've mastered what it means to be a good person. But perhaps, this is why people always claim politicians and leaders are liars - they don't lie because they want to, they lie because they have to. They "lie" to others to fit an image that people have imposed upon them. Or they "lie" to themselves, in order to appropriately fit the image they so desperately desire to have.

I'm a Cool Outrageous Brother of Uniquely Raw STYLE!

You heard it hear (here - double pun! triple word score!) amongst the first:

I really never intended to make mine a 'media blog,' but this was a rare deliciously and painfully hard musical moment. I promise you this will be one of the bangers of the summer.



Kanye singing, Andre rapping, and incredible choreography on an ol' school + new school beat. Bump it, enjoy it, adore it, respect it.

G(r)O(w)ing... An Update

These last few weeks or so have been interesting to say the least, but I figured I'd update you on what's going on personally with me before I start waxing my usual philosophical.

This week was kinda rough: I missed class twice (on the last week of school). Granted, today, I was trying to show up late since I had to finish my paper due today. I managed to arrive just in time... for the Course Instructor Surveys. Ooooh boy... Lesson learned: procrastination is only fun for so long. I guess I really can't keep doing things at the last minute to the point where I'm caught in a hard place when the last minute's up. At least the paper's turned in, and I have my final journal conference for tomorrow... we're striving for a 'A,' but in light of today's absence, I'll all too gladly take a 'B.'

I had to miss work the same day I had class due to a stomach virus. That's either Wendy's or the campus cafeteria's fault... nonetheless, I was out of a decent four hours added to my paycheck, but I won't complain. Jamba's giving me 14 hours to make up for my loss this weekend, so I look forward to next Thursday's paycheck for real, if for nothing else than to get in a little self-indulgence: going to see the IMAX Version of The Dark Knight, and most definitely I have full intentions of getting up on Jean Grae's 2008 re-release of The Jeanius Album. (This will be the first legit album I buy since I copped Lupe's "The Cool"... Nas's "Untitled" might join that group).
I decided to make it happen and do lunch with the Nigerian Unicorn. She had me critique her personal statement for medical school, which was pretty damned good, by the way. Her essay just reminded me of how much substance there is to her and what she does and is trying to do with her life, and reaffirmed how I felt about her. I got caught up a bit with her life and brought her to speed a bit with mine. And I think I'm going to back down from telling her in a letter and may just tell her face-to-face, in person, at the end of July. I'm waiting until the end of the month so that we way we still have an opportunity to hang together once or twice before I drop my words (and hence, so my words/feelings won't come off too 'out-of-nowhere').

Oh, and I found out today that I can't cash my grandmother's check. Damn... that's $50 I never got to enjoy. Dah welp, just means the haircut will have to be pushed back to Thursday. Here's hoping I don't have an exorbitant electric bill to pay lol...

Strength...

"I know why you're here... I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for it. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when I was found, I was told I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us... It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did."

- Trinity, in the 1999 film The Matrix


What drives you? From whence do you derive your strength? When you are down, and so close to out, what is it that makes you get back up and keep on fighting, even as it seems the odds are against you?

Over the last couple of weeks, I've had to ask myself that question. It's definitely been challenging, balancing summer school and work, while also living off-campus. Discipline takes work, and at times, I just don't think I could keep going.

But I think about my faith. Once in a student organization meeting, during a portion of the meeting during which the organization's Spiritual Development chair delivers a potent spiritual message, the chair told us, "God never gives us more than we can handle... but sometimes we give us more than we can handle." Only recently have I started to really assess the value within this statement. My life has never been more challenging. In the past, I would have used the word 'difficult,' but what I'm doing now, walking to most places, having to catch the bus an hour early on weekends to get to work on time... that's not difficult compared to what other people have to go through on a daily basis. I keep in mind, that every day I wake up is because The Creator feels there is more work that must be done, and I'm thankful for that. I just got paid yesterday, and half my check has to go towards the electric bill; such is the price of living off campus (granted, with two extra roommates in a two-bed/two-bath apartment, but we're making it do what it do... lol). But this is good practice for how it might be when I'm off in the real world, or even when I'm off at grad or law school...

Then I think about my family. Things have been harder than ever with them because I have to mainly communicate with them through email. Somehow, I've got to find a way to stack enough money to get a working backup phone line going; not a house phone, but probably like a "Pay-As You Go" phone to use for emergency situations like these when I can't really get my phone bill situation set up like I need to. I realize now that I must strive to keep in better touch with my family whenever my phone is on. I also realize that part of the reason I can't quit is because I have people counting on me. My younger sisters mean the absolute world to me. If nothing else, I miss talking to them the most. The oldest younger sister, the 16-year-old, she has an email so I can always write her; but the younger one, the one turning 9 in August, it's not so simple with her. I think what I might start doing is maybe writing her short letters or sending her cards every week so she knows I haven't forgotten about her in spite of me not being able to call. They're counting on me to succeed in college, to set the example for them to follow. I can't let them down, and I don't intend to.

Then I think about my friends. In recent weeks, I had to reassess my idea of who my friends really are. For sure, I've always known I had acquaintances; and while for sure, one of my goals over the summer's duration is to get better acquainted with some of my acquaintances on a more personal basis, one thing I definitely want to work on is building and rebuilding some of the friendships I already have. One thing I realized this year, as I watched many of my friends who I came in with (back in '04) graduate in May, was that I never really spent that much time with them. Like, they often took road trips, they often barhopped... I only tagged along every so often. And while I would love to make the case that "I couldn't hang because I didn't have a car/I don't drink like them"... I certainly should have done better at trying to be more available to hang. I've done more hanging out with people who care about me in the last month and a half than I think I did in the last two years. It's that serious. I also had to check my motivations and my loyalties. I had to realize that I was going all out for some people who were only giving me 50 or even 25 percent; I had to recognize that I was possibly doing the exact same to people who were giving me 100 percent. Not that I'm trying to beat myself up... but definitely I need to work on being a better friend. Because whenever I was going through the fire, it was my real friends, who got me through and kept me going.

Lastly, I think about my motivations. I went through so many changes this past school year; I matured, not to the point where I can say I'm a man just yet, but to the point where I can say I'm no longer a boy. There's a saying that goes, "People will commit to what they care about." I care about being involved in Black UT; I know that I need to maintain a certain integrity about myself, in the classroom as well as in meetings and downtown to effectively give back to that community. I'm again contemplating a Chair position because now I know the routine, I know the motions; I am prepared for the challenges it will bring. I'm after this Chair position partially because I feel it will affirm my strengths and allow me to rebuild what I may have lost prematurely last year as a President; but primarily I want the position because it will put me in a position to do better. And I'm taking my butt to class; I have three absences already (one of them, justified, the other was a wasted day that was supposed to be for 'catching up'... discipline, gotta get it under the belt), but I'm doing the work and taking my butt to class more often.

Women wise, my motivations have changed too. There will always be a part of me that will want to appeal to the opposite sex the way my peers do. But sooner or later, I'm going to have to realize that "I can only be me"... and the women in my life will have to accept that or move on. I've been checking myself more often; the stuff really tends to hit the fan when an individual I'm attracted to just really doesn't feel me the same way. I've gotten that a lot over the past year and a half, but I'm trying to not let that set me back too much. And I still flirt, but I'll be/have been writing letters to certain females just to reassure and encourage them and also to, you could say, right certain wrongs. That Nigerian sista I mentioned in a previous post and that Christian/Godly-minded sista I mentioned, they're all getting one (I wanted to wait on writing the Nigerian sista and tell her at graduation, but I'm trying to kill the procrastination. Besides, waiting til 'the right time' is overrated). Besides, I'd rather give them letters of closure than be haunted by possibilities and missed opportunities like I'm being now. I also had to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing by not settling on a particular young lady. Not even gonna lie, y'all: I'm so close to just giving in at times and asking the other Nigerian sista I mentioned out, but I don't want to do that until I KNOW I'm legitimately attracted to her for her and not because I just want someone around. I left a young lady hanging last week when we were supposed to meet for lunch because I was tired and didn't give her the greatest of notices (I told her over facebook about 45 minutes before we were supposed to meet). So hopefully I can repair that. I'm getting used to the idea of female 'friends,' especially when it boils down to female friends with boyfriends. That's that hard stuff, for real, especially when you're attracted to the particular young lady with the boyfriend; so, not to flatter myself, but I have to check my language and speak more appropriately and with the proper respect to her and her man at times. It's different, but I suspect this year, I'll become tolerant of it, if not accepting of it. OH, and most important lesson of all: if you don't ask, you won't know. I've been asking more often, been more bold with it. At times it sucks when she says, "yeah, I actually do have a boyfriend," but it's always better to know...

This is what keeps me going. Family, true friends, faith... changed motivation. A consistent need to prove myself to myself as much as everyone else. I like to say I'm always restless because I'm never satisfied... but now I think I'm always restless because I just don't go to bed at a decent hour lol. Nah, but for real, sleep habits outside of tonight, have changed too. And while I'm not yet satisfied, I'm accepting that what I want has to take a backseat for what God knows I need. And perhaps, just perhaps... I'll get what I want again, but when God wants me to have it this time, when God knows I am ready for it, as opposed to last time when I tried to snatch it all at the wrong time.

Alright, time to go write letter one to that Godly-minded sista. Not 'M,' 'J' (the Godly woman I mentioned back in the 'G(r)o(w) Time' post). Though, mind you, I should prob write 'M' too, because she's been going through some things, from what I've heard; if possible, dear readers, pray for 'M's' clarity. One of the strongest women I know, but she's going through it...

Thanks for listening. I'll be back before I know it... in the meantime, ask yourself (and learn to answer): What drives you?

Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure...

*sidenote: the above title is borrowed from the video game of the same name... have never played this game, but the title was definitely relative in my case lol*

I've been more than AWOL for what's a little over a month now :(... had a few personal things going on with my rent and trying to get my finances right for summer school (which starts today), and so that was definitely keeping me just a bit over-stressed out. There was a point for sure where I was definitely, definitely in a serious state of depression and discontent, because it seemed like things just kept piling up and I had nowhere to turn and no solutions in sight.

But as the saying goes, ours is an "On Time God," and the Creator definitely came through and made things fall into place for me, so at least at the current moment, my bills are paid, I have food in the pantry, and my job is supplying me with a relatively steady income. The only gripe, perhaps, that I really have is that I have to pay my roommate back for covering my half of the rent last month... and that definitely might keep me from 'stacking up my money' like I intended to all summer, at least for the month of June. Oh, and summer school starts today. Right now, I'm taking one class on loan money from financial aid. That may become two classes, depending on my discipline and whether or not I can afford it.

I will say, though: The struggle was/is hard, harder than I thought it would be. I still don't know where my money's going to come from to pay for all my textbooks (lol), but I've learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks. The single most important thing, if anything, that I've learned (and am still learning) about this current "Summer of Struggle" is that you can always sit around and be in the dumps about a situation... but it takes a lot more effort to actually pull yourself up off of the couch and out of the bed and tell yourself, "this is what needs to be done, and I'm going to do it."

Things changed a lot when I stopped saying, "Man, I'll never get out of this" and stopped dwelling on the dates I set up with young women that couldn't happen because I didn't have money to go out, or that I didn't capitalize on any opportunities. Instead, as hard as it was, I busted my butt off literally to get out of the hole. I bussed around to loan places, most of which denied me based on my meager wages with Jamba Juice at the time. My mother came through for me as best as she could in terms of helping out with the finances, which wasn't much but which was definitely more than I had. I'm about to get a serious hours increase at my job for the month of June, to where when I'm not in class, more than likely, I'll be at work (except on Tuesdays... MUST be home on Tuesdays at 8 PM for THE MOLE). And I'm teaching myself discipine - in the last three days, I've gone to bed at 12:30 or 1 AM and gotten up at about 7 or 7:30 AM. Hell, this morning, I'm up at 6:30. I may actually try and get in an extra hour of sleep when I'm done writing this lol. And I went to the gym twice in the last three days. The BrotherMan is definitely getting on that Project Uplift (Weights lol).

But I'm definitely in a process of... to paraphrase the theme of the 2006 Big XII Conference on Black Student Government so aptly put it, Construction After Destruction. No word yet on whether or not I am really on that road to 'becoming a man,' but for sure, I'm definitely more disciplined. I've also vowed to be more direct and bold in my approaches with professors, people, friends, and, yes, especially the young women I'm attracted to. I've been sending off my 'congratulatory graduation letters' to graduating seniors and will be working hard this weekend on completing those, plus 'congratulations/keep on pushing' letters for my favorite particular freshman students and mentees. I actually spent a lot of time over the last few weeks making an effort to engage and hang with many of my friends who are graduating and leaving Austin this month (perhaps it was a poor use of my money, but it was by far some of the best use of my time ever... will definitely miss many of those people). And today's paycheck, sadly, will definitely be going towards paying, at the very least, some of what I owe Anthony, replacement of the gym key I lost yesterday (Note to self: now that the buses are running more frequently, just go to the gym in your clothes, rather than bring your whole backpack there. That way, nothing has to get locked up and you don't misplace the key lol)... and I'm definitely splurging and getting a haircut today or tomorrow. Would PARTICULARLY love to splurge and go book shopping too, but... well, let's see how much the paycheck is and go from there, because for all I want to do, there is definitely slightly more I NEED to do. Who knows, perhaps today or even when I get paid two weeks from now, I'll finally get to open up a small savings account...

Anyway, it's 7 AM. Time to get back on the grind... or is that, get on it like never before for the first time? Do believe, The BrotherMan is back, and for these few moments, as Yolanda Adams put it so well, thanks largely in part to the Creator giving me discipline and a newfound sense of resolve and determination, I'm slowly finding 'The Victory' in more ways than one...

G(r)O(w) Time...

Be careful what you ask for... because you just might get it.

Looking back, I have to say if this had legitimately been my 'Senior Year' (I'm now staying in undergrad for a full year longer to complete my second degree and devote more focus to LSAT preparation in the fall), I would have been pissed. Seriously... everything I undertook, everything I went after, it seemed like it ended in complete failure or something close to it, with the exception of one of my Constitutional Development government courses. I was less than pleased with my performance in the classroom, in my student organizations, and even in my personal life.

I thought that last year was really difficult because I had lost my great-grandfather. But I was so unprepared for the challenges that would come at me this year. For the first time ever, I was truly on my own. I was living off-campus, having to make sure I paid bills on time and having to remember to keep the groceries stocked and fresh. I was paying my own phone bill, and took on the added burden of having to pay for an extra line for my younger sister, as well. I couldn't exactly call home for money because I would have had to have listened to the usual spiel from my moms about, "I'm going to try to send you money, I'm going to try to send you money"... but knowing my mother's all too rigorous work schedule, I knew the money would either never come, would come way too late past the time I needed it most, or would come in a much smaller amount than I expected it to. Not to mention, because I didn't have a steady job or income, my new cell phone was off a lot more than it was on.

The burdens increased because my apartment was 20 minutes out from campus, and I had to catch a bus. I was thinking that I could still get up 30 minutes before class or meetings, catch the bus, and make it just in time to class or meetings... and learned later that I had to factor in heavy traffic periods between my apartment and the campus. I was more tired than I had ever been before in my life, so I slept through class and meetings. And what I had hoped would be my greatest triumph, being the President of the student organization I had involved myself with since freshman year, ended up becoming my greatest frustration, because my Executive Board had poor communication skills and being off-campus meant I had to depend on my mentee for rides or show up late to events and meetings waiting on the bus.

From a relationship standpoint, the young woman I found myself increasingly falling for left for grad school in Lubbock in December. I had honestly wanted to pursue something with her, but wasn't sure if the distance would pose an issue. Further, I found my attentions being pulled in two opposite directions: 1) in the direction of a young woman whom I've admired and respected since our freshman year, but whom I never had the chance to outright ask out and hang out with; and 2) in the direction of a young woman who I was always attracted to, but who I could never see myself going after because I had spent a year trying to help one of my boys hook up with her. I ended up abandoning the "Scrabble Mistress" heading to grad school for young woman #1 (we'll call her "Taylor"); and "Taylor" shut me down relationship wise... but young woman #1 was also really big on saying that, "I'm not in a relationship season right now, but I really still want to hang out with you." Now I'm thinking that maybe I made a wrong move stepping away from the "Scrabble Mistress," but there's really no way to remediate that at this point...

As for young woman #2... it's a tough call, y'all. I'm truly attracted to her, but the situation is too eerily similar to something that happened my junior year. Young woman #2 reminds me too much of "The Nigerian Unicorn," the strong, level-headed, ambitious, intelligent, gorgeous Nigerian Sista I was pursuing but who I stepped away from primarily because I didn't know if she preferred another Nigerian dude over somebody like me.

And now there's a Sista #3 and Sista #4. Sista #3 is in my department (English), she's really cool people and the one time we did get to hang out, it went really well, at least to me. But "C" (as we'll call her) is SO HARD to keep in contact with, much less to set up times to hang with. I really want to get to know her more, but if we don't get too many chances to hang... As for Sista #4, she's a sophomore. "G" has a gorgeous smile and makes me laugh... however, I think I moved in on her too soon asking her out to lunch and now it appears she's avoiding me. I hope that can be remediated, because I would certainly love to at least be good friends with her before I graduate.

Ironically enough, though, as disappointed in me, myself, and I, as I am, when I look back on the year in review, it's easy to see God gave me everything I asked for. I asked for a girlfriend, or rather, a Godly woman to come into to my life and bring substance into it. I got that, twice, I think, in "Taylor" and especially in "The Scrabble Mistress"; but on both occasions, I dropped the ball. I asked to be President of my student organization; I got that too, but hadn't fully taken into account the amount of accountability and growth that would demand of me, especially being off-campus. I asked for popularity; I got that... but perhaps, I was so involved, so well-known, that it cost me the opportunity to cultivate my closer friendships and spend more time with the people I care about the most who are going to be graduating soon. I asked to be respected; I think I got that, but I think in the process of trying to be this always professional guy, I turned off a lot of people because they thought I was too 'uppity' or 'unapproachable.'

At this moment, at this point in time, though, I'm so disappointed in who and where I am. I should be doing so much better. I'm trying to get hired at this job down here in Austin to make an effort to get myself a steady income going, and I slept through two shifts, didn't have a phone so I couldn't call in late to tell the boss. He's giving me a third shot, which I'm too thankful for, but he basically told me, "I can't count on you." My roommate told me as much back in January: I know if I needed something from you, you would bend over backwards for me, but I don't think I could trust or count on you to come through if I needed you to show at a specific time or place for me. That sh*t hurt... a lot... because I had always considered myself the type of person who could be counted on and respected. But both my boss-to-be and my roommate were just being real with me... they knew, as I do, that I was capable of better.

Maybe this is me being harsh on myself... I admit that I am my own worst critic. But I can do that, because it means I'll be prepared for what anyone has to say about me if I know my own shortcomings. As the great Rudyard Kipling put it, "...trust yourself when all men doubt you/ but make allowance for their doubting too..."

So this is it. This is proof... that this is G(r)O(w) Time. If nothing else, one thing I learned this year, is that The BrotherMan needs to grow up. The BrotherMan needs to get in "GO" mode and grind like he never has before. It's time for me to be more of the man I claim to be and stop falling short, time to stop making excuses and being so apologetic. To quote someone who I view as a mentor and friend, perhaps like an uncle I never had who was always there advising, It's time for The BrotherMan to 'stop trying to be the man and BECOME a man.'

Nobody Not Really/Something Missing

Maybe I'm invisible to the world/
Does anyone in the world even think of me?
As more than just a hopeless cause
Maybe the world is not my block...

I'm alone in a big empty space with/ Nobody not really

- "Nobody Not Really," by Alicia Keys, from The Diary of Alicia Keys album

Here's the real talk: I'm starting to feel lonely.

I won't be too quick to place the blame on other people or make the usual 'these women just don't know what they're looking for/they don't know a good man when they see one' whiny argument. I accept, to an extent, that my loneliness is my own fault.

I admit, that I've been seeking some form of validation, some kind of sign... perhaps someBODY whose presence would affirm the work that I've done or tried to do these last few years. It's weird because, just recently, I've been feeling exceptionally depressed and unfulfilled. I consider myself a very humble person, but I honestly thought and hoped that a lot of the work I did, especially on campus, would culminate in some type of recognition or award. And now that I'm a senior... and about to graduate... and the awards are starting to roll in... it appears that none of the accolades are coming in my direction. I admit that for "all I've done," there were two things I fell short with: my GPA and building relationships. With regards to the first, I'm not in a state of crisis, but I'm not academically comfortable either. My GPA isn't high enough to meet the minimum 2.5 that is required to apply or be eligible for many of the leadership accolades I hoped to attain.

On the second shortcoming, it appears none of the opposite sex are coming in my direction, either. Now, I'm a firm believer in the idea that the time the Creator keeps you single is a growing season, to be used and spent for building the best possible you, you could be in a future relationship. But I'm 22... and I've been in only one relationship. That lasted only three days; I broke it off because I told her she deserved better. And it was true: she deserved better because, not to take away from the qualities she did have, but I was essentially settling on her because, at the time, I really just wanted a girlfriend. And I deserved better than her because she had too many personal issues going on that I wasn't prepared to deal with being only 17 at the time.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not so lonely to where I'm desperate, where I'd be putting myself in a position of 'settling' again. But... I feel ready now. I want that relationship. I want to matter to someone. I want to be important to someone. I want to be able to call someone up out of the blue just because I was thinking about her. I know that it won't always be blue skies and lily-layered fields, but I want that, too. I want those problem times that will challenge us and test us and show one person how the other deals with pressure so we can prepare for that together in the future.

I want something similar to what Neo and Trinity had in The Matrix series. The love between the two of them was unselfish, sacrificing, passionate, pushing. I want a love where my woman is to me the way Trinity was to Neo: Trinity understood that Neo was called to do something greater and larger, and she accepted that and was willing to sacrifice and step away and let him do his thing because she knew that's what he was meant to do. I want to be to my woman what Neo was to Trinity: Neo knew that and respected that Trinity knew he had a lot of people vying for his attention, but at the end of the day, she occupied his every thought, his every action. Neo was motivated to fight for Trinity, not because of what she looked like or what she "symbolized," but simply because she was Trinity, nothing more, nothing less. I want to care about someone so much to where I'm willing to dig deep inside of that person to revive them just as it seems they're about to die (at the 0:52 mark), because she matters more than I do. I want to be able to make a young lady happy. I have always been told "you're such a great guy/friend, we need more guys like you, but..."; I want that sentence, without the conditional ‘but’.

A young woman whom I value a great deal once told me (about someone she cared about), "I felt like he was my destiny. The person God had created years ago to help me grow and love me and teach me how to love and how to grow up and that I was supposed to love and care for." That's really it, exactly. I want to be that to someone. I want someone to instill a similarly genuine emotion in me.

I am tired of being stuck in my predicaments, with my demons, with my failures, with my successes... and sharing them with 'nobody, not really' but myself or my family. I want... more.

Seduction and Second-Guessing

"There's times when it's easy to lose control
there's times when you get plain lost...
But if you let someone else dominate your mentality,
Be prepared to pay the cost.


I was seduced by another man's image of me
Seduced by another man's feelings
I was seduced by another man's fantasies
Until I forgot what's me."

- From "Seduced, by Derek Harper"; in the novel Seduced: The Life & Times of a One-Hit Wonder by Nelson George

In a sense, I appreciate being unaffiliated. And by unaffiliated, I mean I don't have any 'ties' to national organizations or major well-known social entities.

This past weekend was Texas Relays weekend in Austin, Texas; basically, during those four days from Thursday to Sunday, Black people from all over the country come down to indulge in the track meets on the UT campus and, most especially, for the many parties, free barbeques, and drink specials. While attending some of these Relays events, it dawned on me that maybe some people were only attending 'out of affiliation.' Granted, in many cases, you'll have people that come to your events/shows/social gatherings because they're a friend (or a friend of a friend) of one or all of the hosts of the event, and they come out to show support. But also in some cases, you have people who feel obligated to come out because they're affiliated with the hosts or hosting social entity.

Sadly, I'm starting to think that affiliations can put a disclaimer on relationships or friendships. I realize that there are some people who try to gain access to these well-known national organizations or social entities for the networking benefits or because they feel they have something to contribute to the as-much-as-a-century-long-legacies of these organizations. And I do take into account that there is a question of access involved: that is, as in many areas of life, what you do, and especially how you go about doing what you do, will expose you to different people and different walks of life that others might not be able to meet or see. As a person who's involved on campus, I've done quite a bit. In a sense, I, too, have indulged in this 'benefit for affiliation,' in that being involved with a large student governing body on campus, I was almost always invited to this "Student Leader Reunion" in the spring hosted by the Vice President of Student Affairs. And every year that I've attended this reunion, there are always more than a handful of individuals whom I personally consider to be student leaders (many much more so than myself) who are not present or whose names are not on any of the nametags available at the check-in table.

Relating this back to Relays weekend, I saw a number of affiliated individuals at parties who were very attractive, but who shut down members of the opposite sex almost immediately before turning to engage another affiliated individual. In the Black campus community, I've never really found myself in a position whereby I've had to question whether what I've done or the accolades I've received or the positions I've been elected to are a byproduct of my affliation with one major organization or another. I can appreciate that, because it means I never have to question myself or my motives.

It is easy, on a college campus, to be 'seduced' by the images of people affiliated with one social group or another. It is easy to fantasize and picture yourself mingling with the members of this group, wearing the logo of this group on a weekly basis, being proud to be a part of this group, belonging with such a group. It is easiest, perhaps, to be led to believe that your affiliations with a particular social group will bring you everything you're looking for in terms of status and attractivity in the eyes of others. You become so 'seduced' by how you will look with that social group and what it could do for you, that it consumes and may even replace your social identity. In other words, you were once "(insert name here)", but after gaining your affiliation, you are "(insert name here), a member of (insert national social group here)."

What is not so easy, is checking yourself when you're affiliated. I do wonder, if I was pursuing a young lady who was affiliated, if my chances would be easier to build something (relationship/friendship) with her if I were myself affiliated. I wonder if I would ever be able to ask myself if the primary reason (at least in the beginning) for her wanting to bother with me, is because I'm affiliated with a certain social group. Maybe these are just insecure thoughts.

BUT then I'm compelled to ask: what if? What if, literally, my world, my community, is based upon such a standard? What if I'm really 'not qualified enough' if I'm not affiliated? And with that, who's to say that I'm not qualified enough just because I'm not affiliated? Does one's connection to a certain national organization or social group really reflect how well they are able to do the work they do, how good they are at talking to influential people, or even how good they are at getting a laugh out of a gorgeous young lady?

The reality is, there's a possibility that, if I don't indulge in the desire for affiliation, I may want to go after a young lady who just might be affiliated herself. And again, maybe this is just me being self-conscious and insecure. But I'd hate to be in ANY type of relationship where I have to second-guess myself and ask: is she attracted to me, or an image of me? Further, is she, or any other person, that important to where I'd be willing to lose myself in that image, completely become that other persona, just to appeal to what she (those other people) think I am/ought to be? And if I am willing to do that, am I 'prepared to pay' whatever cost might follow?

My Father's Daughter - A Poem

As my shoulder bears the weight of your mother's head,
my arms offering her comfort after a long day as we lay in our bed
As you lay in your mother's womb,
I am dreaming of you

I imagine that in the delivery room
that cold morning in October
You will be born as the byproduct
of a God-checked, God-spent, God-blessed union
between a Virgo and her Capricorn
You will enter the world at birth
with skin the color of the Pink Panther,
but bearing the unconquerable soul of a Black one
On the surface, you will have my hazel eyes,
but your mother's teeth and versatile hair
We will call you Jasmine, the name I fought with your mother for,
with the compromise that your mother's name be the middle name to yours

When you are two, you will walk for the first time
much the same way you will walk for the rest of your life:
rising, gracefully yet unsure, hoping your feet will support you
the first three times you attempt to stand,
you will fall back down onto the carpet with a flop
the fourth time, with your mother's courage,
you will stand tall and take a step, then two, then three, then four
smiling at your first conquest, knowing you will have so many more

When you are five, not too long after your mother and I's first son comes along,
in the dark of night, you will hear us arguing
You will hear many punches thrown, but not a single one will be physical
You will leave your bed just as the final round is about to commence
You will knock softly on our bedroom door
You will say something along the lines of, "Be quiet, my brother's sleeping"
Your mother and I will look at you with the same amazed, incredulous look
Then we will laugh, partly because we know you are right about your brother
Partly because you are commanding authority at such a young age
You will ask us outright, "why are you shouting at each other?"
Your mother and I will look at each other, and I will simply nod
I will pick you up and carry you back to your room and tuck you in,
and then I will tell you, "mommy and daddy sometimes don't agree,
and because we can't agree, we argue, but we don't fight
But from now on, we will whisper when we argue so you and your brother can sleep. How about that?"
I will hear you giggle and smile, then kiss you goodnight
then turn off the bedside lamp and turn on your nightlight
This is the night you will begin to speak out for what you felt was right

When you are thirteen, you will have to get braces
Not so much because it's what everyone else has, but because it's what the dentist said you needed
By then, you and your brother will have been spoiled
You will have gotten used to being treated the way a young lady ought to be treated
You will come home one day in tears, half angry, half sad
Not knowing where else to take it out, you shout at your brother because you are mad
Your mother will try to talk to you, you'll simply look away
I'll ask your mother what's wrong with you, she'll tell me, you wouldn't say
I'll immediately assume the worst, thinking it involves a boy
And a boy is in fact the reason, but not for the reasons I think
You will tell me you were made fun of, you will hold in your tears while you pout
You will tell me this boy you liked at school called you 'an ugly metal mouth'
I will tell you it does not matter, because you are beautiful to me
I will tell you, you are the continuation of generations of a wondrous legacy
You are the child of activists, dreamers, entrepreneurs,
the next in line of confident family women who all got talked about, but all ignored
what others had to say, in order to go on and do things bigger than they'd ever been done before
This is when you will learn you are only as beautiful as you believe yourself to be
This is will I will learn I cannot be there to protect my little girl from everything

When you are seventeen (and ten months, as you like to say), you will graduate high school
at the top of your class, just like your daddy did
You will wear a Kente cloth over your gown and around your tassels,
'symbolic,' you will say, of my people in the past and present struggle
You will walk across that stage when they call your name,
and your mother, your brother, and I will shout and scream as though we are insane
I will see you and be proud of the young woman we have raised
We will stop and take pictures of you afterwards, your face as bright as the shining sun
And then your friends will call you over, and you'll tell us, "Sorry, I have to run"
That's when I'll have to accept that Daddy's Little Girl is no longer one

You will go on to higher education, meet a young man, build a family
You will call and visit on holidays and birthdays
You will write your younger brother on MySpace
You will ask your mother and I to babysit when you go on long trips
We will pray for your safe leave and return
Your mother and I will hope we gave you a good family model for your own
Your mother and I will remind you that you are still our Baby Girl, even though you are off on your own
I will look down upon you smiling, as you and your mother cry at my funeral
I will hear you say "I love you, Daddy," and knowing I cannot come back down from above
I will wish I could reply, and be left wondering if I ever said 'I love you' back, enough

But for now, as my shoulder bears the weight of your mother's head,
my arms offering her comfort after a long day as we lay in our bed,
As you lay in your mother's womb, I am holding her dreaming of you
I am praying, I am wishing, whenever you may step, whenever you may falter,
in doing all I hope to do, you are never ashamed to say, "I am my father's daughter"

How It's Gonna Be

You know you've been writing for a good while when you can revisit something you wrote a while back and find that it still holds some truth or validity, or that you can still relate to what you wrote about, years later. This is a poem I wrote back in 2005... and ironically enough, this is EXACTLY where my mind has been for the last few days, having considered how a certain friend of mine has always made herself available to me and has been very supportive of me these last few years. Not that I'm super-interested in her, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't been wondering... what if...

I’m trying to find the words that will say this/
The best way it can be said/
Because when I try to write them down/
It always seems like they can’t be read/
It seems with matters of the heart,/
It’s always hard to start/
I need to let these feelings out/
But I can’t let them drive us apart

This whole time, you and me have braved it all/
Always pushed the other forward, never let them fall/
I told you so many things that no one knows/
And I know the side of you that you never show/
It was like there was something that was always there/
And at least in the beginning, it didn’t hurt to care/
But then I found my thoughts going elsewhere/
I started seeing more in you, and my mind began to dare/

We’d be studying, and I’d be visually undressing you/
Sitting there watching the game, I’d be mentally caressing you/
We’d be talking on the phone, and I’d cease to understand/
Because I’d be too busy picturing myself as your man/
So now I find myself at a point I didn’t want to reach/
Find myself forced to learn the lesson that life loves to teach/
For I’m forced to make a choice I don’t want to make/
But there’s a consequence down any road that I decide to take/

What do you do when the person that you call your friend/
Grows into someone that you could see yourself spend/
A moment, a night or two, maybe even a life with?/
She becomes someone you’re not content to just spend time with/
So, you see, I find myself in that position with you/
I’ve tried everything, and I still can’t stop thinking of you/
Though we were once friends, I see now that I want you with me/
I hate to admit it, but from now on, that’s how it’s gonna be

So I sat there one day asking myself/
If I should let it all go, put my feelings on the shelf?/
I didn’t want to lose someone I cared about to something like this/
I mean, thoughts would remain thoughts, unless we happened to kiss/
But then I noticed that my logic was all over the place/
We’d be conversing, and I’d be picturing my hand on your face/
You’d come to my room, and I’d be straightening it all up/
Random thoughts would enter my mind when parties got you messed up/

It got to the point where you would mention other dudes/
And you probably noticed, my language went the route of rude/
Or maybe there were instances when we were with your friends/
And I got silent when y’all would talk about the other men/
I began to wonder why you never mentioned me/
Began to wonder if you spoke this way intentionally/
I started taking your embraces like they meant something/
You said my name and my mind just started running/

So I see now that I can no longer call you just a friend/
Because I possess a knowledge that could make our friendship end/
It wasn’t even my actions, but my thoughts that set this all in motion/
For friendship falls when one person within it is seized by emotion/
So maybe perhaps you might not feel the same way/
Maybe you don’t see this became a charade the day my feelings came into play/
You are no longer just a friend, but the woman that I must have with me/
And we must both accept that, from now on, this is how it’s gonna be

Fear of Flying

After much self-denial, I finally admit it: The BrotherMan is afraid to fly.

And by flying, I don't mean I'm afraid to catch a plane from Texas to Arkansas, Albany, New York, or even out to Africa. By flying, I mean that I am afraid and maybe even clinging to something.

I was having a conversation with some graduate students down here the other day, and I was sharing with them my growing desire to remain at the University of Texas at Austin for a complete full year longer rather than for a semester, primarily to pursue a potential third degree. The very attractive graduate Sista who was involved in the conversation told me, What?! No, get out of here! Go! Leave! If you really want to stick around, just go to graduate school! The graduate Brother, however, asked me outright: What's really keeping you on campus? Are you staying because you don't know where you want to go, or are you staying because you're afraid to leave?

I admit, here and now, that perhaps I am afraid to leave campus. It's so ironic because I remember a faculty member on campus once said at a program I attended, You kids are so funny. You sit here talking about the whole time how much you can't wait to leave, but you always end up coming back. And it's true: so many UT graduates end up coming back to campus for one reason or another, whether it's to 'visit,' for a friend's graduation, for probates and commissioning ceremonies, for Texas Relays. I myself have already been contemplating coming back to the University of Texas when it hosts the Big XII Conference on Black Student Government in 2010.

I cannot stay at UT forever, that's obvious. And yes, some of my classes, I despise with a passion and truly believe them to be the Devil's own stepchildren. But I'd be sticking around for the community. I've said forever and a day all this year, that I will be leaving the (Black) community at UT behind after April; I'm throwing in the towel, retiring my jersey, and focusing on getting the hell out of here. That's what I said... The problem is, just as I'm taking the steps, really, to rip the S off of my chest and save myself (since no one else, in my opinion, is going to do it for me), something keeps pulling me back. In my opinion, my Black campus community is in a state of potential crisis; individuals are involved in Greek life or just paying dues and showing up one day out of the week at 7 PM or 6:30 PM to be in meetings just to be there. It got to a point where it came down to organizational elections and some people ended up declining their nominations on the election day. But the community doesn't care anymore: the people are not inclined to work with one another to solve their collective problems. They simply say, "come help me solve my problems"... but never once reach out to help with yours. This problem has been going on forever, but I could change that before I leave this campus...

So I am afraid of flying. I'm afraid to leave this campus environment because I've literally considered myself a 'caretaker' of the Black community. Maybe that's cocky of me, but damn it, I think I've earned the right: I'm more outspoken than I was as a freshman, and I guess I'm what you could call a student leader (in title, anyway). I am afraid to leave this environment where, at least, in my own eyes and in my mind, I have purpose. I am not the best leader on campus, or the man that every woman wants, but in the University of Texas at Austin Black Community, my opinion is valued; while I myself am not of value or even appreciated, perhaps some people need me around.

I am afraid that nothing I ever do in the real world will compare even slightly to what I've attempted to do in and for Black UT. I am afraid that, for all of my ambition, what if I fall short? What if I fail? Logically, how can you leave behind a place that is proven to believe in your ability to change things, for an unfamiliar world that will immediately brand you as just another face in the vast real world work force? I am afraid that I won't matter, because I think I do at UT.

I have strived, throughout my college career, to remain an individual who is humble yet available, someone that people can count on if they need something yet certainly someone fallible. I have strived to "trust (my)self when all men doubt me, but make allowance for their doubting too" (Rudyard Kipling). I cannot say for sure if I believe in Marianne Williamson's quote that I am "frightened by my own inner light"... but I know for sure, for all I have allegedly done at UT, I STILL feel inadequate; I have unfinished business here. I have yet to find that validation which would prove me otherwise. And really, maybe that's why I'm most afraid to fly: I don't want to go off into the world having finally found a reason to believe in myself and my abilities, only to find out that what I was really believing in was an illusion of who I believed myself to be... and that the real me ain't sh*t.

So, I wait... patiently yet longingly... for that seal of approval which will give me my wings.

In The Beginning, Part I: From the Ground Up

*What follows is a short story series I devised, but never quite finished, early in 2006. The story series, "In the Beginning," ultimately outlines the path one must take in order to achieve greatness or true success in life. While the story has Christian overtones, the message within it I hope could be considered universal, regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof... *

When I opened my eyes, I found myself at the foot of a crystal staircase bearing golden banisters. To the left of the stairs was a bronze sign bearing the words “Exercise caution and take two steps backwards before taking a step forward"; and to my right were a set of gold elevators. I started to proceed towards the elevators, but then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I spun around and saw myself facing an old man in a black and red bellhop outfit, his face bearing a good amount of gray stubble. On his right breast pocket was a golden nametag bearing the name “Father."

“Greetings, my son!" he said to me. “How are we today?"

“I’m fine," I told him. “But where am I? And I’m not your son."

“Oh, but I am your father, and you are my son," he said, a wide grin spreading across his face. “You may not yet realize it, but it is because of me that you find yourself here. You have been found wanting more than the others, unsatisfied with where the world has placed you. That crystal staircase over there" – and he gestured to the staircase – “is the path to greatness. It is the path that all those who aspire to do things beyond the notions and mindsets of this world find themselves taking to become better people. Where you find yourself now is on the ground floor."

The man called Father began walking towards the wall on our left, which was covered by a thin red veil, and he motioned for me to follow him. He pulled back the veil, and I was almost startled by what I saw: behind the veil was a window that showed a city filled with dirty streets, lots of neon lights, and buildings that might once have looked beautiful, but were marred either by time or terrible usage. People were scattered all throughout the streets, some wearing little to no clothing at all. Young kids could be seen passing around packets of a white substance and handing out thin objects that looked a lot like the “red tip" needles used and abused by drug addicts.

In some of the alleys and department store windows, people indirectly put themselves on display by either flashing those who randomly walked by or having sex in plain view of the other people. On the roofs of the few police cars visible in the streets lay individuals covered in food, with those bearing police uniforms opulently eating the food off of these individuals. Stretching from one building to another were banners bearing such slogans as “God? What God?!"; “Hedonism is my only religion"; and “Why Pray When You Have the Freedom to Choose?" It was quite a sight to see.

“My son, when you were born, you like all people began on the ground floor, embedded in original sin. Those who exist on the ground floor have found themselves believing in something other than the Creator. Their gods may be anything, from money to sex to public appeal. They are indeed free to do whatever they wish to do, for they have the freedom to choose.

"However, because there is so much freedom, these people have no limits. Without these limits, the people have no morals or beliefs to adhere to, and are prevented from exercising such notions as decency, respect, and considerateness. They fact that they are aware of the power of their choices means that these people possess a large amount of potential to be greater than they are. But either because their lives have been hard on them, or because they felt I did not answer enough of their prayers, they have become victims of their own hunger. They possess a desire and a need to be in a better position than they are in now… but they have instead grown content, believing this is it for them and so they will just settle for what they have.

“My son, you too have the power to choose." He pointed towards an area outside that I had not looked towards previously, towards a man wearing a soiled dress shirt and blue jeans covered in dirt. The man turned to look back at something… and I saw that the man was me.

“You have the opportunity to stay here, on the ground floor, and exist as a person who is free to choose. You will be able to do whatever you wish whenever you wish, without having to worry about who you may hurt, offend, betray, or even kill. There will be no repercussions or accountability for your actions because your freedom will eliminate any notion of accountability or responsibility. Here you will exist as your basest, barest self. And, more importantly, here you will exist without the presence of God in your life.

“On the other hand, if you are willing to seek and be more, if you desire to be a better person, if you find yourself disgusted or offended by what you have seen here and would like to move in the direction of a more ordered life, of a greater life… then proceed up the crystal staircase. I cannot promise you that your journey up the crystal staircase, and on towards greatness will not be long, but I can promise you that the journey will be worth your time.

“No matter what you decide, my son, I will support your decision. Because you are my child, I love you so much that I will accept whatever it is you choose to do, and I will continue loving you until the end of time."

I took a moment to ponder Father’s words. It was interesting to imagine living in a world with no morals and no accountability. While the sight before me seemed very disgusting, the thought itself seemed intriguing: being able to live without having to check my motivations, being able to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without having to answer for it. At the same time, I asked myself if I could truly see myself living without God, especially after having been so dependent on Him for so long.

I looked back through the window, took in all of the visuals. I found myself the slightest bit tempted by some of the naked women running around in the streets, the free TVs and iPods that people kept taking out of broken store display windows, the complete disregard for authority figures to all that was going on around them.

And that’s when I saw it: when I looked upon the figure who was myself in that crowd of the dingy and dirty, I saw him look back and upwards towards me. I saw a wicked grin plastered across his face, but his eyes… I will never forget the look that was in his eyes. His eyes were watery and pleading, as if they had a hunger for more. It was then that I realized that, on this ground floor, we sometimes get caught up in the fact that our bodies might say something is good for us when our hearts and minds know it is unhealthy spiritually and mentally to indulge in such things. It was time to move forward.

I turned around and began walking towards the crystal staircase. I tried to look up the flight of stairs towards the next landing, but the stairs went up into a sort of cloud covering. But that didn’t matter: I knew a better life was waiting for me at the top of those stairs. But before I could begin ascending, I felt a tap on my shoulder again. It was Father, again bearing that wide grin of his.

“My son, before you begin making your way up those stairs and onwards towards greatness… I wanted to let you know that it will be a long journey. Keep in mind that you should take two steps backwards before taking a step forward: for once you leave any of the areas ahead behind, you can never go back to them. But keep in mind also that whenever you have doubt or questions, you can come to me, for I will always be with you, my son."I smiled back at Father and shook his hands with him. Then I took a deep breath, and proceeded onwards up the crystal staircase.