Reconciliation

"I know you got the best love that I ever had
I swear that when I look at you, the time don't pass
Intoxicated without a sip from a glass
Infatuation was real - thought we would last"
- Trey Songz, "Unfortunate"

It's funny. I look back now upon the posts I wrote about you. Not just here, but on facebook. The poems I wrote, two of which admittedly were about you. The story I had written, The Book of Lamentations ... you will never know this, but you inspired it. You inspired one of the characters. The way I'd felt about you after you shut down what we had, is VERY reflective of the feelings the main character felt when his proposal was rejected. And I'd written the story because after you, I doubted myself like I never had before. I felt I needed to write The Book of Lamentations if only to remind myself or reassure myself that I still had "it" - the ability to write and tell a good story. Because the reality was for a few months, I avoided writing because I NEVER, ever wanted anything I'd ever written to give you the impression that I was talking about you.

I look back upon the posts I wrote about you, the poems I wrote, the ones that didn't make it into the public eye... and I don't think it's a stretch at all to say you're the first woman I fell in love with. There were certainly people I'd had deep levels of infatuation for prior to you... but no one else was this hard to get over. No one else was this hard to pretend I didn't have have feelings for them, just because I wanted us to remain friends. No one else has made me feel so tortured because of what I didn't have.

I wish that my effort usurped or at least mattered to you more than what I lack. Think about it - I have no car and no job. Yet... I found a way to do the things for you that mattered. I showed up to your graduation. I showed up to your first open mic. When I said I would treat you out for getting a new job, I did that AND managed to find my way out to where we were eating even though you were beyond rude to me about something I had volunteered to do for you. I suppose that's much of my own fault... because nobody told me to do any of that and by all means I shouldn't have expected your appreciation or consideration in return. I did it because I cared. Because in spite of my own lack, you do deserve the world. And I can't give you that. And apparently, this is why we'll never be.

So... when I showed up this past Wednesday, showed up to your first open mic, I came in there knowing that when that night was over, I would have given up on you. I don't know. I guess I expected a "thanks for coming." I guess I expected more than a hug. I don't know WHAT I expected. All I know is, I saw you read - very well; noticeably nervous, but I loved the passion and energy you displayed throughout the piece - I saw you hang with the friends you'd come out with, and I appreciated that I at least got to meet your goddaughter's mother. I left the open mic early... primarily because I couldn't stand it, being there powerless in that situation... and arranged for them to give you flowers after I had left. I guess you appreciated them. And from your open mic, I went to the strip club! lol because I wanted to feel appreciated.

I used to hope that we'd possibly get back together. That you would allow me a chance to get it right this second time and PROVE to you that I was capable of being the man you desired. But you are spoiled. You are impatient. You know as well as I do that you deserve the world and, consequently, you feel entitled to it on your terms. In the back of my mind, I still want that chance. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. BUT I'm not going to pursue it. Perhaps we can still be friends (hell, that's what we've BEEN being, right?? You've certainly enjoyed that more than I have smh). But I just don't have the effort or fucks to give to want to try to be your man again. Not right now. I hate that you make me feel so inadequate. I do too much which you may see as too little... and that's fine. You're a grown independent woman who ideally wants a grown independent man who can provide her with some degree of security. I can't give you that WHEN you want it.

You'll be moving soon, probably to the East Coast. Up there, perhaps in New York, you'll meet a man who is perhaps more attractive than I am, a man with a well-paying job and a car and a number of fancy things. He will only have so much ambition, since ambition is what you love so much. And he will probably not do as right by you as I would. He will enjoy sleeping with you. He will enjoy making you laugh. He will listen to your poetry when you call him up to read it to him but at the same time, not listen at all. Or, maybe he'll be a poet himself and not care to listen to your work, but constantly hit you up to share his with you. He will possibly do wrong by you. He won't remember that your favorite color is purple (and, now, turquoise). He won't bring you flowers (though he may arrange to send them to you at your job in an act of apology, something I'd contemplated - not for apology reasons but "just because" - but talked myself out many times). And he may not go to Bible Study with you. None of that will matter, because at 25, you will be too thankful to have found a man who has what you want materially and appears to want you at a time when you're thinking you'll never get married. He will reap the rewards of getting the best of you, when all he has to do is give you mediocre effort. The news will drop on facebook. You'll tweet about your "bf." I will be salty and think that should have been me in his place; I may retract myself a bit in Trey Songz and The-Dream lol. Ideally, I'll get over it.

I wrote this down today because I needed to. Because I'm tired of feeling like there's no reciprocity at all. Because I needed to write it somewhere just to get out of my head and get this burden off my mind - on some "Blogger is my pensieve" type shit, maybe. I wish you the best. I promise it. You do deserve what you want, and I would love to see you happy, even if that's not with me. I may not agree with it, but I must accept that. I wrote this down so I could pray about it afterwards. I wrote this down today so I could reconcile my thoughts with my feelings and make it known, so that I ALWAYS come back to this whenever I think about you, that it just wasn't worth it. You are... but the process itself after the first three weeks of July weren't.

But gotdamn... in the words of Trey Songz, "That's unfortunate... that you didn't believe in me."

You Only Love Me Because of What I Can Do for You...

"They ask me, am I okay? They ask me if I'm happy/
Are they asking me that because of the shit that's been thrown at me?/
or am I just a little snappy, and they genuinely care?..."
- Eminem, "Difficult"

It's 2011. I have to admit, I'm very thankful to have made it to yet another year. 2010, as I've said many times before, was a year of gifts and curses, but still my best year to date. I got to participate in commencement ceremonies for graduation, hustled so hard to get back in school; and having been deterred and set back yet again, I hustled some more and didn't quit. Got enrolled back in Houston to finish what I started.

In 2010, I got my heart broken. Again. lol I met mainly two young ladies who meant something to me. One I'd known somewhat, I became attracted to when she admitted her attraction to me; and while I did start liking her, in the back of my head, I guess I never thought it would work out because she seemed to be attracted to a certain type of person, one that I knew I couldn't be. So it hurt me but didn't shock me entirely when she broke away from me in favor of one of my best friends. The second, is the more interesting case. We met by accident... well, rephrase: we met randomly and started vibing almost immediately. I got further with her than I had with any young lady for some time. However, as has become customary with me, I messed that up, too. I gave her a lot of my effort and time, but due to a combination of my lack of communication (because I didn't want her to know about my school situation) and her own desire for someone with more means, we fell apart.

I can say in 2011, that I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy with where I am in my life because I expected to be further along. I'm unhappy because no matter what I do, it seems like it's never enough to satisfy the people around me. I'm unhappy because, to borrow the phrasing from one of my old poems, it's 2011 and I'm still "never the greatest match, but rather, the greatest friend." For a long time, I based my happiness upon relationships. Not just romantic ones, but also my friendships. The people I considered myself close to Austin, my Austin circle... for a very long time, I struggled because I always wanted their approval, always wanted to know I was "cool enough" to hang with them. These days, I feel like I'm not. I feel like I'm just tolerated. Useful for a laugh, or a bought drink, or the occasional opinion. They don't come to me anymore.

I could use a shot of confidence. I know that, in 2011, I'll finally get published. I'll be back on my feet school-wise and hopefully on track for full completion of undergrad in 2012 (assuming the world hasn't ended lol). I'm just really trying to find... happiness. I think the last time I was truly happy was during commencement. But I didn't feel satisfied. I guess I won't feel satisfied any time soon, since my dreams and my desires are quite lofty. But perhaps... satiated? Yeah, that may be a better word. It's funny to have multiple facebook friends and twitter followers and feel so alone. I hope this year, my desire for someone who complements me is satiated. And while I've accepted that this may be the case - though I'm not happy with it - I hope the people in my life this year love me for ME... not because of what I can do for them.

DETOX

"I'm sure it took a lot to come in here today. I assure you, though, by the time we're through with you, you won't remember a thing. You won't even miss her..."

"And you said this is..."

"A process quite different from rehabilitation. In rehabilitation, you are prepared to move past a particular process so that you can cope and deal with the world you left behind. In our process, you completely FORGET the world you left behind. There's no going back. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I... I'm sure."

Day one, arrive to the front office and
I sign in with a fake name
I've got too much to hide if someone finds me here
Resorting to this makes me feel so ashamed
But nothing else has worked thus far
Constantly wondering where you are
Paranoid because I know someone else
has picked up where I left off with you

And I ask myself
How did we drift apart?
Going back in my mind, trying to find its start
the start of the end of me and you
the beginning of the pain that I'm going through
Checking out of this Heartbreak Hotel and checking in-to

DETOX
It's like you're a drug, and technically there was no "we," but you took over me
and you started occupying every little thing
I remember every moment, every kiss, every hug
I ask myself did I not do enough
So tired of the guilt-trip and the heart ache
Wondering if you always intended to make my heart break
Can't stop thinking of the sound I heard your heart make
When I was with you, but now I'm not, so I gotta get through
Some way...

A week's passed since the first day, I'm not used to
feeling so far removed or so out of touch from you
I thought we had a connection, but maybe it was out of sync
Mad at myself for wanting to go back over every little thing
They strap me in, tie me down to a chair
I hold my breath, as they restrain me there
They hook me up to a machine that replays ev-ery me-mo-ry
More emotional than I'd like to admit, I'm screaming, "I hope you remember me"

And I would never
wish this feeling on anyone
Going back in my mind, trying to find where it all begun
Begun to unravel, and your feelings started to drift
That's if I'm to assume they ever did exist
Checking in, but no one's checking on me; it's like I'm not even missed, while I'm in

DETOX
I know now I cared too much
Sought out too much feeling and safety in your touch
Thought you could complement the best of me
Instead it feels like you're building the death of me
In spirit, I mean; of course, life will keep moving
But in terms of me and you, I never saw myself losing
I'm spinning out of control, and meanwhile, you're just cruising
Said I'm okay being friends, meantime, I keep thinking I blew it

Two months, eight weeks, two days, three hours
since you exposed me for a coward
Men ain't supposed to show emotion so I'm writing it out
Hoping the words don't make it sound like I'm crying aloud
The program concludes; they say you should be out of my system
Many methods applied, they tried everything but certain memories, they missed 'em
Your smile still stands out bright, your strong faith's a shining light
I remember once or twice we prayed together
Holding you in my arms as we laid together
I guess I should've asked God to help us stay together

DETOX
Forgetting how your lips tasted so sweet
Erasing all that you meant to me
It's not what I want, but something I have to do
If I'm ever to effectively get over you
Another number deleted out of my phone
Cutting down what I thought we'd together helped grow
I'd be lying if I said you weren't still on my mind
and maybe in time, I'll get a chance to make you mine again
Or not...

People never really miss what they have, until it becomes what they had.

On to the Next One...

"I say I don't have nothin', if I don't got you/ Like Sade, we got The Sweetest Taboo/ And my game is skin deep, like ya' first tattoo/ I gets all in ya' head, like shampoo/ I just wanna fuck wit' you like rude polices/ I don't want a broken heart, because I'll lose the pieces..."

- Lil' Wayne, on Little Brother's "Breakin' My Heart"

So I figured I'd vent a bit, especially seeing as how my last post was MONTHS ago... and I know I owe you all an update, but we'll get around to that. For now, I just need to clear my head.

I think last month, I FINALLY met the person I had been waiting for: someone who accepted me, who challenged me, who was willing to give me a shot with her. And then, in accordance with tradition, I blew it. I think she fell for me and then, unwittingly - in fact, reluctantly at first, but because it felt so good to have that connection - I started falling with her... I picked up speed, we both did... and then, next thing I knew, I was falling faster than her. And that's never a good thing. Just as quickly as it started, it ended. She ended us, for what I'd like to believe began with one weekend gone wrong - read: not as intimately well as she expected it to be - and ended with me not reaching out her as much as she'd wanted me to for her Birthday. There was a lot of miscommunication, lack of communication especially on my part. At the end, I honestly believe she was the right person at the wrong time.

I'm back in Houston now. I'm on my last leg really of undergrad, and she's on her last leg of graduate school. She has a car, two jobs... to borrow her words, she needed someone "who could keep up with her grind." In my eyes as well as hers... I could not. That didn't stop me from trying. She was worth the effort in every sense. But when it got to a point where I was trying to upgrade my phone, trying to adjust the timeframe in which I intended to handle certain business just to be able to "report back" to her the progress... I admittedly started to question. She said she didn't want "a baller who had it all, but a grinder who could work to get it all."

Right now, we're just friends. A good thing if I were honest with myself, because it gives me an opportunity to work on handling things moreso on my terms. Do I still want her? Absolutely. She challenged me. She made me feel important. She reminded me to remain as focused on God in possible. And she was/is beautiful, has a traffic-stopping, if-it-catches-you-you-ain't-goin'-NOWHERE smile... my hope is that eventually when I'm at a better place, when I've, caught up to her I guess you could say, we'll have another shot at us. But I know historically, I often fall for certain chicks harder than they do me. So it's a hope, but not a "hanging on everything" hope. I just wish I hadn't broken it. Historically, as my readers know, though, "breaking it" is pretty much what I do.

I'm not asking you to "Freeze" in the Lyfe Jennings and LL Cool J sense, but... maybe I'm hoping you'll see what you saw in me in the beginning, somewhere later when I'm better. Yeah.

"... She say she love me, won't leave me, won't ever let me go/ But if you're thinkin' of leavin', then you should let me know/ We better together than further apart/ So darlin', don't go breakin' my heart..."

- chorus, Little Brother's "Breakin' My Heart"

Regret... Well, Not Really

I told myself that this year, 2010, would be the year of No Regrets for me. To a degree, that still holds true.

I'll come back and elaborate on this at a later time, when my thoughts are more coherent and I'm not fighting sleep. But I just wanted to clear my head. I wanted to say... that I wish I had tried harder. I thought that I had put forth a good effort. Not my most concerted one, by far, but the one that I thought would work for YOU. The situation I found myself in with you was different than any previous one I had been in before. I was cautiously optimistic about you - I was careful in every action I took and everything I said so that I didn't a) jinx anything; and b) scare you away. I wish I had known better what you wanted and how I could be that. If I was even capable of being that. We may never know.

I was content with you being my little secret. I discussed you with a VERY select few people, mostly people I didn't think you knew. But as with all secrets... eventually, someone else stumbled upon you. Someone else who was better able to serve the purpose you wanted and fulfill the needs you had. At times, I feel silly that I ever thought I could. I doubted, very much, that you saw something in me, perhaps because, between past experiences and what was going on with me personally, I never saw much of anything in myself. So I was careful. Careful so I didn't get hurt. Careful so I never disappointed you, at least not intentionally.

Maybe I unconsciously sabotaged things. I'll never know. There are too many "maybes" in my head, too many questions I'm compelled to ask but am afraid to hear the answer to. So the breakaway was easy because, perhaps, I had always been looking for a reason TO breakaway. Not because I wanted to, but because in the back of my mind, I always thought I didn't measure up. And you presented me with that reason. But because you're already thinking I've said things about you, and because that led to a fallout I never wanted to happen and which, itself, made me question further, I'll let the maybes linger. You may have thought I took it well because I've taught myself to shut my emotions away. So, no, I didn't take it well at all; I was just particularly good at faking it and making myself numb. And I'll say simply, I wish I had tried harder.

The funny thing about wishes, is that they rarely come true when it applies to things that have already happened. But still... I wish I had tried harder.

"Just a lil' bit... every now and then... d-d-do you think about me? Got damn, girl, we used to be friends..."

- "Do You Think About Me," 50 Cent

It's easier to lie

It's easier for me to lie.

It's hard for me to invest my time and patience in getting to know you and your goals and aspirations and the many manifestations that make up your dreams. It's hard for me to try to be that person to you that I think you deserve and time and again, question myself. It's hard for me to think that I literally am not good enough for you, hard to buy into the assumption that you just really might be into me. It's hard for me to believe that it's mutual because one day you text me saying "good morning" and "good night," and a week later, I hear nothing from you. It's hard trying to read whether you feel me or whether something's changed between the two of us because I missed a call, or didn't return a text, or didn't stick around long enough to see you "really start playing." It's hard staring at the phone for five minutes asking myself if I should text you first, or text you good luck wishes on the day of your exam, because I don't want to push you away in doing too much.

It's hard for me to show up and give so much of my energy and advice and feel like it's falling on deaf hearts and ears. It's hard to aspire to greatness and constantly remind myself that I haven't put myself in a position to be great. It's hard to believe in myself when I don't get that affirmation I've been seeking from the people around me, that cosign I would want to keep me pushing. It's hard to believe in myself when I'm powerless to help my family in their tough times.

It's easier to lie.

It's easier for me to add you to the list of "could have beens" and move on to the next girl, easier for me to forget how different you are and simply dismiss you as
one of the same. It's easier for me to say that I'm just too nerdy, just too much of a gentleman, just aren't "hard" enough to appeal to you. It's easier to say that that one text I forgot to return, that one time I left early, that one time I questioned your motives, was the "final straw" and ever since then you've really just been dragging me along, no longer wanting me around. It's easier for me to respond to your questions and texts like I don't care, because it's easier to pretend not to care than it is to REALLY care. It's easier being an asshole and not having to think twice about it. It's easier joining in with my more jaded male friends and being a part of their rants to "mess with White/Latin chicks now."

It's easier for me to lie and act like I don't care, to not encourage other people to be involved in the UT community, especially the UT Black community. It's easier for me to not want to give advice or reassure people in their tough times, because that's one less load my heart or mind has to bear. It's easier for me to say "I'll just get by, I'll do just as much as I need to" because I've already put myself in a whole academically. It's easier to see my dreams as just dreams; that way, I won't be so heartbroken when they don't come to manifest in reality. It's easier to say I don't deserve the affirmation, that I've never gotten it because I just wasn't smart/handsome/popular enough. It's easier to say that what happens at home isn't my concern, that I should leave my family on their own in the same way I sometimes felt abandoned by them.

It's easier for me to lie. But the truth is I'm a terrible liar. Well, it's either that, or I just like torturing myself in the name of being a "good guy." lol

Sacrifice

"Sacrifice/ Don't give up the fight/ Everything will be alright/ On Any Given Sunday/ Depends on you/ Whether you win or lose/ Know you gotta pay some dues/ So that you can get to Monday..."

- Jamie Foxx, from the song Any Given Sunday

Stardate: February 19, 2010. 4 AM. Up later than intended from a nap that started at 11 PM, so that I could focus and into a paper I have due later today at 5 PM. However, as usual, I had a lot of my mind.

This semester has been a lot about sacrifice. That's the name of the game of my "return" to Austin right now - sacrificing and keeping sight of what is most important. I've tried to consistently attend class since first arriving to Austin just four weeks ago (it's crazy how fast the time has gone by so quickly); I've tried to keep up with my readings and assignments in a timely fashion. It has not been easy. I know now that I should never again take anything like "a break" when it comes to this school stuff lol. Because I hit the ground running.

On the flip side, my "involvement" has been little to none. To a degree, I can appreciate this. Being uninvolved and untied to any organizations allows me a freedom to "choose" where I spend my evenings. I'm still going to organizational meetings, but it's not "every meeting, every week" like it was back in 2008. Now, it's like, I'll attend SAAB once a month, attend BSA once a month, and so on. Consequently, I find myself with a little bit more time than I had before. Time to study, but also time to really just spend doing things I hadn't done before or attend events I'd have wanted to attend and be apart of that before I wouldn't have been able to. There is freedom in being able to go out barhopping with friends on the weekends... or being able/willing to say, "No, I can't because I have a paper/assignment due tomorrow."

I would discover that this "sacrifice" of mine was always easy when I kept myself an arms' length away from the UT Black Community, the general UT Community, really. This year, UT will host The Big XII Conference on Black Student Government for this first time in the Conference's history. The Black campus leaders have all been working ridiculously hard on this effort to make sure that the Conference here is amongst the best and brightest ever. I attended one of the final plenary meetings for this Conference (which kicks off next week, by the way) on Monday. I was impressed with the amount of people who had shown up, impressed with the number of hands it seemed that had latched onto this endeavor. It made me miss being a part of that.

In a past life, I was a campus leader. People came to me for advice and ideas. When something like this was about to pop off on campus, I'd be notified and encouraged to be a part of it. In a past life, I would have been playing some kind of role in the Black community's involvement with The 32nd Annual Big XII Conference on Black Student Government. At that meeting, I saw a shadow of my former self: the leader, the motivator, the person who was so influential and so important, the person who was relevant. I hate feeling like, in undergrad anyway, I'll never be relevant again in the community. I felt/FEEL like a has-been. I don't know that this feeling will be resolved or amended within the rest of the time that I am at the University.

Sacrifice is "taking the L." Understanding that something must be let go in order for a real impact or real change to be made. It seems like Black leader Bradford J. Howard is a leader no longer. Like I have to sacrifice that image, that idea of being so important to people on campus. Like I have to sacrifice that feeling I got of pride and relevance, of importance.

Sacrifice is going to be necessary for me to make it to the end of the semester, indeed, to my eventual graduation in May or August. It won't kill me, and it might make me stronger at a later point, but right now, it's certainly going to tear my heart apart and hurt like hell in the process. I hope that my sacrifice is not in vain. On the flip side, I hope that my sacrifice doesn't make me less important or less relevant.